Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #7

TITLE: Followed by Frost
GENRE: YA Fantasy

When 17-year-old Smitha is cursed to be as cold as her heart, she’s cast from her village, carrying her perpetual winter with her. In the wilderness she faces two choices: give up her life and follow Death into the realm beyond, or bring water to a country in drought, where she will live forever cold and forever apart from the man she loves.


  1. It's interesting, but the two choices seem orthogonal. You don't specifically say that the man she loves will be with her in death, so I don't think the either/or works as well as it could.

    Also, it seems like she there's no possibility for a good outcome, so how would we root for her?

  2. 'Cursed to be as cold as her heart' implies that she's cruel and not someone we can look up to or root for, at least at the beginning. As an antihero, I think you need to give more attention to her finding redemption through 'bringing water to a country in drought', and give us a hope of some sort of happy ending or character arc. With how you described it, I worry she'll still be cold-hearted at the end, which makes me wonder if the book will be worth reading.

  3. This one left me confused. I felt like there were too many avenues for the story to follow with what you presented in this logline.

    I am also not sure how the first sentence fits in with the second, and the mane she loves part felt a bit out of nowhere tacked on at the end, which added to my confusion on the story being fantasy vs romance.

  4. If it's as cold as her heart, then can't she thaw her heart and become good/friendly/kind, etc?

    Perhaps she has to journey to come to this understanding? Perhaps you want to indicate that the protag believes she is doomed to wander and never be with her love. Give her some chance for redemption that is self-made.

    Also, digging a well or bringing water doesn't seem to segue with powers of cold and frost. I know this has to be short, but some explanation or inference as to how she can do this would be helpful.

  5. I'm confused by the either/or as well.

    If your choices are (1) die, or (2) do something good but live eternally separated from everyone and everything, I don't see how doing good would be appealing - especially to someone who starts out cold and cruel.

    Also, the "bring water" bit definitely needs some more explaining - or perhaps a little less. If it's that she has to do a good deed or save so many people or something similar, you may want to use that type of phrasing so it doesn't require as much explanation.

    I also questioned why she would care about someone she loves when having a frozen heart implies she is incapable of love.

    There are definitely some very intriguing concepts here, but the questions raised might be obscuring them a bit.

  6. You have to be very careful when you use cliches in your loglines. As written, it sounds like she is the Queen of Narnia and that everywhere she goes turns to winter. Is this true or are you just trying to say that she is cold? Also, you have a good inciting incident here but it is not inciting a goal and it needs to do that. A choice is not a goal unless your book ends when she makes it.

    Finally, I agree with everyone that these two choices both sound bad. She is either dead without the man she loves or cold and apart from the man she loves. Even if one of these options gave her the man, this would only matter if her goal was his love.

    Good luck!

  7. I like the first sentence and the concept. She sounds like a cruel person (or unfriendly) who has a journey to make to become a better person. At least that's where I would think the first sentence would go. And yes, her choices are both bad. I think what you're missing here is her goal. What does she want? You have her in a very passive mode - she is kicked out of her village, she is given choices. Does she do anything proactively? Does she leave the village promising something to herself? If you think of it more that way, you will end up with a more compelling MC and a story readers (of loglines) can get behind. Good luck!