Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #13

GENRE: YA Contemporary

Seventeen-year-old MacKayla is reeling from the traumatic events that landed her miles from home in rural Alabama. Local heartthrob Beau could revitalize Mac's pre-college summer, but healing her broken family - herself included - will prove the more difficult challenge.


  1. What trauma has brought MacKayla to where she is at and what is she going to do about it? Don't let Beau steal her job of putting her life, which includes her broken family, back on track.
    Not so sure about this one.

  2. I think this would be a lot stronger if you said what the traumatic event was. As it stands, I don't know why MacKayla is reeling or how broken her family is.

    Something isn't quite right about the phrase "revitalize her... summer." Too anthropomorphic, maybe? I'd look for a different word there.

  3. This feels a bit vague and too been there, done that. I agree with the above- what's the trauma that brought her so far from home? Tell me something about the MC that will separate her from the rest and engage me with her plight.
    Good luck!

  4. I'm sorry but I don't know what this story is about except it has two people in it. It's to vague. Here is what I understood.

    Inciting Incident=Move to Alabama
    Goal=Healing family?

    You need to give the reader enough information to know what kind of story this is going to be.

  5. I read this twice and I still don't know what the story is about? What traumatic events? Is this a contemporary or is this a romance? How is she planning to heal her broken family? Are there any stakes?

  6. This feels like it could describe the plot of a lot of contemporary stories. Something bad happens. MC flees to a new place and meets a love interest. It's the specifics that will set your particular story apart and make it appealing. What was the bad thing? What must she do to heal herself and her family? What's in the way? Your logline is only 40 words now, so you have a bit of space for details.

    I'd also look out for cliches like "traumatic events." It's not only vague, it's tired. Be precise, and your story will feel fresh and exciting.

    A side note -- "revitalizing her pre-college summer" (which I assume means having a good time before she goes away to school) feels small and unimportant compared to healing broken people and relationships. Maybe drop that part?

  7. The beginning of this is really vague. What exactly has happened and how has that incited her to want something? And how will Beau make this more difficult because he is irrelevant if he is not part of her goal or conflict?

    Good luck!

  8. I think this could do with some more details. Could you cut the 'pre-college' bit and add in some details about what happened. Add the spark of what makes the story original and striking to the logline.