TITLE: CODA
GENRE: YA - Contemporary
My sister used to read the ending of a book before she even looked at the first page. She hated guessing, the not knowing of how something would finish. To me the beginning was the best part, the unknown potential of something great.
Mia and Ava. Ava and Mia. Our names interchangeable – similar - and as different as any two people could be, connected in a way impossible to define.
It sickened me how everyone claimed to be Ava’s best friend, their tears and fake sadness almost as bad as the police’s incompetence. Two more girls dying without any suspects or arrests.
Serial killer: the word ominous, evoking a strange sense of narcissism, as if any one of us could be a potential victim, as if we were even the sick bastard’s type.
Ava was his type, and since we shared the same womb and placenta, I’m his type too. The only thing saving me is my love of partying and popularity. He preferred the quiet, socially awkward girls who choose math club to cheerleading.
Girls like my sister
My fingers trailed along the rough edges of lockers, shadows threatening to overtake me. Voices thundered and whispered all around, everyone in their insular bubbles. Lives had returned to normal, but I no longer recognized normality.
How could I care about cheerleading and parties - or school at all - after they found her body broken and alone? I pretended to, somehow hoping to solve the problem before it killed me too.
This definitely intrigues me and makes me want to read more. You do a good job of capturing attention--demanding attention, actually. I do wonder about too much intense stuff right away. Maybe hint at things more. Ease into it.
ReplyDeleteThis is a gripping opening, and I would read on, but I stopped at one line: 'Our names interchangeable – similar - and as different as any two people could be, connected in a way impossible to define.'
ReplyDeleteIf you're saying that people called them by each others' names, that makes sense, but their names aren't actually so similar that they're interchangeable. It just seems like not quite the right word and confused me.
I get that they can be opposites and yet connected, the wording just distracted me a bit. Just a rephrase issue.
You're absolutely correct! I changed my first two pages recently and this was a new line. I changed it and I know it works so much better. Thank you for your honest feedback
DeleteYou're so welcome! Best of luck!
DeleteDefinitely tension. I am interested and would like to read on. I too was confused by "names" interchangeable. And, on a mechanical front, there are a few tense consistency issues. (e.g. He prefers)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intense. This hooked me in. The last sentence confused me, though. Solve what problem? Finding the killer? If that's so, then it leads me to wonder if this might be more of a thriller, maybe? Unless I got it totally wrong.
ReplyDeleteGreat job getting us into the MC's mind and getting us to care about her.
You're right - I debated about the genre. It is a thriller with romance thrown in the mix. So, I went with contemporary.
DeleteI am confused by this. It opens with a lighthearted type tone, and then slams us with the words "serial killer." I feel that your opening doesn't tie very well with the serious/thriller subject matter.
ReplyDelete"She hated guessing, the not knowing of how something would finish." This is a wordy sentence and I tripped over it several times. I also had to read it several times to realize that she died. Maybe make that more clear...or maybe I'm just slow haha. Keep it up and good luck!
I like the opening lines but I'm not seeing how they tie into the rest of the story. The second paragraph compares their names--I'm assuming as a way to quickly get the MC's name on the page--but it doesn't work for me because they aren't similar.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked yet. I think it's because it's too much backstory and not enough action. Maybe weave in some of this information during the narrative instead of dropping it all at the beginning.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
It hooked me. It was a little too much telling, IMO, but the voice pulled me in, and I wanted to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI, like others, wasn't clear how their names where similar. I think that point could be made more clear.
I can see how this could be a different type of twist of the serial killer trope with the MC being a potential victim...reminds me of the movie The Vanishing.
I love the premise and emotional potential here--survivor's guilt of a twin whose sister was murdered by a serial killer. However, I'm not hooked until about halfway through when we find out about the serial killer. Also, the details about the two sisters seem kind of disjointed and the main sense I get is that you're trying to tell us (key word: tell) too many things about the sisters at once. I think some tightening and getting to the emotionally gripping second half of this sooner would make for an even stronger opening.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the names being interchangeable threw me off. I also agree you start with backstory, which could be weaved in later. However, I like your premise and I would keep reading to find more action and where would be a good beginning. Possibly, start your beginning w/ the "My fingers" paragraph and continue w/ the next "How could I care paragraph". I like when a beginning is intense and has mystery for me to keep reading. These two paragraphs are where I hear your MC's voice the loudest. Hopefully, this helps.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this suggestion. I did go back and change the order a bit, and moved this paragraph closer to the beginning. I wish we could repost after all these helpful suggestions and get even more feedback.
Delete*Very* intriguing! After reading all the comments and your responses, I too wish that I could see your revised opening now that it seems you've changed things around.
ReplyDeleteTo add in my two cents: I think your first two paragraphs are your weakest. Your second for reasons others have expressed (which you may have fixed already based on your comments) and your first because it doesn't really connect to the rest of the scene. I actually like the content of your first paragraph--I just don't think it belongs at the front. It may belong in another scene entirely.
Beyond that, this is definitely working for me. Openings full of introspection are hard to pull off, but I think you've done it. Your voice is strong, and I immediately feel for Mia. I would happily read on if this were in my inbox.
Thanks for submitting!
I actually really liked your first paragraph, but after reading other comments I realize why you may want to start in a different spot. I could identify with it and think it is strong in showing the difference between your MC and her sister. I hope you keep it and put it in somewhere else that works better. This seems like an interesting story!
ReplyDelete