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Friday, May 29, 2015

Friday Fricassee

One morning a year or so ago, another gal and I decided to go out for breakfast.  I parked right by the entrance of the restaurant, and when I opened my door, it swung* too far, lodging itself into the seat of the fancy-schmancy motor cycle parked beside me.

Panic ate at me for a few seconds.  Then I (sort of) calmly and (very) gently lifted the bike slightly from its tilted position, and was able to close my car door without having done any damage to the bike.

Disaster averted, right?

We walked into the restaurant and asked for a table for two.  Before I had a chance to follow the hostess to our seats, a short, well-groomed man approached me.

"Would you come with me to take a look at my bike, and make sure there isn't any damage?"

I stared.  "What?"

"My bike.  I saw what happened."

You know that creeping skin feeling that starts to happen when a weird confrontation begins?  I went there in exactly two heartbeats.  "I didn't damage your bike."

His tone pushed the outer limits of condescension.  "I saw it move."

"That's because I lifted it so I wouldn't damage it when I closed my door!"

He was quietly insistent, though, so I followed him out to the parking lot, where he examined his bike as though it were a living being.  Then he straightened.

"Okay, it's fine."

And he walked away.

This is the point at which, if this were fiction, the main character would say something amazing.

Since this day, I have replayed what I should have said after he saw that, true to my word, I hadn't made a mark on his precious bike.  He was supercilious ("I'm right and you're probably lying."), disrespectful (assuming I was the kind of person who would damage someone else's vehicle and not say anything), and self-absorbed (no apology for intercepting me as I was about to be seated at a restaurant).  I mean, seriously.  If he was afraid I'd damaged his bike, he could have checked it himself.  You know, discreetly.  I was right there in the restaurant; it's not like he would have had to do a trace on my license plate to find me.

I was angry about this for months.  Created scathing responses and allowed my imaginary self to deliver the lines with well-oiled proficiency.

Alas.  I'd been confronted by Superjerk, and I failed at the applause-inducing retort.

And this is one of the reasons that writing fiction is so satisfying.  We can create a tense scene, and in the midst of unspeakable jerkness or danger or idiocy or mayhem, we can WRITE THE PERFECT RESPONSE for our main character.  And readers will cheer and swoon.

Of course, we rarely get this right the first time.  We may not even think of that perfect response while we are drafting.  But, unlike real life, we get to go back and edit it.  And that's how the magic happens--behind the scenes, with much deleting and rewriting and tweaking and polishing.

Oh, that real life worked this way.

But this is one of the reasons that fiction elevates us, yes?  It draws us into situations in which our hero or heroine really does rise to the top--really does say or do exactly what you wish you would do if you were in the same circumstance.

Perfect one-liners.  Hot zingers.  Profound wisdom in five or six pithy words.  That's the dream.  That's the beauty of fictional characters.  They're real--so, so real, or else no one will believe in them--but they're also larger than life.

If they weren't, we wouldn't root for them.  We wouldn't carry them in our hearts for the entire three or four or five hundred pages of a novel.

One day, I'll write Mr. Motorcycle Jerkface into one of my novels, and I'll give him the tongue-lashing he deserves.  It'll be brilliant.  And I'll finally lay this ridiculous life scene to rest.

Because writing is cathartic.  But that's an entirely new post.

Happy weekend!



*At first, I typed "swang", and Blogger didn't like it.  So I looked up the simple past tense of "to swing", and, lo and behold, "swung" is considered acceptable now.  It sounds utterly wrong in my ear, but there you have it.

**Edited to add: I should have made it clear that this dude was not a "biker" in the biker sense.  He was a well-dressed, obviously affluent man wearing casual-dressy clothes, and the bike was clearly his "baby".  I have a dear friend who is an honest-to-goodness, hard core, scary-looking biker dude, and I can assure you that he would never speak to someone the way this dude spoke to me.

23 comments:

  1. I love this! I often joke with my book friends (who are mainly online friends) that I'm not as witty and cool in person ;)

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  2. I'm with you on the lack of witty timing in real life caught-off-guard scenarios! So frustrating! However, in this case, I have to say, the motorcycle man did the right thing. He doesn't know you or your character, and if you hit his bike and he was worried about possible damage, he should most definitely go look at it with you being present. Your defensiveness probably put him more on edge, when you could have taken a more humble/apologetic approach to defuse the situation. In fact, he might have been wondering why that rude lady who hit his bike didn't even bother to apologize. Lol! I think you can safely let this one go. ;)

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    1. You know, you make an excellent point here. I was just so completely flabbergasted because HE WAS SO INCREDIBLY CONCEITED AND CONDESCENDING. If you think someone has damaged your vehicle, then it's best to approach that person humbly and apologetically, as in, "I'm sure it's nothing, but would you mind coming out and looking at this with me?" Because, otherwise, you come off sounding accusatory, which is exactly how he came off.

      I have seriously not met many people in my life as bumptious and rude as this guy. And in the end, when he saw that there was, indeed, not a scratch on his bike, he did not apologize OR thank me for my time.

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    2. Oh, I have no doubt that he was total jerk! His precious bike was at stake! I probably would have responded just as defensively as you did. ;) But you gain a bit of perspective when you look back on it, is what I mean. Understanding people, gaining empathy for even the biggest jerks in the world... That's the reason I read, the reason why reading is so important for society. It's also the reason I write. I love putting big jerks in my mss, and then slowly changing the reader's mind about them. Gary D. Schmidt is the master at this.

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    3. I'm pretty sure I'd love to have coffee with you some time. :)

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    4. Yes, but not at a motorcycle bar, ok? ;)

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  3. I'm with the biker on this. You potentially damaged his bike and it sounds like he was respectful about checking it out with you rather than others who might have flown into a rage. You potentially damaged it and walked away. I would have found the biker and told him what happened so we could inspect it together. If I mess up, I try to dot he right thing and accept responsibility.

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    1. He was not polite, Dottie. He was condescending and pushy. There was no reason to "find the biker" because I DID inspect the bike before walking into the restaurant -- I would never walk away from damage that I inflicted. And there was no damage. Not the slightest scratch. So there was no reason for me to worry about it any further.

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  4. Seems like you should have apologized to him not the other way around

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    1. Apologize for what? Nothing happened to his bike!

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  5. Oh, honestly. If you take your car or bike out of the garage and drive it around you can assume that somewhere along the line someone will bump into it. Don't want to take the risk? Don't drive. Last November someone ran a stop sign and totaled my minivan. My daughter and I walked away. And that's ALL that matters.

    Sorry you were put in that position, but that's definitely a story that belongs in a novel! And your character will have the PERFECT comeback. :)

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  6. That said, if I did scratch someone's car or bike I would leave a note, and I'm sure Authoress would have too.

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  7. This guy did not need to come find you personally before he checked out his bike. He should have checked it and then addressed you if he saw damage. He probably wanted you to fall all over yourself to apologize for having the temerity to come within a foot of his bike. I was once backing out of a parking spot where a line of traffic was waiting. A guy in a convertible threw a nutty because I backed out near him. I did not hit his car. I did not so much as tap, scrape, or breathe on his car, but he was furious i had "endangered" his car. He screamed at me until the light changed and he was forced to drive off. I was so upset I could barely drive home. I get it. Completely.

    Although your story would make a decent a 'meet cute' for a romance novel.

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    1. Yes, you DO get it! And I'm sorry you had that experience. That was the spirit this guy had, too. He probably paid a gajillion dollars for the bike, and I had DARED to MOVE it. He gave me no benefit of the doubt at all -- none. And there I was, taking extra care to NOT damage his bike.

      Wouldn't want a "meet cute" with the turkey and his bike. LOL I can really feel your pain with that nut's verbal abuse, though. It's like being emotionally raped. *hugs*

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  8. Honestly I also am with the biker on this one. He saw you swing your door into his bike and then carry on with your day. He doesn't know you, and at this point he doesn't know if any damage has been done to his bike. I think he handled it properly by approaching you, and asking you to go check it with him. This protects both of you. I don't see why he has to approach you humbly and apologetically either. You did hit his bike right? I think you should have apologized to him rather than act all entitled and outraged. I love you, Authoress, but this just makes no sense to me.

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    1. I meant "offended" not "entitled" lol. Sorry.

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    2. I love your unconditional love. :)

      Actually, he didn't handle it appropriately at all; he was arrogant and talked to me as if I were a wayward child. I didn't "hit" his bike: my door swung open and got "stuck" on the padding of the bike seat. I carefully lifted the bike so that I could close my door without damaging his bike. Obviously I didn't write this clearly enough, since so many people are misunderstanding. Writer error!!

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    3. Okay, I was a little confused by "entitled". :)))

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  9. Wow. I'm a little baffled here. You seem like a genuinely kind and thoughtful person, but I think you're lacking some self awareness in this situation. The biker made a reasonable request, and you turned it into a confrontation. By your own account, his initial approach was not rude at all, but your response (as written by you) was rude and defensive. (How do you not see that? His tone doesn't "push the outer limits of condescension" until after you get defensive in "exactly two heartbeats.") Think how differently it would have gone if you had simply apologized and handled the situation with politeness and tact? Odds are he would have responded likewise upon discovering no damage, and you both would have thought nothing more of it. The reason he didn't apologize for interrupting you (as you put it), is because you were being rude even though you were in the wrong. Honestly, you still sound defensive, a year later, and with absolutely no cause. Just trying to give you some perspective.

    (And YES, of course we should apologize when we hit someone's property, whether or not damage is involved--this is something we learn as toddlers.)

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    1. It's obvious to me (because of all the confusion) that I didn't take the time to write the story well enough, and I was admittedly in a rush when I wrote it. There was nothing reasonable or even remotely normal about the way this guy approached me. He was rude, arrogant, and he spoke to me as if I were 5 years old. He didn't "ask" me anything -- he basically told me to come with him to look at the bike. He didn't say "excuse me" or "pardon me" -- he just intercepted me and told me I needed to come outside with him.

      At any rate, it was just a personal anecdote to lead into what I wanted to say about fictional characters. It's not like I sit around stewing about this anymore. One of the reasons I cut the story so short was that I realized I no longer clearly remembered the conversation, and I don't like being inaccurate. Had I been able to share the whole thing, you'd see that he was far from "reasonable".

      A few months ago, my husband accidentally swiped a truck in the parking lot of the farmer's market, and made a few light marks on it. The truck happened to belong to one of the vendors, so we walked through the market until we found her stand, and then we told her what had happened. She walked back to the cars with us, and we chatted lightly all the way. She inspected the marks, said it was no big deal, and thanked us for being honest. So you see, I really do know how to deal with stuff like this.

      (Also? I didn't "hit" his bike. My door swung open and got "stuck" on the squooshy part of his bike seat. So I carefully lifted the bike from its kick stand so that I could close the door without damaging his bike. I was successful. He saw me moving the bike and assumed I had hit it. So when I walked in, he announced that I needed to come outside with him. Didn't ask -- just announced that that's what I needed to do. And that is why I stared at him. Pretty sure you would have stared, too!)

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