TITLE: Golden Dawn
GENRE: Paranormal
Stefan, a newly-made vampire, targets a foreign carriage carrying the young lord Stefan’s beloved has been promised to and guarded by six men on horseback. With the horses having sensed Stefan, one of them throws its rider and tramples the man as it flees.
Stefan shuddered as the whiff of flowing blood hit his senses like a blacksmith’s hammer. He breathed deep, relishing that tangy aroma and the sweet metallic tinge running through it. Each breath honed his focus, heightening the deadly ability already gifted to him.
Below, the men were regaining control of the horses. The beasts pushed forward, eyes wide and steps hesitant.
He leapt onto the carriage roof. His dagger flew at the closest guard, downing the man before he could react. Sword unsheathed, he dodged the attacks of two others. A swipe in their direction and his blade bit into flesh.
The smell of blood and fear was hot in the air. Hunger writhed through his veins. It played with his vision, turning the world into swirls of rainbow-like figures. To one side, the orange and white form of a horse pranced sideways. Its rider – here, the display of colours was fading – had slumped in the saddle.
Movement on his right forced Ștefan to the back of the carriage roof, the swish of a blade slamming into the wood behind him. Spinning, he leapt for the iridescent glow. An arm wrapped around the man’s head, he twisted. The head came free with a crunch. Sticky warmth bathed his hand.
“Die, you murderous dog!”
Stiffening, he glanced down at the tip of a blade sticking out of his chest. It grated against his ribs with each breath. He became dimly aware of the coolness pressing against his flesh, but no more.
I really enjoyed this. I thought it had nice flow and movement, and was generally quite clear. I'm going to assume what happens to Stefan's vision when he is aroused like this is explained earlier, otherwise you might confuse readers.
ReplyDeleteOne or two things: I think you could lose the first line. For me, the 'hitting senses like a blacksmith's hammer' is an instantaneous sort of thing, but breathing deep and relishing is slow. He savors.
Next, I don't think you need to specify where on the roof he stands. He jumps back, sidesteps, whatever, away from a swishing blade. Finally, I know it's good to vary sentences, but I don't think 'An arm wrapped around the man's head, he twisted' works quite as well as something more direct.
Nicely done, I liked this quite a bit.
I had the very same comments that Jeff did!
ReplyDeleteI do like the writing and pacing very much.
However, action scenes often fall prey to over-staging of movement -- which can then confuse.
I want to focus on Stefan's bloodlust and not where he's at on the stagecoach.
"Die, you murderous dog" might need to be inserted after he wraps his arms around the head but BEFORE he twists?
Also, I wonder why the head came free with a crunch. The word choice popped me -- I guess because I don't know what it would sound like to snap off someone's head!
I'd read more of this novel!
I thought this worked very well. The combination of physical movements (which are quite complicated in this scene) with his internal arousal at the blood is not an easy feat to pull off without sacrificing one for the other. He, neither suffers and together they create a whole greater than would be achieved with a singular focus on just one or the other. I thought the extra sense of the rainbow swirling was very effective. The only jarring thing was the line "Die, you murderous dog!" To me, that sounded very unnatural and forced. But, for everything else, a definite success.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why the violence erupted, why did he start attacking the guards? This wasn't clear to me. Also didn't get how the guy's head came off after having his neck twisted. Why does he call the guy a murderous dog? I thought they were guards protected Stefan's beloved.
ReplyDeleteI think you've made a good effort to convey the effect of his bloodlust on his perceptions. My nitpicks are generally related to the grammar faux pas that are easy to make in the heat of trying to write tight, punchy action.
ReplyDeleteFor example, "Sword unsheathed, he dodged the attacks of two others" is awkward. A better wording would be to separate the two actions: "He ripped his sword from its sheath and dodged the attacks of two others."
And, "the swish of a blade slamming into the wood behind him" -- it isn't the swish that is slamming; the blade is being slammed. What you mean to say is "a blade swished and slammed into the wood behind him."
I disagree with the above comments. I think your version is much much better re the sword being unsheathed. I thought this was great. The action was relentless and very skillfully described. I got what he was doing, how he was doing it and what the obstacles were. I loved how his vision changed. First rate in my opinion. Also, this is a 250 word excerpt in a NOVEL - the reasons, motivations , the whys wnd the wherefores may have come long before or may come long after this snippet. So, people, please a little perspective. This is not a 250 world short story contest.
ReplyDeleteReally was placed in the middle of a scene. My imagination fills in what I think came before - this is like unrequited love, or forbidden love etc? I had images throughout of how he was fighting with the guards and I really liked it. I thought it was very well done. I also did not like the die you murderous dog line because it sounded hackneyed. But maybe that's the language they speak in for your world.
ReplyDeleteMy nitpick is the description of blood as having a metallic tinge. I think it is a cliche description - I have seen it so often it makes me roll my eyes. Can you come up with something more original?
ReplyDeleteAnother nitpick - this scene sounds exactly like a scene in Sleepy Hollow, like exactly.
Something else to think about re originality.
First off, a vampire named Stefan immediately makes me think of Vampire Diaries.
ReplyDeleteI think the end of the first paragraph would be stronger ending the sentence on "focus". The rest is implied knowing he's a vampire and that his focus is being honed.
I like how he sees the colors when his hunger takes over. However, the sentence about the rider is disjointed. Seems more like an author's note than from his POV. Maybe: Its rider, colours fading, had slumped in the saddle. So we still get the tie of life to colour.
My only other suggestion is to cut back on the disassociated items and body parts. You have:
His dagger flew...
A swipe in their direction...
An arm wrapped...
Make it more clear up front *who* is doing the action. I think it's fine sporadically, for sentence variation, but just watch that it doesn't become overused.
Overall, this is pretty good. Strong action and use of the senses. Great ending.
@Charlotte: Most descriptions about the taste of blood are clichéd (sucking on rusty spoon or a coin). But, cliché or not, it -has- a vague metallic smell and taste.
ReplyDeleteI'll have to take your word on it being like the scene from Sleepy Hollow. I know of the film in the vaguest sense but I've never seen it.
@Feywriter: Technically, I call him a strigoi. I used vampire on here so everyone understood what he is.
Ștefan is an old name and common in the country the story's based in, so I'm not surprised. And well, I'd picked it way before I heard about Twilight let alone the Vampire Diaries. ^_^
Everyone on the "Die, you murderous dog!"
It's the 1500s.
It's spoken by the guy who runs Ștefan through.
Would it sound better if I took 'murderous' out?
On the rest, I'd like to thank you. I'll be having a right proper pick over everyone's opinions next week when RL slows down some.
Although it's certainly up to you about the name and Vampire Diaries association, from a pitching/marketing standpoint, it may be worth considering if you want to pursue publication. Vampires may be a hard sell these days and Stefan is a pretty popular vampire currently. Even if it's true you had the name independent of the book/TV show.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, I liked the knife fight action and how blood lust played with his senses. The pacing is good overall. Best of luck to you!