Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #6

TITLE: Jill Norris: Therapist of the Damned
GENRE: Supernatural Adult

Early career psychologist, Jill Norris, is floundering – personally and professionally – until she gets a new patient who just so happens to be undead. Jill quickly finds her hands full – learning how to do therapy with supernatural clients and trying to keep her normal human colleagues in the dark about what’s really going on at the Wellspring Therapeutic Group after sundown. But when her patient’s badass ex-boyfriend launches an attack on the vamps in Unionville, a small town in Connecticut, Jill finds herself fighting a whole new battle – a battle to save her job, her patients, and her life.


  1. Your premise is interesting, but your presentation is long. Leave out everything between the first and the last line and I think you've got a dynamite pitch.

  2. Sounds like a fun book. I think your log line is a bit clunky. For example, instead of saying, "she gets a new patient who just so happens to be undead," maybe try, " she gets a new patient who is undead."

    Also, and I'm not sure if this belongs in the log line, but I'm wondering how it is she quickly finds her hands full. But maybe that's good because now I have to read the book to find out the answer.

  3. Just glancing at the logline it seems a little long, though the title was definitely intriguing. I think you explain the novel well and in an interesting way, it is just too wordy for a logline, I think. Instead just focus on the essentials – like the first sentence: doesn’t really matter that Jill is floundering or that she suddenly gets an undead patient. It might be better Jill, a psychologist to the undead, finds her practice threatened when vamp’s ex-boyfriend goes after her patients. Is that even helpful? I could be giving you the same bad advice I used for my own logline… ☺
    By the way, if this is what it seems – trying to help/save the vampires, instead of hunting them – I think that’s awesome and a great twist on the typical vampire trope.

  4. This reads more like back copy to me than a logline. It's too long,some of the sentences are a bit clunky and there are too many details. Maybe like this:

    Career psychologist, Jill Norris, is floundering, personally and professionally, until she starts treating the undead. Now she's learning to do therapy with supernatural clients and trying to keep her human colleagues in the dark. When her patient's bad-ass boyfriend launches an attack on the local vamps, Jill finds herself fighting to save her job, her patients, and her life.

    I don't know. That still seems like too many words.

  5. Definitely too long. I think the idea of a therapist who treats supernatural beings is fascinating, but one look at the entry, before I'd even read it, and I felt overwhelmed. That's not what you want agents to feel.

    Once I actually read it, I saw that you need to weed out the unnecessary stuff and phrase what's left in the most concise way possible. Chelle's rewrite is a big step in the right direction.

    I find that every time I read my logline (or my query letter or even my manuscript), I find a word I can cut or a simpler way to say something that I hadn't thought of when I wrote it or the last time I read it. So maybe the key is to give yourself more time. Let it lie fallow for a day or two and read it again with fresh eyes. Repeat until you can't find another word to cut or change.

  6. The conflict here doesn't sound like it's connected to the goal (which is a little unclear). Also, you need to make this whole thing more personal to your main character. Why does SHE need to do this and what does SHE have to lose?

    Good luck!