TITLE: Bite the Bullet
GENRE: Adult - Cozy
When failed brakes cause the death of Miramba’s popular Mayor, fingers point to feisty local mechanic, Erin Dwyer. Erin knows the car was in tiptop shape when it left her workshop so she sets out to find the real culprit and save her reputation.
“LYNNE’S on a mission today.”
Erin Cooper peered out through the arched glass window of the Royal Hotel tracking the town’s busybody as she scurried from one shop to the next, her tell-tale clipboard in hand. “What’s this, her third petition in as many months?”
Frances and Sara tore their attention from breakfast to follow their best friend’s gaze.
After a moment Frances turned back and looked at her watch. “Not even nine. She’ll miss people.” She shrugged, grabbed a packet of sugar and ripped off the end. She stirred the white grains into her steaming latte, sloshing coffee onto the pine tabletop. “Must be urgent.”
With a shake of her head Sara reached over, picked up a serviette and dabbed at the spill. “I wonder what it’s for this time?”
Erin squinted, as if that would help her see the pages on Lynne’s clipboard. “Shops to remove advertising from their windows? Residents to scrub their letter boxes?” She sat up straighter. “Oh, I know. A petition to paint all the light poles of Miramba a matching shade of green?”
Sara’s dimples creased into a grin. “That last one’s a winner.”
Still curious, Erin looked outside again in time to catch Lynne shoving her clipboard under the nose of the local florist. The woman backed away and folded her arms across her heavily pregnant stomach. Undeterred, Lynne advanced.
Not a fan of starting with dialogue, and your line 2 seems a better fit (for me) to start. I get the "feel" of the cozy and what is to come. Confusion re: two Erin names. Is this Erin not the main character??
ReplyDelete*banging head on desk* Thanks for noticing the difference in names, Gee Wiz. They are one and the same Erin. I changed the name aeons ago but obviously forgot to fix the logline.
DeleteWill take your comment about opening with dialogue on board. Thank you!
I like the start. Normally I agree on starting a whole book with dialogue can be a turn off and there may be a better way to start, but it's okay here. I liked the atmosphere and the writing. I think there are details- like the extremely detailed sugar in the coffee that can be cute to speed up the pace and focus on what's important but overall I'm hooked!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Meredith. Coincidentally, I received exactly the same feedback about too many details from a contest judge last week. Will have to fix =)
DeleteI don't mind starting with dialogue, but I couldn't tell who was saying this until I put the pieces together. Don't start a new paragraph to continue with Erin. Consider using "capture" or "track" in log line instead of "find" to make the concept more mysterious. Do you need Erin's 2 friends in the beginning? You have 5 different women in this section, and I had trouble tracking them. I love Lynne, a personality type that can be found in every community. Maybe more physical details. On the whole, well done and makes me curious about what comes next.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback, Bonnie. It's interesting what you say about the new paragraph for Erin. I actually had it as one paragraph but received feedback advising it be changed as above. Will investigate further.
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