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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

January Secret Agent #20

TITLE: The Serenity Killer
GENRE: YA psychological thriller

I will die in seventy-eight years, three months, and two days, surrounded by people I love. At least I assume I love them. I haven’t met them yet, so it’s hard to say for sure, but I do know that ninety-four years is a long time to live. Not everyone is this lucky. In fact, most people are not.

“Haley,” my mom says as she sets a glass of orange juice down in front of me. “Have you heard a single word I’ve said to you?”

With wide eyes, I glance up. “Um…” This is the part where I should continue talking, but I know I won’t win any points by telling her I was pondering my own mortality. Like most people, my mom tends to frown upon the discussion of death before breakfast, so I say nothing as usual.

She narrows her eyes and stares at me as if she’s trying to access my mind. “What’s going on with you?”

Well, for starters, I’m a freak, but since this answer is also among the taboo subjects of breakfast table topics, I opt for action instead of words. I roll my eyes at her. This seems kinder than telling her I witness her death almost every day. At least, it’s kinder to me, because I want to discuss her death even less than I want to see it. And, because no righteous deed goes unpunished, my silence elicits one of her award winning sighs.

8 comments:

  1. Your voice is spot on. Love the humor. The prose is seamless. Definitely want to read the rest of this. I wish the bot would've have let all these awesome entries in. I'm not going to have a chance! :)

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  2. I also like the voice here. I'm curious how she knows her death date, and would read on to find out. It did make me think paranormal or sci-fi rather than thriller, but I'm possibly over-thinking! I'm also curious how she witnesses death every day and her mother doesn't know.

    While the writing is sufficient, there is a cliche slant to this opening; it's not as obvious as waking up and looking in the mirror, but I've seen a lot of YA contemporaries begin with getting breakfast and starting the day. Just something to consider regarding crafting a dynamic opening. If there is another spot that might show character interaction that is a little more engaging than kitchen stuff.

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  3. Your voice here is excellent. The opening is great and I'm immediately hooked. I agree with previous comment about opening your story in bed and waking up. You could convey the same thing with your MC skipping breakfast and throwing attitude while she/he is on their way out the door to school or to hang out with their friends. Otherwise, I'd totally read this.

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  4. Good hook with the first sentence. How does she know that she'll die at this particular time? I need to know.

    I like the previous suggestion about throwing attitude out the front door to skip the breakfast thing.

    I love that she calls herself a freak, but then the paragraph is slowed by describing her reaction to her mom before going back to why she thinks she's a freak, and then back to her reaction. Maybe keep them separate and it'll flow better.

    I'm intrigued by her visions and want to know more. Good luck!

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  5. I meant: to throw attitude as she's going out the door. Sorry.

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  6. Love the voice! I would definitely keep reading.

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  7. A really interesting premise here - a girl who can see other people's deaths. But the telling aspect waters it down a lot. Perhaps consider showing us the vision she has of her Mom's death and how it affects her. It could make a much stronger opening than having breakfast and running off to school.

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  8. I really like the voice and humor here. The writing flows nicely and pulled me right into the story. I'd read on.

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