TITLE: Almost Bethlehem
GENRE: Modern Romance
Eli’s been protecting Skylar, recently escaped human trafficking victim. But the determined villain found and recaptured her. High-speed pursuit and explosive crash has just occurred.
The night air reeked of silence.
Eli’s right leg was pinned, but he hadn’t been bench-pressing every morning for nothing. He shoved and lifted and tugged until his motorcycle shifted and he crawled out from underneath it. “Sky-“ He wanted to shout, but he couldn’t catch a breath and his voice sounded in a husky whisper. He just hoped she still had breath in her lungs after that.
As if answering his fear, Skylar’s troubled, defensive cries rattled the air.
Eli ran, without thought to the fire creeping up his leg, toward the car.
The driver shimmied out his crushed window and staggered to his feet. Bracing against the car, he circled around to the passenger side. He squatted down, reached in and tugged, hauling Skylar out of the car.
“No-“ Eli huffed as he crossed the ditch, his leg giving out. Planting his hands in prickly brush, he pushed himself back up, determined to get to her.
The driver propped Skylar up against the upside down car and drew his arm around from behind his back. The blade in his hand was big enough that even the moonlight glinted off its silver edge.
Skylar screamed and covered her face with her hands.
Terror struck deep inside Eli, as if that knife had plunged into his gut. But he willed his legs forward, only a few yards away.
But the driver didn’t hesitate. He grabbed Skylar’s bicep, wrenched her forward, and slashed the back meaty part of her arm.
I don't know about the first sentence. I like the sound of it, but it confuses two different senses. I do like the moment of quiet, breath-holding, after a hot action scene.
ReplyDeleteWay to get me in the scene with that first big paragraph! Only the last line threw me. Worrying about the breath in her lungs seems a bit particular for the moment.
I was confused by where Skylar was at first, but I suppose I'd know if I had read from the beginning.
You might rework the line: As if answering his fear...I don't know what that means exactly. He did call out to her. Is she answering him or not? I also don't quite get what the trouble defensive cries are. Can you be more explicit? Is she screaming? Saying something? I'd like more indication of exactly how much trouble she's in.
Where did the fire come from? His motorcycle wasn't on fire before (or maybe it was, before this excerpt)
Suggest changing "without thought" as since this is from Eli's POV, he is thinking about it. Maybe "ignoring"
Why does the driver of the car squat? (If he did, Eli wouldn't be able to see him) Does he open the car door or haul Skylar out the window?
Is Skylar passed out? Cowering in fear? Struggling?
Are you using "huffed" as a synonym for "said"?
I'm supposing you've described the ditch somewhere above - if not it needs an intro.
Ah! just got it the car was upside down. I suppose I'd know that.
Skylar getting propped threw me. It makes her sound like a lifeless doll.
I don't think you need "even" the moonlight. It suggest the moonlight won't glint off much.
Oh my. You got yourself a bad guy there. In that last sentence, you could clarify whether he's wrenching all of Skylar forward, or just her arm. A bit more description here would be good as this is such a suspenseful, dramatic moment.
Eli sounds like my kind of guy :)
I certainly get a sense of urgency however a couple of sentences hung me up.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestions.
'He wanted to shout... his voice a husky whisper.
I don't understand the fire creeping up his leg toward the car. Not quite getting a visual on what you might mean.
Eli's desperation is painfully obvious in a good way. Really loved that.
This scene was nicely paced with a great deal of tension. My only nits were that it became a bit confusing in parts--it took me a second reading to understand that there was a third party (the evil driver)involved in the accident. There were also a few slightly awkward sentences--the one about the fire creeping up Eli's leg comes to mind. I'd also add that Eli's reaction was somewhat unrealistic--if you're on fire, you're in pain, and that's got to be expressed somehow even if Skyler's his main priority.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, the writing is good and kept my interest. Nice job!
I don't think the "reeked of silence" line works. It's like in Sesame Street - one of these things just doesn't belong. The scene was easy to picture and I think would be made stronger if you lost some of the minutiae of your description - the driver shimmied out his crushed window; Skylar's troubled, defensive cries rattled the air. If you tried rewriting it with just the bare bones of it, you would be able to determine if it has more urgency to it in that form. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteWell, this scene definitely drew me forward. However, I also didn't realize at first that there was a third person in the scene. Primarily, I thought 'he circled around to the passenger side' referred to Eli. Perhaps you could use 'the man' here instead of 'he' just to keep things nice and clear.
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut this "and his voice sounded in a husky whisper," and "troubled, defensive."
ReplyDeleteI think you could concentrate more on concrete actions to tell your story, and you can cut sooo much of the passive voice with the "was" and "had been" words used. Also, cut a lot of the -ing words, to make it go smoother.
The good: The last sentence made me cringe and I wanted to cry out! Awesome, AWESOME use of tension and fast-moving, action-driven writing. Try bringing that into the other writing, so everything reads as amazingly as that last sentence did.
Your description drew me in, because human trafficking, I think, is a heart-wrenching, personal subject that many people would love to read. Great premise, and I really liked it! Make it read a lot more action-packed, and clarify and cut a loott of the blow-by-blow action (stick to the main, powerful verbs). Good luck!
The opening line doesn't work for me. "Reeked" is associated with the sense of smell, not hearing, and the aftermath of an explosive car wreck would be anything but silent. That is, unless the hero is having trouble with his hearing following the accident, but this wasn't conveyed.
ReplyDelete"Skylar’s troubled, defensive cries " I think there's too many adjectives here. Something simplier would convey this better: Skylar's cries rattled the air. She's been in an car accident, she's with the bad guy. We can imagine how she would sound, especially with words like "cries" and "rattled". They serve enough description; leave the adjectives out.
Be cautious of repeating sentence structures: "But he willed his legs forward, only a few yards away.
But the driver didn’t hesitate." You have two sentences in a row that begin with "but."
Good hook on the last line.
Definitely an intense scene! Good flow here. I wasn't confused at all.
ReplyDeleteWould Eli be able to run after his leg had been pinned? Planting his hands in prickly bush sounds deliberate the way it's worded.
My other concern is Eli's POV. I'm wondering what angle he's viewing/approaching the upside down car, to be able to see the driver shimmy out, and crouch and pull Skylar out, as well as Skylar covering her face, but NOT see the dagger behind the driver's back until he brings it forward.
Good job with this one. You conjured a real sense of danger and concern for the characters.