Tuesday, May 7, 2013

First Kiss #11

GENRE: YA Fantasy

Princess Denna is betrothed to a prince whom she will marry in a few days, but the prince's sister just confessed her love for Denna - feelings that Denna returns.

The words “I love you” rang in my ears, repeating themselves over and over until they became nonsense and I barely believed they’d been spoken. But they had, and it was those words that propelled me toward the window. I caught her arm and pulled her back, planting myself on the sill beside her. Her eyes shone with pain as I wiped away her tears with the sleeve of my dress, not caring for a moment that I was probably ruining it. She turned away from me, and I couldn’t tolerate it a moment longer. I pushed her back against the windowsill, pinning her against the rough stones.

All I could think of was how much I loved her and had always loved her. She had awakened me to the world, and now it was my turn to bring her to life by showing her how much she meant to me. I wove my fingers through her hair and pulled her face to mine, surging forward to meet her lips with my own. Her body went rigid at my touch, yet her lips were soft and sweet. An icy wind cut through the open window, but I was inseparable from her, kissing her slowly, deeply, every feeling I had for her pooling into my lips as I tasted her.

Pulling back, I looked at her and wondered how someone could still look so beautiful with tearstained cheeks. The rope slapped against the windowsill as it fell from her limp fingers, and I knew I had won. Through my hand on her neck I could feel the furious beating of her heart keeping time with my own.


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  2. I really could feel the chemistry in this one. I also think your descriptions are great. I personally wouldn't remove or add anything but leave it as it is :)

    great job.

  3. This is beautifully written. I agree with Maja and wouldn't change a thing!

  4. Wow. This scene is pulled me in and did not let go. I was ready to turn the page.

  5. Lovely writing! I especially liked “kissing her slowly, deeply, every feeling I had for her pooling into my lips as I tasted her” and “I could feel the furious beating of her heart keeping time with my own.”

    I was a bit distracted, though, by trying to figure out where they were in relationship to the window. Was the other trying to climb out? (I caught her arm and pulled her back.) Are they then sitting on the sill (planting myself on the sill beside her)? But then Denna pushes her back against the sill, so they couldn't be sitting. I’m assuming this whole set-up has already been described and that the window rope has already been mentioned.

    Since two kinds of touching have already happened (fingers in hair, pulled face to mine), I’d change “went” to “had gone” in this sentence: “Her body had gone rigid at my touch.”

    And being “inseparable from her” doesn’t really have anything to do with the “icy wind.” You could say something like: “Not even the icy wind that cut through the open window could distract me in that moment as I kissed her...”

  6. I think this is very well written. Lots of drama, lots of emotion. My only complaint is that I wasn't sure who the agressor was. If it was Princess Denna or her sister-in-law-to-be. However, I'm sure if I were reading the whole thing, I'd know. Great work!

  7. Brava! I can feel the passion, and i love that the MC initiates the kiss. Seems as though too many kiss scenes fall into the "and then it happened" trope.

  8. Thank you all so much for your comments and feedback! I'm very flattered by all the positivity and excited to make some adjustments to make the scene even stronger.