Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #40

TITLE: Our Lady of Fatima
GENRE: YA

Paige stepped off the school bus, and there was Kathy’s beat-up Volvo in the driveway again.

38 comments:

  1. No. There's nothing intriguing about this sentence. I realize we will probably see as we read on why this is ordinary detail is significant, but it doesn't stand out as a sentence opener.

    ReplyDelete
  2. No sorry, nothing interesting grabbed me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. No. There is nothing that intrigues me based on this sentence alone.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No. Nothing really grabbed me, maybe if there was some emotion connected to seeing Kathy's car in the driveway.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No. It's too passive - find a better verb than was. Maybe, Kathy's beat up Volvo littered the driveway.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No: On its own, nothing remarkable. I'd need her reaction for there to be enough conflict. To tell the truth, this feels like a first sentence that clearly depends on the following sentences, and there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you're confident with the rest of the paragraph.

    ReplyDelete
  7. No - I like where the story is going, so if it was tweaked a little, I would totally say yes! A better choice could be made for the first sentence, though.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No. I'm having trouble interpreting if the car in the driveway is good or bad.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, when combined with the title which I love.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yes, I like that we aren't sure what the car means yet. It makes me want to read more and find out.

    ReplyDelete
  11. No, but I think with a few additions it might work. What I need is some emotional reaction. For example, "Paige stepped off the bus, heart dropping when she saw...." Obviously this is not the best example, but meant to illustrate what I found missing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No. I think I need the next sentence. It is a good sentence, I'm just missing...something.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No to the actual sentence structure as it is now (someone geting off the bus feels too common to really grab interest), but I think "Kathy’s beat-up Volvo was in the driveway again." might possibly work on its own.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No, this just feels too boring and everyday. It doesn't give any sense of character either.

    ReplyDelete
  15. No. Maybe if I had a sense of whether she was happy, sad, scared, whatever of Kathy and her Volvo, but, lacking that, all this is is a girl seeing a car.

    ReplyDelete
  16. No

    Nothing really grabbed me, though the writing was fine. This strikes me as maybe a first paragraph book, which some books just are

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yes- the fact that Kathy drives a beat-up Volvo says something about her, and I'm curious to know why her being there AGAIN means something.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Yes?

    Honestly, there's not a whole lot to go off from this one sentence, not really enough for me to give it a yes or a no. But the voice is good, so I'd keep reading to see what this becomes. Also, I wish you'd given us the genre as a bit more to go off of. YA is just an age group.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Basically everything Christine just said, especially the part about YA just being an age group (rather than a genre). :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Yes. 'Again' is the promising word. the next sentence or two would make or break this. First lines are hard!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Qualified yes. I liked the hint that Paige is dismayed to see Kathy's Volvo. I want to know why or what it foreshadows. But the set-up is a little on the mundane side.

    ReplyDelete
  22. No. Nothing to catch my interest.

    ReplyDelete
  23. No. I need to have a hint of why that beat up volvo matters to care.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No--I don't get the sense the story is beginning in the right place. What is significant about this day over every other day? Starting with the unusual is usually a great place to brainstorm a starting point, rather than stating what is normal, regular, not changed. Just some food for thought (cliche alert!).

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes
    I'm immediately wondering who Kathy is.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'd like it better if it were shorter, snappier. Maybe: Kathy’s beat-up Volvo sat in the driveway again.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Yes. The "again" at the end makes all the difference--makes me want to know why this is a regular thing.

    ReplyDelete
  28. No. I'm on the fence, but leaning toward no. Sorry. It's not intriguing enough.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Yes. It was close, but like Cynthiarox66 said, the "again" is what pushes it over.

    ReplyDelete
  30. No. Seems you could use a stronger way to say the car was there than "there was..." A visceral reaction to seeing it would up the stakes that are missing.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Almost. I like that the Volvo was beat-up, gives us an immediate sense of Kathy. But there is no reaction or sense of Paige in this sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  32. No. I didn't grab my attention.

    ReplyDelete
  33. No--Perhaps instead of saying Paige stepped off the bus, which is mundane, show Paige having a reaction to the car in the driveway, so we get a sense of whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. And 'again' is a pivotal word. Perhaps let it stand alone as it's own one word sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  34. No - it seems to be setting the scene, as far as I know as a reader at this point, there's nothing significant about the Volvo being in the drive.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Yes,I like the title and neighborhood details like school bus, garage and beat up. Probably could do with a tiny bit of spice like could you squeeze in a reaction from the protag? A sign, a sick feeling, a heartbeat....?

    ReplyDelete