TITLE: Ultraviolet Catastrophe
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi
Lexie’s first assignment as a student at prestigious Quantum Technologies leads her to uncover a mistake in the master equation for an Einstein-Rosen bridge - a wormhole. But when the lead scientist turns up as a popsicle in the cryo chamber, Lexie discovers it wasn’t a mistake - someone’s eliminating scientists. And if she doesn’t stop them, her classmates will be next.
Oh, man, I really love this! I love all the story elements you've presented here—student at a prestigious school (I think it's a school, anyway? Perhaps you could clarify that.), a wormhole (!!), a lead scientist who "turns up as a popsicle" (LOVE that. Great voice!). I love that you so succinctly set up the main problem + Lexie's goal + the stakes.
ReplyDeleteMy only nitpicky critique is that the first sentence is a bit wordy (with multisyllabic words, at that), but I don't necessarily think it's bad. I simply had to slow down and sip the words, rather than guzzling them. :) Really good job, I hope I get to read more of this one day!
This is so different and interesting. I would love to read something like this. The logline could be summarized a little more. For instance, is it important that it's her first assignment? Also "leads her to uncover" is a very long intro to "uncovers".
ReplyDeleteI love the concept in this. I felt a little lost in places. When the 'mistake' is first mentioned, it doesn't sound deadly, it's just a flaw in the equation. But suddenly it's killing people, and soon students as well.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is great, especially the line about the popsicle in the crypto chamber - just a little tightening and clarificaiton and I think you're set.
Interesting premise, and love the touch of voice in there. I'm just wondering if this could be further condensed. I may be wrong, and perhaps someone else can clarify, but I thought loglines are essentially a one sentence summary of the book, the plot and stakes but also an emotional hook (where the characters aren't necessarily named). Which is slightly different from a pitch, in that a pitch gives you more space and thus more detail. Other than the length, you seem to have all the elements in place. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI love this premise and I think your hook is good, but a bit long. You might consider consolidating:
ReplyDeleteWhen Lexie uncovers a mistake in the master equation for an Einstein-Rosen bridge, she thinks it's just an accident - until the lead scientist turns up as a popsicle in the cryo chamber. If she can't discover who is planted the error and stop them, she and her classmates could be next.
This is a good start -- the structure seems just right -- but I think it could be streamlined just by dropping a few details and a bit of rearranging. Maybe something like this:
ReplyDeleteIn her first assignment at Quantum Technologies, Lexie discovers a mistake in the plans to build a wormhole. But when a scientist turns up as a popsicle in the cryo chamber, she knows it wasn't a mistake -- someone's eliminating scientists. If she doesn't stop them, her classmates will be next.
My only concern is that we don't know why she has to be the one to solve this problem, but that's information only you can add.
You use 'mistake' twice, and I don't think they refer to the same mistake. It made me stumble a bit.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I love the Popsicle in the cryo chamber idea.
Cool concept and love the popsicle. I also think this can be trimmed a bit.
ReplyDeleteI second Ewok's revision.
ReplyDeleteI'm having a hard time seeing the flow from her finding the mistake, to the dead scientists. I feel like those two things should be more obviously connected.
ReplyDeleteI don't see the connection between the first line and the second. Does the mistake in the equation make it look like it caused this scientist's death via a wormhole? If so, you need to be more clear about this. After that, you have a setting but you need a goal. Why does she need to stop them? Are there no police? Is she the only person who can figure this out? Will the "someone" try to stop her from findning him or her?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Second and third sentences read wonderfully. I would tighten the first sentence.
ReplyDelete