Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #17

GENRE: MG Contemporary

When his father's rope breaks on the job and sends him to the hospital, one-eyed twelve-year-old Declan Parker asks a candid neighbor girl and a recovering army veteran to help him save the family tree pruning business. In facing their challenges and fears together, this trio discovers that friendship is stronger than any climbing rope.


  1. I like this one a lot. You have the inciting incident, and interesting cast of characters, and a goal in 55 words. I particularly like how it circles back to the rope at the end. Nice job!

  2. Love the first two lines. Don't like the last. It's too "Meh, here comes the moral part." Maybe give a taste of what challenges and fears they face, and the doubt Declan might have about his decision or himself.

  3. Well done. I don't have any criticism. Sounds like a good read...
    Just Jill

  4. I think you could change the beginning to "When an accident lands his father in the hospital". We don't really need to know that a rope broke for the logline.

    The last line is cliche and doesn't tell us what they need to do to save the business. What kind of challenges and fears do they have and why are they hard to overcome?

    Good luck!

  5. You've got a misplaced modifier starting this one! (And an unclear pronoun, but from context I figure the dad goes to the hospital, not Declan.)

    I like the premise of this, especially for an MG--sounds like a cute story. I think you could definitely trim this down to a one-sentence logline!

  6. I found the first line hard to read. Perhaps simply the beginning to something like "After his father is hospitalized, Declan Parker . . ."

    Also, I find the last line too vague for my tastes. I'd rather know a specific fear or challenge he faces.

  7. I like Holly's suggestions for this one, especially to give specifics of what challenges and fears they face. You say "this trio" but in the short space of a logline, you probably only need to talk about Declan's challenges and fears. And if you shorten the beginning, you'll have the space for extra details.

  8. I agree with - When his father lands in the hospital. The last sentence is too vague. What are the challenges they face, and how do they overcome them?