Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #49

TITLE: The Legend of Dan
GENRE: Paranormal

I am penniless, but I have treasure beyond imagination—treasure I didn’t believe existed, preserved in a place I believed in, but didn’t fully comprehend…until the Time of Abomination.

57 comments:

  1. No.

    I'm sorry but this sounded like I'm in for a lecture. Telling, instead of showing.

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  2. No. Mystery is good in that it propels the reader to want to read further, but this confuses rather than intrigues.

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  3. Would say yes, but only just. It was a bit confusing but I really liked the end line.

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  4. No overall. I liked it up to beyond imagination. After that it was kind of preachy.

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  5. No. It was a little abstract for me. I prefer to be more concretely grounded in an opening.

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  6. Unfortunately, no. :-/

    The sentence feels really long, and it feels problematic to include both an em dash *and* an ellipsis in it. Aside from the structural issues, it's confusing (specifically everything between the em dash and the ellipsis) and I agree with the first commenter about how it sounded a little lecture-ish ("but I have treasure beyond imagination").

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  7. No. The sentence is interrupted by both an em-dash and an ellipsis, is vague in its opening, and throws in world-specific jargon ("Time of Abomination"). All of these are off-putting, but exponentially so together.

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  8. No. This is a very long sentence. And it's more of a sound byte...like a movie promo. I would focus on less exposition and get right to the punch.

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  9. No. If it ended at "imagination" maybe a yes. It would have been more intriguing to me. As is it feels wordy...

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  10. No. Sorry, it somehow feels almost preachy to me.

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  11. No. Long, wordy and vague, and as someone else said, like we're in for a lecture.

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  12. No. It feels like the MC's being deliberately coy.

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  13. No: I'm not that invested in the treasure, and I had to reread a few times to get what the whole sentence was saying.

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  14. No, unfortunately. The voice comes across to me as scholarly, and the sentence itself is a bit too wordy.

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  15. No. The voice feels pompous and academic, lacking action or forward momentum. I expect it to go on with a "These, then, were the darkest of days..." sort of ponderous monologue. As others mentioned, the em-dash and ellipsis lengthen the sentence while slowing the pace. Using "believe" and "believed" so near each other seems to be meant to create a parallel, but instead it drags down the pacing.

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  16. No. It sounded like one of those inspirational quotes that will give you good luck if you share on your wall.

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  17. No. Super sorry but it's telling and vague. I want something to be happening, something intriguing. Some unknown treasure kept in an unknown place doesn't grab me. Also, the elipsis... of Abomination was almost comical.

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  18. No to the sentence as is which I find overly complex, but maybe Yes to just ""I am penniless, but I have treasure beyond imagination" which is an intriguing and powerful image.

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  19. No. Feels like a theme that's been done before, and 'Time of Abomination' just sounds a bit too stereotypical and over the top for me.

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  20. No. It's a bit wordy and seems to go on and on without really saying anything to really interest me until the last part "until the time of Abomination".

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  21. No. Just too much in one sentence.

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  22. No (sorry!)

    It just comes across as wordy, but doesn't really tell me anything.

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  23. No. Besides sounding repetitive, the sentence confused me.

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  24. Ditto Wade White's comment.

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  25. No. The sentence is long and confusing and didn't make me want to read on.

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  26. No. It was a little too long for me, and I'm personally not a huge fan of ellipses.

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  27. No. There's just so much going on here. It's like you are trying to tell the whole story in one sentence.I don't get a sense of who the MC really is.

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  28. No. I don't get a sense of the MC or the story.

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  29. No unfortunately, I was just left a little bit confused since it was too wordy. Felt like it was trying a bit too hard?

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  30. Yes--if the line ends at the dash. I think a shorter line creates more intrigue, and you can expand from there.

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  31. No. I can't follow this sentence. Our mc believes something, doesn't believe something, doesn't understand something... I'm a little lost.

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  32. No. Because upon reading this, my only reaction was, "Whaaaaaaaa?" Far too confusing for me.

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  33. No
    I immediately thought 'slow down'. Too much of an information dump.

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  34. No - I had to reread the sentence three times and I still didn't understand it.

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  35. Yes but I'd rework or cut the bit about the time of abomination.

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  36. No. It makes me think of a Vincent Price voiceover in a Roger Corman film.

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  37. No - too long for an opening sentence and was hard to follow.

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  38. No. Nothing compelling for me since I don't know what the Time of Abomination is, nor do I care yet.

    Very poetic style, but doesn't capture my interest.

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  39. No. Felt wordier than it needed to be.

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  40. No - too wordy. Sounds like you're trying to sum up the whole story in one sentence.

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  41. I would rewrite the first sentence this way: I am penniless, but I have treasure preserved in a place I didn't fully comprehend.
    I think it sounds more compelling without the extra words.

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  42. No. It doesn't really engage me as a reader and it seems jumbled to me. Not something I'd continue reading.

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  43. Sorry, but No. So many words, and yet, so vague.

    Unfortunately, this is how your sentence reads to me. Your narrator has no money. Your narrator has something better than money. Your narrator didn't believe the thing better than money was real. However, your narrator did believe the thing better than money was kept safe in a believable but not quite understandable location. Then, during an unspecified period of vileness, abhorrence, disgust? something will happen.

    You might be trying to draw in the reader with mystery, but in my opinion I think you need to focus on clarity. Show us specifics. Is it the treasure that's your hook? What is the treasure? Show it to us. Or, is it this event: the Time of Abomination? Describe it instead of just naming it, so we feel it.

    Think of it this way: All you need is one little sentence that drives your reader to sentence two.

    Hope this is helpful.

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  44. No, sorry. It was too long, and I started to skim in the middle.

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  45. No. To use a line from Amadeus, "too many notes".

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  46. No. Too many things that contradict themselves for me.

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  47. No. It was very confusing. There was too much information leading to too many questions.

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  48. No, but I disagree with many folks above: I love the word "abomination" and liked the punch it gave at the end of the sentence.

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  49. No--It's too vague and there is no context for her statement. Maybe start with some action at the time of the Abomination.

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  50. No, sorry. It feels too detached and vague for my tastes.

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  51. NO.
    TOO LONG. I got tired of trying to get to the point before I finished reading.

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  52. No. Too wordy and abstract for me.

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  53. No. I agree that it's too long.

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  54. Didn't pull me in.

    This sounds sinister, maybe even like a crazy person talking, but not in a fun way. I'm really not a fan of the ellipsis.

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