TITLE: A Tale of Two Hearts
GENRE: Adventure
This is the very end of the book. Grant has grown more attracted to April throughout the book.
I looked at the small golden heart hanging from the thin gold chain around April's neck. The glow of the moonlight danced on it like the morning sun had sparkled on her other one as she stood below my bedroom window the day before yesterday. Unlike her other necklace, this one was a complete heart. Both halves were there.
As I watched her delicate fingers exploring the heart, I remembered her holding up the fishing worm just before we found the chest. I recalled how I had thought her dirt-covered fingers and her bare feet made her look like a Missouri farm boy. Looking at her now, standing in the white glow of the California moon, I realized she looked nothing at all like a farm boy. April’s soft voice broke my concentration.
“Well? Does it look okay?”
I smiled at her. “A lot better than okay. It looks like it belongs there.”
The moonlight danced in her eyes as she smiled back. The dimple in her cheek receded. She leaned forward, and her face moved toward mine. I felt her soft, warm arms as they wrapped around my neck. The delicate fragrance of sweet honeysuckle filled my head as she moved closer. It felt like a million Pixies were fluttering inside my stomach as April's lips touched mine.
It was over in a moment, and I felt totally breathless from the experience. My head was swimming. There was a pounding inside my chest and a ringing in my ears. It was absolutely wonderful!
She moved her face toward my ear.
I felt the silky touch of her hair brushing my cheek as she whispered, “Thank you, Grant. For everything.”
She placed her small hand inside mine as we turned and headed toward home. The summer moon lit our faces as our dark shadows followed a step behind.
I didn't really feel a strong connection to your characters, but I'm guessing that's just because I haven't read the rest of your story. My only suggestion might be to tell less and show more. For example, "It was over in a moment, and I felt totally breathless from the experience. My head was swimming." might be better rewritten to convey the idea rather than just coming out and telling us. Hope that helps. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming I'd be far more attached to these characters if I read the rest of the story. I will say that was cute. I like how he mentions the heart 'belongs' there, and the pixies fluttering instead of butterflies made it feel more like a fantasy and less cliche.
ReplyDeleteI think you could alter the voice to make it more powerful. 'It was over in a moment, and I felt totally breathless' could be 'and I couldn't catch my breath.' or something similar. Just my thoughts, though.
well done.
This was cute. :) It makes me wonder about what all they went through before this moment. :)
ReplyDeleteThis was cute. I like the description of the heart necklace. My mind immediately went to a necklace I had as a kid. I gave one half to my best friend and kept the other for myself.
ReplyDeleteI will say that this particular sentence threw me. "The glow of the moonlight danced on it like the morning sun had sparkled on her other one as she stood below my bedroom window the day before yesterday." I get what you're saying, but it might need to be reworded as I tripped over it.
Yeah it's hard to feel connected, but of course that's because this is the end of your MS and we haven't read the whole thing, so i'm not worried or bothered by that.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing could be tightened quite a bit. I think you use the word "look" like 6 times, and there's also quite a bit of filtering (I feel, i realized, etc) which pulled me further away from the MC and his experiences.
The kiss was adorbs, though!
Good luck!
This was lovely. It reminds me of the classics. Flowery and romantic. You are very good with descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rebecca that the "The glow of the moonlight..." sentence just struck me as clunky. The subject is there and I think with a little polishing this will be an enchanting ending.
ReplyDeleteI liked how he gave a little retrospective of their relationship, kind of an appreciation of all they'd been through.
ReplyDeleteThe section felt a bit overwritten in parts, and I'd suggest you back off on trying to tell us what we should feel and just let the scene evoke our feelings. For example, you wrote:
"The glow of the moonlight danced on it like the morning sun had sparkled on her other one as she stood below my bedroom window the day before yesterday. "
It would be shorter and more evocative as:
"The moonlight glinted on it the same way the sunrise had yesterday on the other heart."
Also, we're a bit removed from the scene because you're overwriting a bit:
" Looking at her now, standing in the white glow of the California moon, I realized she looked nothing at all like a farm boy."
"Now, though, in the moonlight, she looked nothing like a farm boy."
A lot of your descriptors could be shortened or eliminated, and I think the scene would be stronger for it because the characters and the emotion would be more in the forefront. THanks for sharing!
I was confused in the first paragraph when he compares the necklaces. Agree that you could show more. The dimple sentence was divine!
ReplyDelete