Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #38

TITLE: MIGHTY MIKE AND THE ALIEN PEZ DISPENSER
GENRE: MG Sci-fi

Mike crammed his Space Camp application and the “C-” history quiz into the Tweety Bird backpack that was not as cool as The Avenger’s Hawkeye, no matter what Mom said.

46 comments:

  1. Yes, you had me at Tweety Bird backpack.


    Violet - #29

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  2. Yes. I think this sentence might work a bit better if broken into two, but I like the voice and Tweety Bird Backpack :-)

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  3. Yep, I think you've probably crammed extra in here to make it your 'first sentence', but you get a lot of character in just a few words.

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  4. Yes. While I agree with A.M. that it should be broken up into two sentences, I like the voice of this character.

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  5. No. It was hard to follow the sentence through the list of things mentioned. They were a bit too disparate from one another for my brain to condense into a clear image of what's going on.

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  6. Yes. I like the voice and Tweety Bird ;) and Avangers... and Space Camp application. Hooked me in even thought I don't read MG, or much Sci-fi

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  7. No. I like seeing the character and voice through this sentence, but it's a little clunky and long for my tastes.

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  8. Yes, because I love the Tweety Bird and Hawkeye reference. But I do agree that it should be broken up into separate sentences. There's a lot crammed into one.

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  9. Yes: I like the humor, but like everyone else said, trim this sentence. Take out either the application or the quiz, whatever is less important (probably the quiz). It'll make the funny even funnier.

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  10. Yes - for middle grade, I love that we already have an idea of Mike (space camp, C-, Mom's opinion), but it is a little wordy!

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  11. Yes. Could his mom really be that cruel???? Had me at the tweety-bird backpack as well.

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  12. No. Too wordy. No boy over the age of 6 would willingly carry a tweety-bird backpack. He would have taken a permanent marker to it.

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  13. No. I love the tweety reference but I'm grown. I had to explain who the loony toons were to my 11 year old recently. This is an old reference. Plus tweety is girly. This just feels to dated to me.

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  14. No. The images are great, as is the overall tone, but the sentence itself throws too much at the reader at once IMO.

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  15. No. There was a little too much crammed in there for me. However, nice details. I love the Tweety Bird backpack.

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  16. No. You've got a strong voice and character in this line, but it's trying to do too many things at once. I'd prefer this info over two or three sentences than crammed into one.

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  17. Yes, because I love the voice (and the title), but I agree that it is a long sentence, especially for MG.

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  18. I'm on the fence. I like the voice, but the sentence is clunky.

    Consider splitting it into two sentences:

    Mike crammed his Space Camp application and the “C-” history quiz into the Tweety Bird backpack. It/That was not as cool as The Avenger’s Hawkeye, no matter what Mom said.

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  19. Yes

    The voice was strong enough to keep me reading, as was the humor

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  20. Yes.

    I love everything about this. I feel like this little kid has some attitude, and I like it.

    It also shows us right off the bat that Space is his passion.

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  21. Yes- This is right up my alley, humor, Tweety and all. But I agree it would be better as two sentences instead of one.

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  22. Yes. It's a long sentence, but it gives me the sense that Mike is someone who bites off more than he can chew -- which makes him flawed and sympathetic and interesting. Something about him cramming things into his bag makes him seem impatient *and* curious.

    Second, I like what appears to be the foreshadowing of him not knowing as much as he should about history. (Space history?) I'm assuming this will come back to bite him once he gets into Space Camp ;)

    Finally, "no matter what Mom said" plants Mike firmly in MG territory with minimal effort.

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  23. YES, you got me with the title but the sentence conveys a whole range of internal feelings and failings. "cramming" "C-" the uncool backpack and the final reference to "mom" Love it. It may be a bit too long, but in a published novel it could be broken into two sentences without any loss.

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  24. Yes, but trim the sentence. The imagery was good, but too much all at once.

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  25. Yes (but I was on the fence). Yes, because I like the voice and the quirky details presented here. It was almost a no, though, because I feel like there were too many specific things mentioned—it was just a lot to digest all at once.

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  26. Yes. I can tell this is going to be fun but I would try to streamline.

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  27. No, as it is now. You've jammed too much in this first line. The impact would be stronger if you shortened it up.:)

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  28. Yes. I liked this but think you should cut the history quiz bit out to make the sentence snappier. It steals oomph from the funny ending.

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  29. Yes. Despite Hawkeye being not nearly as cool as Ironman, no matter what Mom said.

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  30. I adored this! It was the backpack comment that really did it. And, unless his less than stellar understanding of history is relevant to the story (which it might be) then I'd cut that from the sentence.

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  31. Yes. You had me at "Space Camp."

    And I'll have you know that I once sported a tweety bird backpack! ...When I was five. So that definitely makes this funny.

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  32. No, too much packed into one sentence.

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  33. Yes. Make it into two sentences, and yes! Love the voice and what I've learned about the mc in a short amount of time.

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  34. Yes. It's already showing personality. Nice job.

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  35. Yes, although I would have to suspend disbelief that a boy would allow himself to be seen carrying a "Tweety Bird" backpack.

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  36. No. A lot of good information but seems like multiple sentences squeezed into one.

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  37. No. Too much crammed into one sentence. Also, "The Avenger's Hawkeye" feels clunky. Could you use a different character, one that doesn't need the qualifier?

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  38. Yes. Well written, good for the age range, and the tweety bird back pack is the cherry on top.

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  39. Yes. This was a bit wordy, but sucked me in and made me smile. I think it would have been smoother if you'd left out 'and the "C-" history quiz'. Having said that, the quiz could be all important to the sentences following.

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  40. Yes--It is a long sentence, but all of it is useful information that shows Mike's character. He wants to go to space camp, he's not great at history, nor does he approve of his mom's taste in backpacks, yet he still has enough sense of self to walk around with that Tweety backpack.

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  41. Yes. I'm not sure the first bits grab me, but I love the character that comes through with "not as cool ... no matter what Mom said."

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  42. Yes. In one line you give me so much info about the character.

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  43. Great imagery, but I had to read this sentence three times to understand it. It's a little convoluted.

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