Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #8

GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

Sixteen-year-old class president Kenzie Moriarty plans to throw the test that determines which of the sisters will be the Fate cutting people’s life-threads. None of the girls want to spend thousands of years ending people’s lives, but the life hanging by a thread isn’t at all what they expected.


  1. Premise sounds interesting but confusing. I'd like some more specifics and higher stakes.

  2. I'm quite confused as well. There are traditionally three Fates--yet the "class president" implies that many students are involved in this, unless Kenzie is (secretly?) a Fate? Is "the sisters" referring to her sisters? Will the other two become the other two Fates, is this just to determine who plays the Atropos role?

  3. the first sentence threw me a little because the fantasy element seemed to come out of nowhere so I had to backtrack and reread the sentence a couple of times to figure out what was going on. As for the second sentence I’m still a little confused – is Kenzie going to be one of the Fates? Are you talking about her and her sisters or the Fate sisters? Does that make sense? Overall, I think the concept is super interesting, I looooove urban fantasyT

  4. Agreed. Confused because I thought it was a normal school story.

    Then the phrase "but the life hanging by a thread" read awkwardly. I wonder if you need 'the', or whose life is going to be hanging by a thread.

    But, as said above, the concept sounds really interesting.

  5. Agreed. Confused. I need a lot less vague and lot more specific. None of the girls? Are we talking about Kenzie and her sisters? And what about the life hanging by a thread? Huh? Whose life? They take a test to determine who become a Fate? Why wouldn't everybody try to fail on purpose? I don't think trying to fail the test needs to be in your logline. Tell me who Kenzie is, tell me what a Fate is and give me some stakes.

  6. My first Q is whether it's necessary to say Kenzie is the class president? The word throw well, threw me :) since it's technically OK but I think overthrow or upturn might be better to show she is not in support of it. Who are the sisters, her sisters?

    It gets tricky when regular words are capitalized since it hints at a larger meaning but we don't know what that is yet. Instead of "Fate" can you explain what that means, such as "which of the sisters will be the chosen one to cut life-threads." That still leaves quite a few questions but it's a little more clear.

    For the last line, it seems the sentiment is this chosen profession is not enviable. The last part with the cliche of hanging by a thread doesn't really explain the stakes. Can you instead explain what it means to be chosen, and what is at risk if the girls decide they want to overthrow this mysterious process? Will they die, will the world collapse?

    It's tough to say too much more since I don't know the story, but hopefully the feedback in the comments will provide direction. :)

  7. So everything here up to the "but" is her motivation and her goal which is good but I think it will be stronger as one sentence. After that, you need to get rid of the vague stuff and tell us why throwing the test is going to be hard and what she personally has to lose if she doesn't succeed.

    Good luck!