Thursday, November 19, 2015

OTB Logline Critique #8

TITLE: The Balance of all Things
GENRE: Adult - Urban fantasy

Title: The Balance of all Things
Alyssa's on the run from the Conclave, former mentors in magic. She fled when she realized they were training her to destroy all realms.  She's now either fighting off or hunting down Conclave minions and horde demons whose interest in her keeps growing. Hope lies in unraveling her destiny as a possible savior or destroyer. Finding at least one unlikely ally wouldn't hurt either.


  1. This is more of a plot synopsis than a logline. We need to know what Alyssa's wants and what/who is stopping her from getting it.

    Good luck!

  2. This reveals some interesting world details, but it wastes a lot of space in repeating information that could be better used in setting the stakes and drawing in the reader.

    For example, the first two line both tell us she is on the run. And then we get told she's fighting off the things chasing her, which was implied in being on the run. Consider paring this down and giving the pertinent info only once and in the strongest way possible.

  3. I agree with Holly Bodger. It's very busy - a ton of things are happening but I still don't feel inside the character.

  4. I like your concept and world building. "Unraveling her destiny as a possible savior or destroyer" is too vague of a goal, though. What does she have to actually do to succeed? What will get them to stop hunting her? Is there an item to find, or a person to kill, or a conspiracy to expose?

  5. Holly said exactly what I thought when I read this: it doesn't feel like a logline -- it feels more like an attempt to write the story summary in a query. I'd suggest breaking it down to the basic elements and trying first to just write a single sentence that encapsulates the central goal and conflict in the story. Once you've identified those elements, you can then add a few additional details to show what makes Alyssa and her story unique -- being as specific as possible -- while maintaining the focus on the central through-line of the story.

  6. This is interesting, but it sounds like a sequel. I am missing so many elements here. What realms are we talking about? What is the setting? What is so special about her that everybody is looking for her? Is she the chosen one? Does she have super powers? Can't they train anyone else instead? Who is the unlikely ally? I'm overwhelmed by the information, but I'm still intrigued.