Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #38

TITLE: Nika of the East
GENRE: Middle Grade

To avoid her future of becoming Wicked, a young witch tries to right wrongs and stop a deadly fire from consuming Oz.


  1. Is wicked capitalized for a reason? Like a title of some sort? If it is then maybe
    To avoid her future as a Wicked.

  2. I think this would be better if you gave more details. What kind of wrong is she trying to right? And maybe "To avoid [a wicked] future" would be a better opening.

  3. This one sounds cool, but I would avoid the capitalized Wicked because then it makes me think of the other book and I'm left wondering if this idea is original. (Which I'm sure it is.) I also think there could be a few more details in here. How does Nika know she's destined to be wicked? What sort of wrong?

    Just a little more specificity will make this pop.

  4. Agree with AG Carpenter. I'm sure your idea is original, but the way it sounds, it seems like its piggy-backing on the recent Oz stories stage & screen.

    Help me see how yours is different (other than age group).

  5. Another "what she said" to A.G. Carpenter. I also wondered how she knew her future, but frankly this is pretty interesting as a hook, and you don't want to clutter it up too much.

  6. I agree that ditching the "Wicked" and explaining what that means will show the setting and stakes more; what does it mean in the story to become Wicked? Then, which wrongs is the character trying to write, and what is her name?

    Maybe something like:
    To avoid [name what Wicked is/does], [character name + age] [name what they do to to fix what's wrong] to stop deadly fire from consuming Oz, or [what will happen if she doesn't, besides the obvious town burning--will they all cease to exist?]

  7. Oz made me immediately think of Dorothy. It's too well known and probaby not where you want poeple to go.

    Also not clear on how how her actions of righting wrongs and stopping a fire have anything to do with avoiding becoming Wicked (whatever that is).

  8. First, MG is not a genre, it's an age range so you would want to say MG Fantasy (which is what this sounds like).

    Also, for me this is a bit too short and doesn't give enough detail. For example, it would be good to actually say the age of the girl instead of just "a young witch" and "right wrongs" is a little vague - give us specifics.

    I don't love the word "avoid" here, I think maybe "prevent" or "escape" would be a better fit and I don't think you need the words "her future" either.

    And the fact that you mention Oz would lead me to believe this story has some relationship to The Wizard of Oz, so if that is the case, I think you would want to mention it in the logline.

    Good luck!

  9. I think "right wrongs" should be more specific. What does she actually try to do? Also, does anyone try to stop her from doing this? And how does she actually avoid her future? Does she need to do X good deeds and stop and fire and she's done? This needs to be a tangible goal and it's a little vague.

    Good luck!

  10. I also agree that the capitalization of 'Wicked' is puzzling, but my main concern is whether this is really meant to be set in L. Frank Baum's Oz. (Unless you mean Australia instead!) ;)

    There were several other writers who continued Baum's series after he passed on (most of their books are not as good as his, though), but I assume they had some kind of arrangement with his estate to be able to write stories set in his world, using his characters.

    And even if a well-known imaginary place like the Land of Oz is essentially in the public domain these days, I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to create your own world instead. So if there's a reason the story has to take place in Oz, I think that needs to be clear.

    Of course Gregory McGuire's books are set in Oz, but as a form of satire where he changes everything around--and I'd think trying to do something similar would be problematic, since he's already done it so successfully.

    And come to think of it, I doubt anyone could write a good logline for Wicked without making it quite obvious that it's a satirical version of The Wizard of Oz!