Thursday, November 19, 2015

OTB Logline Critique #13

TITLE: Fortress of Bones
GENRE: Adult - Fantasy

In a world where animals can talk and curses are real, a cursebreaker and her companion cat search for a cure to a girl’s madness to prevent a necromancer’s vengeance from destroying their homeland.



  1. My main question here is Why? Why would curing this girl's madness prevent the destruction of their homeland? Does she know something that can stop him? I'd suggest you start with whatever that thing is so we are incited into the goal. I'd also suggest you name your main characters.

    Good luck!

  2. This sets up the world and situation clearly, but it doesn't provide me with much reason to care because it is very high level and vague. Perhaps you could provide some more specific details that would draw me in more? For example, why is *this* cursebreaker involved? What makes this crucial to her?

  3. I'd suggest going with two sentences - it felt a bit like a run-on. I also don't get the connection between the girl's madness and the necromancer's vengeance. It isn't clear if he was the cause of her plight, and how curing it will make a difference. Clarify that, and I think you've got something catchy.

  4. I want to know why the cursebreaker cares about curing the girl's madness. Does she know the girl? Was she hired by the girl's family? Will she personally be impacted by the necromancer's vengeance? It might help to name these characters and explain how they are related to each other.

  5. Though most of the basic elements are here, this is very sparse and pretty much on the level of a TV guide description. For the purposes of any contest in which you're allowed more words for a logline, it needs to be a lot more personal and specific.

    Tell us the character's name and relate exactly what happened to pull them into this quest (i.e. the inciting incident), and make sure to also include specifics about the goal and how they can achieve it.

  6. This sounds interesting, but I do not see all these cool elements are linked. It seems like you put together parts of the story without explaining how they are related. Think character's arc and focus on it. Example X sets to find a cure to a spell to save humanity and a poor orphan girl who saved his life.

  7. I love stories with animals as characters. I was intrigued by "In a world where animals can talk," but I don't see the significance of the "companion cat" reference, other than the fact that the cat is an animal. What makes this cat a viable character? What qualifies the cat to help your MC besides the fact that the cat can talk?

    I just feel like it started out with a bang and I then was left wanting. :(

    I really think you could make this a great logline if you expand on this. Good luck with your story!