Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #40

TITLE: MIGHTY MIKE AND THE ALIEN PEZ DISPENSER
GENRE: MG Sci-fi/Adventure

Eleven-year-old Mike daydreams of becoming superhero Mighty Mike. He meets a blue alien and volunteers to help with the extraterrestrial’s research by eating candies from an Alien Pez dispenser with superpower side effects. To become a real hero, Mike will have to save his friends from a four-armed, snout-faced alien wielding the Interstellar Remote Control of Everything.

24 comments:

  1. I love the alien Pez dispenser. This sounds like a fun story.

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  2. It sounds adorable.

    I'm not sure you need the first line though. Maybe just start it "Eleven-year-old Mike meets a blue alien..."

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  3. Luv2eatreadwrite/@jackiewellingtoOctober 1, 2013 at 10:44 AM


    I think it is too long and can be shortened. I am practicing writing loglines so I am rewriting the long ones as my practice. When I tried to rewrite this something was missing. Here goes:

    11-yr-old Mike teams up with a blue alien to battle a four-armed, snout-face alien and save his friends before it wields the Interstellar Remote Control of Everything ___________________

    *what will the Interstellar Remote Control of Everything do?



    DISCLAIMER: I am learning just like you. You do not have to use any of this. This is helping me to practice writing loglines. I hope it is okay

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  4. i agree with the others about tightening this up and giving us a sense of what's at stake or at risk from that remote control.

    Cheers
    Leo

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  5. Sounds like a really fun story! This definitely grabbed my attention, but I agree that it could be tightened. The last sentence is sounding great. I wonder if the first sentence could be cut and more of the stakes could be given?

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  6. I love this plot and all of the elements that will appeal to middle grade boy readers! You've given us who the main character is, what he wants, what the conflict is. I agree that you should also give us what will happen if Mike does not succeed. What will the Interstellar Remote Control of Everything do? Like the others, I think you should shorten this as a logline. The elements you eliminate could certainly be part of your pitch paragraph in a query. Good luck!

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  7. Sounds fun with a lot of creative details. I was left with the thought: OR...what happens if Mike doesn't save his friends? Why does the threat exist?

    I like the earlier commenter's suggestion to condense this into one line, or maybe two. The first two lines can merge, instead of saying he dreams of being a superhero, go right into him eating the candy and contracting with the alien. Then there's room to show why the threat exists and what will happen if Mike doesn't save his friends.

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  8. I love the pez dispenser and the remote. Great world building. I think the first line falls a little flat.

    Eleven y/o Mike's dreams come true when he meets a blue alien who can offer him superpowers just by eating from his alien pez dispenser. But to become a real hero, Mike will have to save his friends from a four-armed, snout-faced alien wielding the Interstellar Remote Control of Everything before it…

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  9. This is simply too long.

    MC=Mike
    II=eats alien Pez
    Conflict=Fight an alien
    Goal=Save his friends
    Consequences=become a real hero

    Cut out more of the cute though unnecessary stuff.
    o daydreams of becoming
    o volunteers to help

    e.g., When 11 year old Mike gains superpowers from eating alien Pez, he must defeat an evil alien to save his friends and become a real hero.

    This is not wonderful, but it gives you the idea. Once you have the basic statement, you can add a couple of interesting details. But a limited few.

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  10. I love the core ideas: alien Pez candy and an interstellar remote control! As a logline, my suggestion would be to condense it a bit by combining the concepts in the first and second sentence, and then give us something specific about the stakes. Does Mike save his friends to become a hero? Or does he become a hero by saving his friends? Is there an either/or? Save his friends or something dire happens?
    Good luck--sounds like fun!

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  11. This story sounds so fun. Immediately makes me think of Hitchhiker's Guide. Loves.

    Agree you could tighten. For me, it reads a bit choppy because it's missing connectors between the thoughts, and some of the details (like helping to research) aren't needed.

    Maybe something like this instead?

    Eleven-year-old Mike's daydreams of becoming a superhero turn to reality when a blue alien feeds him candies from an Alien Pez dispenser with superpower side effects. But to become a real hero, Mike will have to save his friends from a four-armed, snout-faced alien wielding the Interstellar Remote Control of Everything.

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  12. I love this! It sounds like such a fun read. I think you should cut the first line, though, and start off with meeting the alien.

    Good luck!

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  13. I hope this doesn't sound snarky, but PEZ is trademarked, and the company has litigated in the past over unauthorized use of "PEZ". Literary agents are (or should be) very aware of trademark issues, and no one wants to invite a lawsuit -- you may want to consider changing the candy name in your book.

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  14. Luv2eatreadwrite/@jackiewellingtoOctober 1, 2013 at 7:32 PM

    Make it ZEP! We can read between the lines :)

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  15. Ha ha! I second the suggestion of ZEP. That's too awesome.

    It's really hard to distill a multi-faceted story into a single logline (I'm still struggling myself). I think Margot's really pointed you in the right direction.

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  16. This sounds like fun, and I love how the 'Interstellar Remote Control of Everything' reminds me of Hitchhiker's. (Another big Douglas Adams fan here!)

    So although I'm also going to cast a vote for Margo being on the right track when it comes to condensing this into a much tighter logline, I'd still like to see the full name of the gadget included, even if does add a lot of words...!

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  17. Thank you all so much for your comments and suggestions! Sorry I didn't respond earlier, but I don't always have pc access on Tuesdays. You've given me a lot to work with. And yep, I do know that I wouldn't be able to use PEZ in the title, but lots of titles are working titles and get changed, so I'll be open to working out the solution - I'd sure love to get Pez on board, what fun marketing! But Zep is a fun direction too!

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  18. I like the idea behind the alien Pez dispenser, but I do agree with the other comments that it feels like you could condense your thoughts more to make room for some other details. A blue alien is cool and eating candies is fun, but I would want to understand how this is going to help the blue alien. I would also like to see a tidbit about why the alien is even in the story. Good luck! It sounds like a really creative idea.

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  19. I think the first two sentences could be combined into one. Aside from that, it feels like the friends come out of nowhere as does the snout-faced alien (and how is this alien related to the blue one? Are they all bad/danger for his friends?) Finally, the last few words "wielding..." aren't adding anything to this logline. We need tangible obstacles that will make it hard for him to save his friends (which means we need to know what he is saving them from and how this Pez dispenser will help or hinder this goal).

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  20. Yup, I'm late to the bandwagon, but I agree - it's fun and interesting and engaging, and too long and a bit disjointed.

    We need the conflict fast, and the fun details (blue alien, candy, superhero) should stay in there.

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  21. When 11 y.o. Mike meets an alien who offers him Superpower Pez, his dreams of becoming a real life super hero come to pass. But now, another alien (sounds too convenient. how did the first lead to the appearance of the second) and his Remote Control of Everything threaten the lives of his friends (and the world?). It'll take more than just his new powers for him to come to the rescue. I think "save his friends" can be drummed up. Higher stakes.

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  22. I love the premise and the Alein Pez dispenser. It shows creativity. Why is the alien there? Does the candy or does the dispenser give him super powers? I'd like to see more motivation for his actions than just wanting to be a super hero. How about starting this logline with an attack by the alien?

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  23. I thought what was missing here is the why. Why is the snout faced alien threatening his friends, and what will happen if Mike doesn't defeat him?

    Once you've worked all the info in, then play around with it to make it more concise.

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