TITLE: One Decision
GENRE: Contemporary Women's Fiction
When her ex-love forgives her for secretly giving up the baby he never knew about seven years ago, thirty-year-old Melanie must learn to forgive herself or risk losing a second chance at happily ever after.
This sounds convoluted as it is. Try two direct linked sentences, something like: 'Keith (or whatever) forgives his ex-lover Melanie for secretly, etc. - but she will give up all chance of a happy ending for them if she cannot learn to forgive herself.'
ReplyDeleteFor me you've got the right elements here (and it sounds like a heart-wrenching story with a great character arc), but they could use a little tigtening and clarification.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't have to be a single sentence, it just needs to be brief. Maybe something more like (but cleaned up to sound more like you :-):
Seven years ago, Melanie gave up her baby and didn't tell the father. Now her ex-love knows and has forgiven her, but if she can't forgive herself she'll lose a second chance at happily ever after.
I don't think you need names, but maybe just focus on the important parts.
ReplyDelete[Even though] her ex-love forgives her for secretly giving up [their unborn] baby [], thirty-year-old Melanie must learn to forgive herself or risk losing a second chance at happily ever after.
I've really struggled with this so I really appreciate the help everyone. Here is another one I have, but I'm worried it's a too long:
ReplyDeleteWhen the baby she gave up seven years ago is diagnosed with Leukemia, thirty-year-old Melanie must finally tell her ex-love he's a father. When he forvives her deception after making a life-saving bone marrow donation, Melanie must find a way to forgive herself if she wants a second chance at love.
Thanks!
This second one is much more clear! I think it is also more compelling. There are a lot of details in it, you are right, but all the pieces are definitely there and it is clear and concise.
ReplyDeleteSorry for all the typos, I'm trying to do this from my phone. Ugh. Thanks for the comments!
ReplyDeleteConsider moving Melanie to the forefront.
ReplyDeleteWhen thirty-one-year old Melanie's ex-love forgives her for giving up the baby he knew nothing about, she must learn to forgive herself or risk losing a second chance at happily ever after.
To me the fact she gave the baby up seven years ago isn't relevant. Also, 'secretly' and 'knew nothing about' are redundant.
What does learning to forgive herself look like? Is this purely emotional or is there something she must (or can only) do if she forgives herself?
ReplyDeleteI like your rewrite, more vivid and compelling. Cut the seven years ago, skip her age.
ReplyDeleteWhat Soup Mamma said. The details about the baby and father's donation add heart and emotional pull.
ReplyDeleteThe revision is MUCH better! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much everyone. I was worried about putting in too much versus leaving too much out. Lots of over thinking on my part LOL.
ReplyDeleteThe revision is okay but it's full of cliche. How will she know she has forgiven herself? This is not tangible and it's hard to judge a goal that has no end in sight. Also, I have no clue what she is forgiving herself for. Not telling him? And what is this "second chance at happily ever after"? Is this marriage to him? Finally, you can't throw in a child with Cancer and expect us to care whether or not she finds love. I'm sorry if this is harsh but I feel like the focus should be saving the child not finding a husband.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
You need to raise the stakes. I suspect they are plenty high in the book itself but you must expose the danger or conflict in the logline. Melanie must certainly have done something extreme besides giving up the baby - give a clue. The end of the sentence borders on silly. Happily ever after is fairy tale - this isn't. Please change it to something more in line with the trauma she's facing.
ReplyDeleteI like your second one way better - when you bring in the fact that there's a child's life on the line, the stakes go way up, and the story suddenly sounds like it's going to be an emotional roller coaster instead of a story about a woman feeling sorry for herself.
ReplyDeletei like the rewrite better as well, but now am worried about her focus on 'true love' when her child has cancer...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, much prefer your rewrite that includes the details of why she needs to tell the father about his child after all these years. Makes a more heart wrenching story.
ReplyDelete