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Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #40

TITLE: Our Lady of Fatima
GENRE: YA

Paige stepped off the school bus, and there was Kathy’s beat-up Volvo in the driveway again.

38 comments:

  1. No. There's nothing intriguing about this sentence. I realize we will probably see as we read on why this is ordinary detail is significant, but it doesn't stand out as a sentence opener.

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  2. No sorry, nothing interesting grabbed me.

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  3. No. There is nothing that intrigues me based on this sentence alone.

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  4. No. Nothing really grabbed me, maybe if there was some emotion connected to seeing Kathy's car in the driveway.

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  5. No. It's too passive - find a better verb than was. Maybe, Kathy's beat up Volvo littered the driveway.

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  6. No: On its own, nothing remarkable. I'd need her reaction for there to be enough conflict. To tell the truth, this feels like a first sentence that clearly depends on the following sentences, and there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you're confident with the rest of the paragraph.

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  7. No - I like where the story is going, so if it was tweaked a little, I would totally say yes! A better choice could be made for the first sentence, though.

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  8. No. I'm having trouble interpreting if the car in the driveway is good or bad.

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  9. Yes, when combined with the title which I love.

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  10. Yes, I like that we aren't sure what the car means yet. It makes me want to read more and find out.

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  11. No, but I think with a few additions it might work. What I need is some emotional reaction. For example, "Paige stepped off the bus, heart dropping when she saw...." Obviously this is not the best example, but meant to illustrate what I found missing.

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  12. No. I think I need the next sentence. It is a good sentence, I'm just missing...something.

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  13. No to the actual sentence structure as it is now (someone geting off the bus feels too common to really grab interest), but I think "Kathy’s beat-up Volvo was in the driveway again." might possibly work on its own.

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  14. No, this just feels too boring and everyday. It doesn't give any sense of character either.

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  15. No. Maybe if I had a sense of whether she was happy, sad, scared, whatever of Kathy and her Volvo, but, lacking that, all this is is a girl seeing a car.

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  16. No

    Nothing really grabbed me, though the writing was fine. This strikes me as maybe a first paragraph book, which some books just are

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  17. No (sorry!)

    Nothing grabbed me.

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  18. Yes- the fact that Kathy drives a beat-up Volvo says something about her, and I'm curious to know why her being there AGAIN means something.

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  19. Yes?

    Honestly, there's not a whole lot to go off from this one sentence, not really enough for me to give it a yes or a no. But the voice is good, so I'd keep reading to see what this becomes. Also, I wish you'd given us the genre as a bit more to go off of. YA is just an age group.

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  20. Basically everything Christine just said, especially the part about YA just being an age group (rather than a genre). :)

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  21. Yes. 'Again' is the promising word. the next sentence or two would make or break this. First lines are hard!

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  22. Qualified yes. I liked the hint that Paige is dismayed to see Kathy's Volvo. I want to know why or what it foreshadows. But the set-up is a little on the mundane side.

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  23. No. Nothing to catch my interest.

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  24. No. I need to have a hint of why that beat up volvo matters to care.

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  25. No--I don't get the sense the story is beginning in the right place. What is significant about this day over every other day? Starting with the unusual is usually a great place to brainstorm a starting point, rather than stating what is normal, regular, not changed. Just some food for thought (cliche alert!).

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  26. Yes
    I'm immediately wondering who Kathy is.

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  27. I'd like it better if it were shorter, snappier. Maybe: Kathy’s beat-up Volvo sat in the driveway again.

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  28. Not yet, but you're close.

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  29. Yes. The "again" at the end makes all the difference--makes me want to know why this is a regular thing.

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  30. No. I'm on the fence, but leaning toward no. Sorry. It's not intriguing enough.

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  31. Yes. It was close, but like Cynthiarox66 said, the "again" is what pushes it over.

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  32. No. Seems you could use a stronger way to say the car was there than "there was..." A visceral reaction to seeing it would up the stakes that are missing.

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  33. Almost. I like that the Volvo was beat-up, gives us an immediate sense of Kathy. But there is no reaction or sense of Paige in this sentence.

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  34. No. I didn't grab my attention.

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  35. No--Perhaps instead of saying Paige stepped off the bus, which is mundane, show Paige having a reaction to the car in the driveway, so we get a sense of whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. And 'again' is a pivotal word. Perhaps let it stand alone as it's own one word sentence.

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  36. No - it seems to be setting the scene, as far as I know as a reader at this point, there's nothing significant about the Volvo being in the drive.

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  37. Yes,I like the title and neighborhood details like school bus, garage and beat up. Probably could do with a tiny bit of spice like could you squeeze in a reaction from the protag? A sign, a sick feeling, a heartbeat....?

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