Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #2

TITLE: Truth seekers
GENRE: YA Fantasy

With two sides of a civil war wanting her dead, there's naught for 'Mary Snick' to do but take an assumed name and join the third side. They'll help her flee the country... if they don't figure out that doing so will sabotage their most important goals.


  1. Good premise, but it feels 'soft'- no real grab. Give me some more specific stakes, help me feel the imperative of Mary getting out.

  2. The three sides is a little confusing. What is the war about? Why would helping May leave the country sabotage their goals, and what will happen to her if she doesn't get out? It sounds like a great, complex plot that's not conducive to summary ;) . . . perhaps try writing it out explicitly first, however many words it takes, and then start tightening?

  3. The first line would be stronger if she chose to join third side. Aside from that, you need to be less vague about the conflict. Who is this third side and why are their goals going to prevent them from helping her? Finally, conflict needs to be real and as written, it sounds like maybe this third side won't help her.

    Good luck!

  4. I think this can be built upon pretty easily for a strong pitch. Areas where I see details could be added:

    - whose civil war? can you give a hint of fantasy here; are they factions, kingdoms, planets.
    - who is the third side, can you name them? rebel fighters, disinfranchised loyalists... something.
    - The last line might need to be nixed in favor of clarifying who "they" are and what their most important goals are. I'm a little torn on why Mary is fleeing if she has joined their side, or is she trying to join their side but must flee first?

  5. The part about three sides threw me at first. Why do two sides want her dead and why will helping her sabotage the third side's goals? What are their goals? I need real stakes with real consequences.

  6. I agree with the call for specifics. I think this would be an interesting story. I like the idea of somebody caught in a civil war, but if I had a hint of why people want her dead or how her escape would impede anyone's goals, I'd be more engaged.

  7. Why do they want her dead? You'd have a stronger hook if you told us what the stakes were.

  8. Thought this was too vague for me to get a good picture. Can you use a couple details? You might need a sense of place--with the civil war, as in , where or what are they fighting for? Just my suggestion. :)