Wednesday, February 20, 2013

February Secret Agent #45

TITLE: Courtland
GENRE: YA (SFF/Contemporary)

You don't know me. If you knew me, you wouldn't like me, and maybe I'd hate you. Maybe as much as I hate myself.

"Helen," My mother yells, "you're going to be late for school."

I move around my room, tidying the curtains and smoothing the bedspread. I arrange three decorative pillows into side-by-side diamonds. I survey the bed, smooth it one more time. On my desk, a metallic blue pen sits next to my laptop. I return it to the first small slot of the pen holder. I adjust the pad of paper that I use for my lists so that it's no longer crooked. I shut my laptop.

"Helen! We have to leave now."

After double checking that my EpiPen is in the front compartment of my backpack, I grab my lint remover and do a quick roll of the bag, my pants and my jacket. I turn off the lights and click the door shut behind me.

I take a deep breath and run through a mental checklist to make sure I didn't forget anything. When my mom yells again, I force myself to head downstairs.

Mom and I don't speak for most of the drive to school. Invisible waves of fury flow from her, crashing against me as if I'm a lone rock on the edge of the Pacific.

"I'd appreciate it if just once you would answer me when I speak to you," she says.

I close my eyes and hold fast as a fresh wave breaks over me. God.



11 comments:

  1. Wow, okay. This is well-written and has a good pace. It has a strong sense of character. I'm intrigued by her obsessiveness, and that she literally won't speak to her mother.

    It read smoothly enough that nothing really jarred, so I have no nitpicks.

    My only complaint is that your character seems heavy on the angst. It's an important part of YA, but it seems quite heavy here. At this point, I don't much like her.

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  2. I enjoy the opening, and I thoroughly enjoyed the ending. The middle wasn't my favorite, but that might have been the point. Obviously the character has a series of mundane OCD/necessary check-list to go through, which would add to the personality I am sure if I read on.

    I love how it's written though, and the description of the "invisible waves of fury" silently crashing into the character. Thought that was brilliant, because it gave me a clear picture of how they feel. We've all been there with parents.

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  3. I love your ending here. "Invisible waves of fury..." Awesome. The only note I have is the first line, as it seems to stand apart from the story and does not paint a favorable picture of your MC, unless that is what you are going for. I think her actions following are much stronger.

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  4. Spaced Out Gal makes a good point with the opening line; I felt myself distancing myself, so I didn't really become engaged in the story after the first few lines. I do think it's well-written, I'd just like to get a better sense of the character.

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  5. I meant to say "distancing myself from the character."

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  6. The first line feels like you are speaking directly to me, and then you shift into first person. The change feels jarring. I don't feel any desire to like the narrator, and so the story hasn't hooked me yet.

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  7. I wish the beginning was in first person through out. I wasn't engaged until the last sentence. Like the last sentence.

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  8. The first line was fine, but the rest of it was very clear about the OCD. My dad was that way, and he made us late for EVERYTHING!!!! I really got this scene.

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  9. I loved the voice here, especially the final three sentences. It reminds me of being a teenager--and what's ahead with my own kids (oh, no!).

    I found the first paragraph off-putting. Maybe consider starting with something else, or shortening it to "If you knew me, you wouldn't like me"?

    I feel like you offer such great details in a short piece that I truly know the character -- love that lint remover!

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  10. The writing here is certainly fine, but we see so many openings for YA with a teen getting ready for school and running late. I admit, I started a novel this way and had no idea it was a cliche or overdone until people on this blog pointed it out. Not to say you can't start the story here, but why not push for a more compelling setting? Just a thought, and go with your gut. If this opening scene works for you, by all means keep it. I do agree with the others that the opening line is jarring; if that is the tone you want to set, go for it. As long as you can make a rough character endearing in some way, give the reader something to root for.

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  11. I thought it was well written with a lot of voice and paints a character with a lot of idiosyncrasies. I would ditch the first line. I didn't think it did anything good for the narrative.

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