Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #20

GENRE: YA Fantasy

Eighteen year old Rosaline is determined to collect the reward for returning a reluctant prince to his throne, but when a sorcerer from her past resurfaces, she's thrust back into the treacherous game they started years before. If Rosaline can't win this time around, it's not just her life in danger, but the future of whole realm.


  1. A quick typo thing - shouldn't it be at the end "but the future of the whole realm"?

    Everything else flows nicely except I think I'd like a little more hint as to what is involved in this treacherous game - what does he want from Rosaline?

    Otherwise, good job!!

  2. I agree with J.A. Ward on wanting something a little more specific in the line about the treacherous game. I was drawn in on the first line and got this image of a girl dragging a prince back to his throne kicking and screaming, which was fun. ^_^

  3. I love the premise! "Treacherous game" is a bit vague, so I think this will be a stronger logline if you can give more detail.

  4. The stakes are certainly high, but it sounds like two different stories, that is, one about Rosaline returning a prince and one about her facing a sorcerer form her past. it's not clear how (or even if) the two are connected.

  5. I think this is pretty good! I also wonder about the treacherous game, if it would expand with some specifics. I also wonder how the prince fits in with the rest, but you have a wonderful start here!

  6. I don't understand how the beginning of this matters. Does this treacherous game have something to do with this prince and her desire to collect the reward? Also, what does "winning" look like and what does "the future of the whole realm" mean? Will her whole country be killed? Does this include the prince?

    Good luck!

  7. I’m a little confused. First, what is the treacherous game they started years before? Needs specifics. Second, the sorcerer from her past and his game seem to sweep away Rosaline’s goal of returning the prince to his throne. The goal and the prince are never mentioned again. If they’re tied in to the stakes or the consequences, show us how. If they aren’t, drop them from the logline and tell us more about the game and the danger the realm is facing. That part was kinda vague and could be fleshed out.