Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #33

TITLE: Wired for Wall Street
GENRE: Women's Fiction

Adelaide Turner’s an electrician from South Philly who scammed her way into a job at Wall Street’s richest bank. When she comes clean, she’s given one shot to prove herself – problem is her client’s dirty and unless she can break into a warehouse in Switzerland and collect evidence to put him behind bars, she’s the one taking the fall – six feet under.


  1. I'm a little confused about who she's proving herself to. The client that she's trying to find evidence against? The police?

    Otherwise, it sounds interesting.

  2. This sounds very plot-driven, and really sounds more "thriller" than "WF." What I don't see in here is the character arc...that said, it's definitely got great hook potential. My specific thoughts:

    1. You don't need her name--"An electrician from South Philly scams her way into..." works just fine and doesn't ask us to remember her name.

    2. I would drop "when she comes clean;" the "one shot" tells me that one way or another, she's been found out and that's all that matters for the logline.

    3. I went through a whole series of misinterpretations based on the second sentence. I first thought "the client" was the same as "the bank," so that made me want clarity about what exactly her job is. I think that would add unnecessary complexity, but the way it's worded now it caused me some confusion.

    Then I realized she's resorting to illegal activity because for some reason the client has decided s/he wants her dead. But I don't know why, and I think that be important.

    Hope that's helpful! Good luck!

  3. Why did she come clean? Guilt? She got busted? And how does proving her client is dirty help her? And how would failing to acquire the proof result in her death?

    And, I agree this sounds more like a thriller than women's fiction.

    Sound promising and something I'd read.

  4. Confused, why would an electrician want a job on Wall Street? I don’t understand how proving herself has to do with her dirty client. This sounds promising. I like reading about women in a man’s job. Would love to see a rewrite of this.

  5. I think the electrician from South Philly part could work, though just saying that she scammed her way into the job could work on its own--that's the key, is that she scammed her way in. I also thought this sounded more thriller than women's fiction. Female leads in thrillers exist; based on this, I don't get a Women's Fic vibe other than the protagonist is a woman.

  6. The only thing I can add--from a banking perspective--is that if this scammer was caught by the bank, she was escorted out of the building within minutes. I don't believe she got a shot at proving herself. Maybe it's more like a snitch/plea deal?

  7. I really lik the underlying setup. I haven't to many stories about sneaky electricians. Still, I think this could be condensed. For example:

    "When an electrician from South Philly scams her way into a job at Wall Street’s richest bankand gets caught, she’s given one shot to prove herself...."

    Or something along those lines.

    I'm also left wondering what her main goal is and how it fits with scamming her way itno a bank and then trying to keep the job after she's been caught.

  8. My first question is, does she WANT to keep this job on Wall Street because it sounds like this is her goal although you never actual state this. If so, what does she need to do with this one shot and why does it require proving her client is dirty even if she has to risk her life to do it? Your goal has to outweigh the stakes at some point and I don't see how a job on Wall Street is worth her life.

    Good luck!