Wednesday, August 8, 2012

August First Line Grabber #23

TITLE: Clear Cut
GENRE: YA Fantasy

"The convict you choose will be your bodyguard on the journey ahead."

85 comments:

  1. Yes. Makes me wonder: Why is some chosen convict going to be a bodyguard for whatever journey they're facing?

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  2. Yes. Intrigued by the idea of convicts being body guards.

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  3. Yes. I'm already wondering about the convicts, why they need bodyguards, and the journey ahead. And the choice part makes it even cooler.

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  4. Yes. Like everyone else, I'm intrigued about convicts being bodyguards. As a character, that would make me nervous.

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  5. Yes. I'm pulled in by the choice and the idea of a convict as a bodyguard.

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  6. Yes. I like the idea, and I get the sense that you're starting the story in the right place. It seems like things are about to get really interesting.

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  7. Yes: ditto to everything erin said above.

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  8. Yes. I'm curious why a convict will become a bodyguard.

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  9. Yes! I kind of loved this sentence. Right away you set up a very interesting situation with just a few simple words. Great job!

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  10. Yes. Convict, body guard, journey...sounds like something I'd read.

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  11. Yes. I'm into it. Using a convict as a bodyguard and having to choose the right one sets up an immediate conflict/question and I'm ready to examine her choices. :)

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  12. Yes. It kept my attention, but I didn't like the Journey Ahead part.

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  13. Yes. My curiosity has been aroused.

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  14. Yes. Convict and bodyguard in one sentence make for an intriguing opener.

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  15. Yes. I'm automatically thinking of the movie Gamer. I'm envisioning burly hunks like Jason Statham and Gerald Butler lining up.

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  16. Yes. Nice hook right away.

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  17. NO. I cannot suspend my disbelief even for this first sentence. I cannot see anyone choosing a convict (read prisoner?) to be their bodyguard no matter what the world is like.

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  18. Yes. A convict as a prisoner? I want to know more about what's going on and why.

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  19. Yes.

    Ugh. Once again, I don't like dialog as a first line. I think this would be a better "grabber" if it were told in narrative, or thoughts. But, it does it's job. I can't say no to it.

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  20. No. I need a little more background to suspend my disbelief that a convict would be able/chosen/approved to be a bodyguard. Actually just adding in 'will serve' to the sentence, as if it's part of the convict's sentence, might do it for me.

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  21. Yes, although I would prefer some background and atmosphere before this point to ground the reader a bit more! But the concept alone has me intrigued.

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  22. Yes. Although the sentence feels just the slightest bit spare, the concept is interesting.

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  23. yes! his/her body guard is a convict? great hook!!

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  24. Yes, I like the concept of a convict bodyguard.

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  25. Yes.
    Intriguing. I definitely want to know who, why, what, how.

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  26. Yes, it hit the curiosity button. Pick a hot one!

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  27. Yes. It intrigues me with all sorts of possibilities.

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  28. No. It gives me an immediate sense of distrust.

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  29. Yes. A convict as a bodyguard seems completely unbelievable, so I have to read on to se what's up.

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  30. Love it, a convict bodyguard???

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  31. Yes. What is going on here! Immediately I want more. I know some say don't start with dialogue, but when you can do it like that, why not? :)

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  32. Yes. Convict.
    Really?

    It definitely does seem far-fetched, but has me interested in the story behind it!

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  33. No, I don't like books that open with dialogue.

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  34. No. While this is interesting, the concept just seemed presented in a heavy-handed fashion. Sounds very, 'As you know, Bob...'-ish.

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  35. Yes. A convict bodyguard? I'd read a little more just to find out what's going on. (Sorry for the horrible rule following again).

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  36. No. Mostly because my real answer is "meh." The dialogue start leaves me feeling disconnected and less interested than a sentence that gave me some grounding in where I was and who was narrating.

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  37. Yes. Convicts for bodyguards? Why need bodyguards? What journey? Need more.

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  38. No. Just didn't interest me.

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  39. Yes. Big time. I love the concept- a convict having to be a good guy with the prospect of adventure. Conflict. I love it! :)

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  40. YES. The full promise of conflict and journey are all there. I'd love to read more.

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  41. Yes
    Why a convict? Will he be a good bodyguard? Perhaps a friendship or a romance? What journey? I wish this was already a book!

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  42. Yes, yes, yes, please.
    In one line, you have a mysterious journey, a relationship being forced on what are likely unwilling parties, and someone being given an ally they are not going to want to trust. So much yes.

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  43. Yes. The contrast between convict and bodyguard, and the idea of a trip intrigued me.

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  44. Yes. Because not only does this spell clear mystery right away, but it points to a unique concept beneath, one I would be interested in reading - nice.

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  45. Yes. Normally I'm not a fan of starting with dialogue, but this does it well.

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  46. Yes, I would keep reading. I don't usually like quotes to start a story but I would assume the next lines will give context.

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  47. Yes. Nice hook, but think about one or two lines before you launch into dialog.

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  48. Yes
    Normally don't like dialogue at the start but this is interesting enough to provoke curiosity.

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  49. Yes, intriguing. And it takes a line this intriguing to make me get over my aversion to cold opens with dialogue.

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  50. Yes. I normally hate dialogue as an opening sentence, but the word 'convict' intrigues me. I'd read on.

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  51. No. This sounds like dialogue to me.

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  52. Yes! Choosing a convict as a body guard? For a journey?? I'm hooked.

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  53. Yes. Though I agree with the comment about changing "be" to "serve as", that gives a nice sense of the relationship between the one doing the choosing and the convict-bodyguard.

    (Full Disclosure: This is one of my crit partners, so I know what happens next. That may color my opinion...or not.)

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  54. Yes, interesting and makes me curious about this story.

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  55. Yes. Sounds like it will be a grand time with a convict as a bodyguard. Punchy.

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  56. Hahaha YES. I like the set-up instantly.

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  57. Wow! This really grabbed me. I want to know more!

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  58. Yes. Where are they going and can the convict be trusted?

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  59. Yes. Immediately makes me wonder why.

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  60. Yes. I don't like that it starts with dialogue, but it makes me wonder why a convict would be a bodyguard and suggests a story with a lot of action.

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  61. Yes. I think this dialogue is the exception that proves the rule: I don't care who is talking because what they are saying is so dang interesting.

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  62. Yes. The idea of a convict bodyguard is rife with potential conflict.

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  63. Yes! It really makes me wonder about what kind of convict and who they are bodyguarding and what the journey is. This one really does make me want to keep reading.

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  64. No. Starting with this dialogue does nothing for me.

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  65. Yes. I'm interested to find out why someone would be desperate enough to have to trust a convict to be a bodyguard.

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  66. Yes.

    I'd give it a few more lines because the premise seems so odd. But as a character, my response to this dialog would be, "Um... no thanks, then. I'll just stay home." So things would have to really start making sense for me to continue buying into it. I think the sentence is also a little long and overly informative to be truly hooky.

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  67. Yes. It promises conflict and adventure.

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  68. Yes. This seems like an interesting idea and I'm curious to what's going to happen.

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  69. Yes. Skillfully done, though "the journey ahead" is a little cliched...can it be changed to better describe the journey?

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  70. Yes. I'm not usually a fan of starting with dialogue, but I'm intrigued with the convict-as-bodyguard, and what sort of world we're in.

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  71. Yes. I don't like starting with dialogues, but this one intrigues me

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  72. Yes. I'm curious and can't help but wonder what I would do in that situation.

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  73. Writer here, now that voting's closed. Thank you, everyone, for your feedback. I didn't know dialogue would be half this controversial-- I just knew that every time I started somewhere else, it was the wrong place. And I blushed more often than I'll admit.

    Now that you've pointed it out, I will change the 'will be' to 'will serve as.' Thanks, everyone.

    Good luck to all in getting to the next round!

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  74. No. Again with the disconnected dialogue (though it seems an interesting piece of dialogue).

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  75. Yes. Concise and creates intrigue.

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  76. No. It does make me wonder, but it's hard to say - feels like it's just not grabby enough. It may be in conjunction with the follow up sentences - it could have been a yes in that case. On its own it doesn't grab me enough.

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