Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Logline Critique Round 1 #9

TITLE: Letters to Disappointment
GENRE: Literary/Women's Fiction

It is 1939--hardly the age of compassionate care for the mentally compromised, yet Daisy Early's husband voluntarily commits himself to an asylum. It falls to Daisy to figure out what, or who, drove him to it.

11 comments:

  1. I like this a lot--it's short, but the plot is clear and the story sounds compelling.

    One nitpick: you should have a second em-dash instead of a comma after "compromised."

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  2. I like this too. I think you've got all the elements you need. Good job.

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  3. I like this as well. And it sounds JUST like something that would turn heads in an elevator (should you pitch this in an elevator, that is). Good job!

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  4. I don't understand her motivation. Her spouse checks him into an asylum and, rather than try to get him better, she decides to find out who drove him to go there? Why? You need to connect this to him getting better or getting out or we won't engage in her as a character. Finally, we need to know who/what is going to make this difficult and what she has to lose if she fails.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  5. It's a very intriguing beginning. By itself it's enough to make me want to know more, but Holly's comments make sense too. Also I agree with the em-dash comment. The structure made me pause.

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  6. Holly's comments make sense to me too, but I still liked this. I think it works as it stands. Maybe you could play around with a few more versions that consider Daisy's urge to get him out or help him through it.

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  7. I liked this a lot. The tone seems just right for literary fiction.

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  8. I like the mystery here. I'm definitely hooked. I could stand to get some small details about what Daisy is like or what trials she'll face with her husband out of the picture. For instance, uncovering this mystery would be further complicated if she was suddenly raising kids alone or keeping a farm running alone, that sort of thing. I think perhaps a few key descriptive words could make Daisy clearer and more compelling a character. Cool idea though.

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  9. I like the premise -- it's a solid literary idea, but to me it reads with a somewhat inconsistent tone. The beginning is somewhat breezy -- "hardly the age of," but the real tone of the story then seems much darker. I also second the comments regarding not really knowing the stakes. Simply giving us a word or two on her husband's previous condition and the state of their marriage would go a long way. "previously stable and loving husband," but with better words.

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  10. This is v good.Interesting setting. I think it's fine just the way it is. You could conceivably tack something on the end but I'd only do it if it added a real twist. If not, it might risk coming out sounding cliched and ruin something that really sounds different.

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