Wednesday, August 8, 2012

August First Line Grabber #12

TITLE: To Vivify Evil
GENRE: Dark Fantasy

The wooden trap door creaked beneath the weight of the chains as they bound her.

69 comments:

  1. Yes. Love the title, and the imagery of the first sentence is good. I want to learn more.

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  2. No. I don't like the title -- it feels academic. And I don't like immediately having to figure out if the chains are binding her or if "they" are people binding her in chains. Also the chains are making the door creak, not her weight? Too many things going on. "The wooden trap door creaked beneath her weight" would be much more intriguing.

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  3. Psst... author, just wanted to let you know that the way the sentence is worded, it sounds like the trap door has bound her. Still, I'm intrigued.

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  4. No, but it's only because the sentence is off grammatically and I felt like I stumbled over it.

    The idea is okay, and if the sentence was cleaned up, I'd keep reading.

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  5. No. The description feels unoriginal.

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  6. Yes. It gives off a mysterious vibe, and makes the reader want more.

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  7. Yes. Although it's a little hard to picture.

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  8. No. The sentence is a bit clunky the way it is worded. Clear it up a little and it would totally be a yes.

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  9. No. I'm intrigued by the image you create, but I agree with Kelly that the sentence is too clunky.

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  10. No. Poorly structured and I'm left thinking whoever is doing the binding isn't very smart due to their choice of where they put her.

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  11. No. I like the idea, but if it was worded better it could turn to a yes.

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  12. Yes.

    I agree it could use a little work, but it's interesting enough to keep me reading.

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  13. No. Edit the sentence, make it shorter; maybe then it will grab me.

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  14. No -- too many details to picture, not enough at stake to grab me emotionally.

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  15. No. It's rather ho-hum because there's no action, no emotion, no voice. I need to care about "her" and why she's bound to chains. Maybe reword it with the same concept?

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  16. YES, because I want to know why she's chained up. I would suggest getting rid of the "wooden" though and adding that part a bit later. Too many adjectives to describe one thing is a little off-putting. It almost made me say no.

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  17. No, I don't know anything about "her" or "they". Also not a fan of the title. Doesn't trip off the tongue.

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  18. no. i love the premise, but it's too wordy to wrap myself around quickly. maybe reword it b/c a bound victim and a trap door is juicy!!

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  19. No. I don't who "they" or "her" is, so I'm not sure which character to root for. Am I happy they bound her because she's evil? Or am I unhappy because she's good and they are evil?

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  20. No. Other than being clunky, I honestly find it a little disturbing.

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  21. No, too confusing. How are they chaining her without stepping on the trap door? Is she on this door or are only the chains on the door? This pulls me out too much.

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  22. Yes. I want to know more! Why she is chained!

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  23. No. Almost a yes, but I had trouble visualizing what the trap door's relation was to the female being bound.

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  24. No. Clean this up and it could easily be a yes, but right now some things-- such as the ambiguous 'they', which could be the chains or people-- need to be cleaned up.

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  25. No. I like the idea but it's messy. "As they" was off for me.

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  26. Yes. Intrigued by the chains and why MC is trapped. The wording feels weird though.

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  27. No.

    The sentence distances me from what's going on. It could be a stylistic choice but it's not appealing to me.

    The emphasis is on the trap door creaking and I don't care about that without background.

    If the emphasis was on the character, then I'd be intrigued. (The chains bit into her flesh...She hoped the creaking trap door would alert others...etc.)

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  28. Yes. Immediate conflict and nice imagery. I'd like to read more.

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  29. No
    "as they bound her" is unneeded in the first sentence. And who is her? A person or the trap door? I'm sure it's made known if you read further, but it's confusing to start out with.

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  30. No. I agree that the sentence is too clunky as is.

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  31. No. Sounds trite.

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  32. No. The wording was akward, does "they" refer to the chains or her captors?

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  33. No. This could be good - but "they" and "her" are too generic and don't really give us anything specific.

    And it reads like she is being bound to the door, not bound with the chains as well.

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  34. No, this feels more like a second or third line. I feel like I'm missing something.

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  35. No. Good concept, clunky writing.

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  36. No - as I've stated before, I only want to read about violence when I know why it is integral to the story.

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  37. No. Sentence sounds stiff and a bit tortured.

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  38. No. I found this confusing and it didn't flow well.

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  39. No. Oddly, it's the word "wooden" that clinches it for me. It's a clunky detail in a sentence that needs to sing with tension.

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  40. No. For me, I don't like the floor being the subject of the sentence. I see what the sentence is going for, but doesn't get me there.

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  41. No.
    Sentence is too awkward for the moment of danger.

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  42. No, too many clauses make the sentence clunky.

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  43. Yes. Something is happening and I want to know what.

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  44. No. Only because the sentence needs to be reworded to clarify who "they" are. I'm guessing the implication is that her weight isn't enough to make the trap door creak and that the chains are very heavy/numerous...but the problem is that I have to guess to work that out. With editing, this could be a great start.

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  45. No.
    You still have a chance to get me, since it sounds like you've got the character in an interesting situation, but you don't have me yet.

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  46. No. It's a little too hard to picture.

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  47. Yes. Although I would rather have the "they" identified - the elves, the dwarves, the monsters, the whatever. I want to know what will happen next.

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  48. Yes. I like the title, and I'm curious about what the situation is. However, I'd clarify who "they" are or who "she" is, to make the sentence stronger.

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  49. No, the grammar of this sentence is confusing. If she's being bound by chains, why would the chains be laying on a trap door heavily enough to make it creak?

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  50. Yes. "They" could use some clarification, for sure, but I'm very curious about why she's chained on top of a door.

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  51. No. The emphasis on the creaking seems wrong. The scene is creepy and has potential, but it seems like the attention should be elsewhere, like maybe on the character's reaction.

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  52. Yes. For dark fantasy, it has set the mood and I would read on.

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  53. Yes. The sentence could be read a couple of different ways, but I imagine adding the rest of the first paragraph clears it up.

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  54. No. Reads old-fashioned melodrama without the intimacy of character names.

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  55. No. I can't visualise why the chains would be making the trap door creak.

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  56. No. Hard to visualize and I don't have a clue about MC.

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  57. Yes, but a tentative yes. We don't need to know it's wooden if it's creaking and I would change "as they" to "that" assuming "they" refers to the chains, which is how it reads. If you're referring to people who bound her, you need to be more clear.

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  58. No.

    I found the construction awkward. I can't tell what "they" or "her" refer to, so my mental picture is garbled.

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  59. No. It's written awkwardly which makes me question what's to come.

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  60. No. This has been done before and reminds of far too many movies/books with the same plot.

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  61. No. Sentence structure threw me off.

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  62. No. I'd consider dropping 'as they bound her' - the sentence is a little bit clunky in my opinion.

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