Wednesday, August 8, 2012

August First Line Grabber #25

TITLE: THE CURSE
GENRE: Adult Paranormal

I was born into this life a witch, naked and pink as nature intended; And it was for my birthright I was taken out of this world, naked just the same.

80 comments:

  1. Yes. The being killed naked part intrigues me. Writing needs to sustain that intrigue.

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  2. Yes. The part about being born a witch as naked intended hoked me.

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  3. Yes. Now I want to know what took her out of the world and why she was naked at the time.

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  4. Yes. It's well written and comes in a full circle. I have a thing for full circles.

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  5. Yes, it gave me a beginning and end. Which I like.

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  6. Yes. You create two very clear images with this one line, and I am curious to read on.

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  7. No. It seems like a cliche opening.

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  8. YES. Well constructed and mysterious

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  9. No. Seems a bit of a cheat with the semi-colon, and with that, a bit too much info for a first sentence.

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  10. yes. I had to think about it for a while. The next sentence would have to knock my socks off if I were to read beyond that.

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  11. No. Grandiose. I think it's "naked just the same" that pushed it over the edge into sonorous.

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  12. No. But it can be made a grabber with some editing.

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  13. Yes. I want to know why she's naked.. The sentence is a little clunky though.

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  14. YES. I love the writing, first off. Second, why was she killed for being a witch? The writing helps weave an intriguing question.

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  15. Yes, I'm a sucker for witches and like that it ties beginning and end.

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  16. No. I actually like the idea, but I feel like there's just too much going on for one sentence.

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  17. Yes.

    "nake just the same." pulled the yes out of me. I don't love it, but I'm interested.

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  18. Yes. It's well written, and I'm interested to know what's going on in the book.

    It's a little cliche, though, and if the following lines didn't work really well, I might not keep reading.

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  19. No. I agree the semicolon feels like a cheat to get the single sentence, and I really do feel I've seen similar lines elsewhere.

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  20. No.
    I like the part before the semi-colon. But the second part tells me we're about to have a flashback. I don't like starting with flashbacks. (Is the birthright the witchiness or something else?)

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  21. No. There's too much going on in the sentence, and the semicolon's addition feels tacked on.

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  22. NO, I think it's too much. I'd prefer it to be two sentences, plus it hints of misery-lit, which I'm not into.

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  23. No. Didn't care for the construction.

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  24. NO. The sentence is a bit clunky, though I like the cyclical nature you tried to bring to it.

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  25. No. Love the concept, but the sentence as a whole needs work.

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  26. Yes. I like the voice. Some of the grammar needs fixed but the voice caught me.

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  27. No. It looks like you realized the first sentence wasn't going to cut it and so you stuck the next sentence to it, making for a too long and incorrectly punctuated sentence. I also didn't get the 'for my birthright' part. The 'for' didn't make any sense. You can definitely trim this down to one compact sentence and have a much stronger hook, the idea is there.

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  28. No. I think this is a bit too wordy.

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  29. No. I almost said yes but there are grammatical errors and the "for" sounds like it should be "because of".

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  30. Yes. Grammar issues aside, the imagery is great, "naked and pink" which bodes well for the rest; and the premise it lays forth is intriguing.

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  31. YES -Iike the nature/naked echo. I'd change the semicolon to a period, though.

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  32. No. I agree this opening is a bit trite.

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  33. No for a first sentance. Yes for the concept.

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  34. Yes. Need to read a little more. First line seems wordy to me though.

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  35. Yes. The intrigue is there, even thought the sentence itself seems awkward.

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  36. Yes! The only thing more exciting than witches is naked witches.

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  37. Yes, love that she's supposedly dead. Also love the balance of the sentence.

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  38. No. This first sentence seems like it's trying too hard.

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  39. No. There's nothing here to impress me. Sure, she's a witch. Sure, she was born naked. These are standards of fantasy. Even the idea of dying naked is not new or interesting enough to grab me.

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  40. No
    Sounds overly sexy. and the "and" after ; should be lower case.

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  41. Yes. Witch both brought into and taken out of the world is intriguing.

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  42. Yes - but with caveats - check proper semicolon usage and consider a synonym for "naked" the second time around.

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  43. Yes, it's dramatic and seems to fit with the genre and title.

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  44. No. It is an interesting concept, but it sounds like you jput two sentences together, and now it feels choppy to me.

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  45. No. reads like an attempt to shoehorn two sentences into one and in either case is confusing all the same.

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  46. No. The language is a little grandiose for my taste.

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  47. No. I don't like the naked and pink part. If you left it at naked, maybe. I also know a lot about witches so the part about being dead is kind of obvious. Most accused witches were killed. So the surprise element is lacking.

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  48. Yes. It could be cleaned up a bit, but I really like the voice.

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  49. No. Wordy. Could be tighter. "and" after semi-colon doesn't need to be capitalized.

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  50. No. As I see others have said "and" shouldn't be capitalized after a semicolon, but also it's vague as to whether being a witch is the speaker's birthright, or if the birthright refers to something else.

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  51. Yes. I found it intriguing and want to read more.

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  52. No. The semicolon feels like a cheat to make a single more interesting first sentence. I do like the idea presented, and I think this could be great with some editing.

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  53. Yes, strong voice, but the uppercase And seems strange.

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  54. No. I don't like the voice and found the sentence confusing.

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  55. No. I'm not sure that 'as nature intended' actually adds to the voice. The sentence seems a bit overdone. You could just say she was born a naked witch and she died a naked witch (not exactly like that--but something simpler that doesn't seem so haughty).

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  56. Yes. I'm a sucker for a well-told story about witches (especially with well-researched history weaved in), and this opened up in an intriguing way.

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  57. No. I like what it's going for, but don't think it succeeded at it. Needs to be reworked.

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  58. No, don't care for the voice

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  59. No. The sentence was clunky. But I like the idea.

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  60. No. I liked the ideas, but too much info in one sentence. Semi colon doesn't work for me there. Could work if reworded.

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  61. Yes. I like the mystery of how she was taken out of this world. Plus, I enjoy stories about witches, so I'm hooked. :)

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  62. Yes. It has me sort of intrigued, though I'm not sure about if I'd like the voice, but I like how the line ends referencing the first part.

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  63. No. The wording strikes me as a tad melodramatic. Plus, the sentence feels more like a premise or a prologue than a start to a story. Unless the character is currently dead, I'm very confused as to the tenses used. If the character IS currently dead... I'm still confused.

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  64. Yes. I don't usually like being told up front the character dies, and the sentence was a little awkward. I did like the 'naked and pink as nature intended' and the 'taken out of this world, naked just the same' though. Great phrasing.

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  65. No. I'm on the fence....but I'm just not convinced.

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  66. Yes. I like the circular structure. Plus, I love this genre.

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  67. No. Telling me the character is dead in the first line doesn't do anything for me.

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  68. No.

    The sentence is long and unwieldy. And it makes it sound like nature intended her to be born naked and pink because she's a witch, when everyone is born naked and pink regardless... (unless you aren't). The hook bit seems to be that she's naked when she dies... but that doesn't really grab me.

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  69. Yes. I'm intrigued enough to keep reading, to see what the character has to say.

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  70. Yes. I want to get to know this deep witch.

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  71. Yes. I do think this is really two sentences, but if you'd ended it with "as nature intended," I'd still be hooked.

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  72. Yes. I like the writing style enough to want more

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  73. Yes, I like this, it's pretty and horrid at the same time. I like the balance of naked being at the beginning and the end.

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  74. Yes. I love that the beginning of the sentence and the end of the sentence tie together.

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  75. No. Had to read twice to get it, especially with the grammatical error.

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  76. No, it just doesn't do it for me. I think it's a bit long, for a start, and a lot of stories start with a character being born or a reference to them being born - bit of a cliche.

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