Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #31

TITLE: The Paper Crane
GENRE: Women's Fiction

Single parent Kelly Tong has had enough. Her first boyfriend dumps her. The second one cheats. Disillusioned, she concentrates on her career to provide a comfortable life for her daughter—but temptation manifests in the form of her suave new boss.

Her sister Kirsten covets her childhood buddy. When he plans to marry someone else, Kirsten’s world crumbles into catastrophe. Her rival? An emerging pop princess. Sweet. Talented. Gorgeous. With advice from a self-declared Love Guru, Kirsten schemes to win the love of her life and vows to stop at nothing, even if she has to set the church on fire.


  1. This feels more like back cover copy than a logline. Too long. Maybe: Kirsten's new boss is the man of her dreams. When he plans to marry someone else,Kirsten schemes to win his love and vows to stop at nothing, even if she has to set the church on fire.

  2. I'm confused about who the main character is. In the first paragraph, you discuss Kelly and in the second paragraph Kirsten. If you focus on one protagonist and conflict, your logline will be shorter and more focused.

  3. Seconding the recommendation to stick to one character and one conflict for the logline. Or, if you really need to mention both sisters, find a way to combine their stories into 2-3 sentences and show how their goals are connected.

  4. I agree with the other commenters - it could stand to be shorter and if there are two different protagonists that share their stories equally try to find a way to interweave them in the logline, too. Good luck!

  5. This is good material for a query letter, but think a little more streamlined and big picture for a pitch; 1-3 sentences.

    Is this book dual POV with Kelly and her sister? If so, then probably one succinct line per character that includes their own journeys, and then maybe a third line about how those stories thread together.

    If the book is one POV, I would focus the pitch on that person. Single parent Kelly Tong is tempted by her suave new [company/industry] boss, but [what is the risk if she falls for him?] If Kristen is a secondary character then we don't need her character arc in the pitch, though hers does sound interesting. And oh my gosh, setting a church on fire?!

  6. You need to state how these POVs come together. Saying that the two characters are sisters isn't enough. This feels like you're pitching two novels.

  7. ....is this one or two? If this is one logline, you need to connect these people somehow, and make it far shorter.

  8. Thank you for all your comments.

    My book has multiple protagonists (POVs), THREE to be exact.

    I'm not sure if we're allowed to post up revisions... But would these be better:


    When single parent Kelly Tong succumbs to the charms of her suave new boss, much to the anguish of her teenage daughter, kooky sister, and estranged father, Kelly must prevent her scandalous reputation from destroying her budding career and find ways to mend familial ties.

    Single parent Kelly Tong juggles time for her frustrated daughter and demanding career, while trying to resist the charms of her suave new boss with a hidden agenda. Her sister Kirsten schemes to win over her childhood buddy before he marries someone else and vows to stop at nothing.

  9. I think you need to focus on one of these unless you can find a way to intermingle them (and I hope you can since they shouldn't be in the same book if they aren't related).

    The second blurb is definitely the strongest. If you want to keep the first one, we need more information on the conflict and stakes.

    Good luck!