Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #21

TITLE: Down Is Up
GENRE: Romance

Though a brutal attack leaves Lucie Gideon’s memory blank, her gift of foresight proclaims a future with a handsome stranger as clear as a promise. Hired-gun Greyson Ellicott’s solitary ways allow him to suppress his demons. Cracks in his façade have begun to give way, forcing memories to surface that he has killed to forget. Inescapably drawn to Lucie, who clearly envisions their lives intertwined, Grey must reclaim his humanity while operating at his deadliest if there’s any hope to save their love — and their lives.

13 comments:

  1. This is too long and I'm not really sure who the protagonist and antagonist are. You've got an interesting concept that needs to be boiled down. Take out some of the descriptions, such as clear as a promise...

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  2. Wow. This drew me in completely. I agree with Shelley that it's a wee bit too long but I love the concept and I actually liked the descriptive elements. Good luck.

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  3. "...that he has killed to forget." really drew me in. I think the premise of this one sounds amazing.

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  4. SO. HOOKED. I'd totally read on because I'd be desperate to find how how they actually get together! :)

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  5. Great title. Great premise. A bit long.

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  6. The first line is great, but I think the rest needs to show how these two characters were brought together and what the main driving plot point is. I know, not easy to do in such a short space! I would personally aim for one or two succinct sentences. Maybe show why Lucie and Gideon are working together, or how they met. I love the character detail, but what is the plot of the novel? What choice do the characters need to make and what's at stake if they choose wrong? I would be really specific.

    Maybe something like:

    Though a brutal attack leaves Lucie Gideon’s memory blank, her gift of foresight proclaims a future with a handsome stranger as clear as a promise. But Hired-gun Greyson Ellicott’s is used to working solo, and when [x =event, circumstance] brings them together, Grey must [reclaim his humanity=by doing what? name this specifically] while risking [x = you said their lives, how does this threaten their lives?].

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  7. Very intriguing! Assassin falls in love with clairvoyant? Yep, I'd read that.

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  8. There are a lot of words here, but few are actually being used to tell us the story. From what I can tell, Lucie wants to be with Greyson and Greyson wants to be with Lucie but this can't happen for some reason. Try to focus on the conflict they must overcome in order to be together and avoid vague cliches like "reclaim his humanity" and "suppress his demons" as these don't tell us anything specific. Finally, I know it's hard to write a double POV logline, but I think you need to try to focus on one character and use the other to show the goal and conflict. In romance, it's usually assumed that both characters have equal importance to the story.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  9. This is another one that would make a great film. I'm hooked.

    I am a little confused about whether Lucie has amnesia or cannot form new memories at all. I'm guessing she's an amnesiac clairvoyant, which makes more sense.

    I think the word "inescapably". I like the term "hired-gun". I think the last line is my favorite.

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  10. I love the first sentence. And would probably read this based on that alone. The second sentence lost me though. I think you need to focus on one POV and draw us in through Lucie.

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  11. This sounds like an interesting story, but it's buried under a mass of cliches. It will have more punch if you trade phrases like "cracks in his facade" for details about what and whom Greyson is fighting.

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  12. This is a lot of words but it doesn't say a whole lot. You're playing up the romance which is obvious in a romance. Who is Grey working for now? What is his assignment? How does he meet Lucie. What obstacle (physical) are they trying to conquer, and what stands in their way? What is the plot that drives the story?

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