Monday, July 27, 2015

Tense Change Challenge #2

TITLE: Prime Vector
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

This is the second chapter, introducing the girl MC. MS is dual POV. I recently changed my MS from present tense, third person, to past, third. I wonder, if I should go a step further and change it to first person, past tense.

THIRD PERSON PAST (original):

City of Phoenicis, Mars
Year 2148

The Phoenicis skyline of glass, steel, and marble stone stood in the distance, scraping the crimson sky. Fifty stories up, the iron rails weaved a path throughout the city, going over and around the buildings. A few scattered, perfectly white and puffy clouds moved across, and out of her line of sight. Tomorrow was a scheduled rain day.

Catita sprinted toward the city center, wilted amaranth flowers and gravel crunched under her running boots. “Hey, watch it!” Catita swung at the small aircraft, buzzing around her like a honeybee, a curfew drone patrolling the city. Its shiny, white body had four pairs of red eyes, and dangly legs that made it look like an oversized, mechanical spider. When it finished the scan, it took off, missing the passing train car by inches. The stupid things are a menace.

She ran to Old Main Street, then took a left at the end of the block. When she reached her street, she stopped outside the small art gallery across from her building to catch her breath. Soft piano notes poured out onto the street from somewhere overhead. Sensing movement, the shop window displayed pre-recorded ads. Catita watched as she stretched her hamstring, then her arms.

The sequence ended with a still image of a woman, with her hair pulled back in a tight bun, bright red lips, and in a dark business suit. She looked elegant, sipping from a steaming espresso cup.

FIRST PERSON PAST:

City of Phoenicis, Mars
Year 2148

The Phoenicis skyline of glass, steel, and marble stone stood in the distance, scraping the crimson sky. Fifty stories up, the iron rails weaved a path throughout the city, going over and around the buildings. A few scattered, perfectly white and puffy clouds moved across and out of my line of sight. Tomorrow was a scheduled rain day.

I sprinted toward the city center, wilted amaranth flowers and gravel crunching under my running boots. “Hey, watch it!” I swung at the small aircraft buzzing around me like a honeybee, a curfew drone patrolling the city. Its shiny, white body had four pairs of red eyes and dangly legs that made it look like an oversized, mechanical spider. When it finished the scan, it took off, missing the passing train car by inches. The stupid things were a menace.

I ran to Old Main Street, then took a left at the end of the block. When I reached my street, I stopped outside the small art gallery across from my building to catch my breath. Soft piano notes poured out onto the street from somewhere overhead. Sensing movement, the shop window displayed pre-recorded ads. I watched as I stretched my hamstring, then my arms.

The sequence ended with a still image of a woman with her hair pulled back in a tight bun, bright red lips, and in a dark business suit. She looked elegant, sipping from a steaming espresso cup.

7 comments:

  1. I liked the change in tense better. It felt more real than the first one. But then I'm a fan of first person since it tends to get the reader into the main character's head right away. Have you tried it in first person, present?

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  2. This was a tough one, but I prefer the original, third-person. You might want to try this exercise on your own and select a different sample that already contains a bit more emotion / reaction from your MC. This sample was a lot of description, so I didn't really see an immediate need for 1st-person. If you choose 1st person, I think we'd need to see her reacting to this environment more. Good luck!

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  3. I think I like first-person better, here. The third-person sample was very distancing for me.

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  4. I liked the change better. I think it was more immediate, which I think drew me into the story better. The original was good, but I didn't feel drawn in the way i did with the change.

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  5. I love a scheduled rain day--it would simplify so much. Because the narrative voice is so strong, third person reads more naturally for me. I liked these changes in version two: "gravel crunching" prevents a run on; "The stupid things were" maintains past tense. Good luck with your final version!

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  6. Third person works best for me because I knew who the MC was right away, and, as Lisa B. indicated, the excerpt was mostly description (didn't know why she was running around since it wasn't raining yet, or how she felt about what she was doing to get home). In my opinion, this MC's actions and reactions didn't really demand first person. My connection to the MC didn't change with the switch.

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  7. Third person works best for me because I knew who the MC was right away, and, as Lisa B. indicated, the excerpt was mostly description (didn't know why she was running around since it wasn't raining yet, or how she felt about what she was doing to get home). In my opinion, this MC's actions and reactions didn't really demand first person. My connection to the MC didn't change with the switch.

    ReplyDelete