Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #12

TITLE: WINDSWEPT
GENRE: Upmarket Commercial Fiction

Set in the 1980s when India is eager to enter the modern age and multinational corporations want cheap labor and high profits, an illiterate Indian slumdweller teams up with an American woman scientist to find the truth about an explosion at a chemical factory that left thousands dead.





17 comments:

  1. I think you'd be better starting with the characters rather than the setting. It's the contrast of slumdweller and scientist, and what they have to teach each other, that will make the setting meaningful.

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  2. Yeah, I think you can cut everything before your comma and it would be compelling and simple.

    Hey, is this about the Bhopal disaster? I teach students about that in my ENvironmental Science class - would love to read a novel about it. Makes me so mad every time I think about what happened to those poor people.

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  3. I really like this! But I think you should tighten it up as well as add a little bit more detail.

    First I would recommend you start somehow like this:
    Set in 1980s India an illiterate ...
    OR: Set in India in the 1980s an illiterate ...

    I think the year is relevant, as is the location, but we don't need a
    subjective characterization of that period in time.
    I would also like to know why both of them - especially the Indian slumdweller - wants to find the truth about the explosion. Are/were either of them affected by it?

    Good luck!

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  4. I think your level of details is bogging down your logline. It can be really hard to separate the important bits from the extraneous ones.

    Maybe start like:

    When illiterate Indian slumdweller teams up with an American scientist to uncover the truth about a chemical factory explosion... (Stakes go here. What stands in the way? are people trying to stop them? What might they have to sacrifice if they fail?)

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  5. Your story sounds great, setting drew me in, but I agree with the comments to begin with your characters.

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  6. Everything after the comma is great. First part of the sentence is unnecessary and generic. The last part makes me want to read the book.

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  7. Consider cutting the entire first phrase. That sets up the goal. Now what is the obstacle faced, and the consequences to the slumdweller?

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  8. I would keep a trimmed-down version of the setting details (1980s India). Why are these particular people determined to find answers? What motivates them? What stands in their way?

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  9. How about "An illiterate Indian slumdweller teams up with an American woman scientist in 1980s India to find the truth about an explosion at a chemical factory that left thousands dead. Now add in an obstacle they face, or the stakes if they do/don't find out."

    Sounds like a compelling story. I'd read it. Good luck! :)

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  10. The setup is interesting but there is too much detail and I can't see why it is relevant as written. You need to give us the character description and basic setting, then tell us why he needs to solve this mystery as well as what may stop him. In this case, you may be able to work the setting into an obstacle.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  11. Thanks for the suggestions, everyone.

    Jessica, yes, this story is inspired by the Bhopal disaster.

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  12. the stakes and conflict here are good, but I agree that the setting makes it top heavy - not putting your best foot forward. The setting could be streamlined into the description of the conflict, or perhaps set up the government as an antagonist.

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  13. There was BIG legal happenings regarding this disaster in 2012 (I lived in Ahmedabad, Gujarat that entire year).

    I think that you can actually cut the entire clause prior to the comma and maybe hint at the time/setting thusly:

    It is the 1980s and the Indian government is eager to join the modern age, but at what cost? When a chemical plant disaster leaves thousands dead, an illiterate Indian slumdweller teams up with an American scientists to discover the truth about the explosion.

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  14. Er... 2010... I meant 2010!

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  15. I teach Environmental science and ethics, so this story is familiar to me as others have mentioned, so I'm curious how factual this is. From my perspective, it would be more effective as nonfiction, along the lines of Unbroken or Katherine Boo's book about Mumbai. That would be fascinating.

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  16. Consider starting with the characters and what is at stake for them. Character is always more interesting that setting even though in this instance, the setting and event are vital to the story. Would like to read this book.

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