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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Drop the Needle #4

TITLE: The Shoemaker's Daughter
GENRE: YA Retelling

 

Retelling of the twelve dancing princesses. The oldest princess has come to give the soldier a goblet of wine.

 

 

She pulled her fingers back to be certain his did not touch hers.

“You say you’re a Samson,” she challenged.

“You are the Delilah aren’t you?”

The abrasion of his words made her flinch.  He saw her as she had been in the library.  Yet in that moment the firmness returned.  Her eyes fixed upon the goblet.

Hesitation would cause suspicion.  Without thought, he took a gulp.   Immediately he was gagging in realization that he was killing himself.  He spit, wiping his sleeve across his mouth.  With horror, he looked at the princess.  He had spewed all over her.  Liquid dribbled down her face like tears.  He knew she was not crying although her chin trembled.  Ignoring his impulse, he stiffly offered a handkerchief.  She jerked away from him.

He couldn’t restrain himself, despite her fury.  He was beside her, grasping her shoulder and wiping her face as one would a messy toddler, gently pushing her hair back as he wiped it dry.  She didn’t struggle but stood rigid.  He traced the contours of her face with the handkerchief.  He had been intent on his task but now done, he looked at her.  He sensed her breath, the rise and fall of her shoulders, felt her warmth.  He released her.  She fell away from him, backing into the princesses who had gathered, drawn to the commotion.

Now he felt fresh humiliation.  He’d made a spectacle in front of so many.  This was not the place for emotion.  That was dangerous.

10 comments:

  1. The abrasion of his words made her flinch.

    --Is it abrasion? Should it be abrasiveness?

    He saw her as she had been in the library.

    --I'm not clear on what this means. He saw her WHEN she was in the library earlier? He caught her doing something before? /He is seeing her now the same way she appeared when she was in the library earlier? She's wearing a disguise? *scratches head*

    Yet in that moment the firmness returned.

    --Do you mean her resolve returned? I'm not sure which firmness returned.

    Her eyes fixed upon the goblet.

    Hesitation would cause suspicion. Without thought, he took a gulp.

    Immediately he was gagging in realization that he was killing himself. He spit, wiping his sleeve across his mouth. With horror, he looked at the princess. He had spewed all over her.

    --Watch your tense. He was gagging. He was killing himself. He spit. He had spewed?

    Liquid dribbled down her face like tears. He knew she was not crying although her chin trembled.

    --If she's not crying, what liquid is this?

    Ignoring his impulse, he stiffly offered a handkerchief. She jerked away from him.

    --What impulse is he ignoring? Isn't he dying right now?

    He couldn’t restrain himself, despite her fury. He was beside her, grasping her shoulder and wiping her face as one would a messy toddler, gently pushing her hair back as he wiped it dry. She didn’t struggle but stood rigid.

    --I find this interesting. Here we have two people suspicious of each other. I kind of like that he's like--the heck with it--wiping her face like she's a little kid. All that pent up frustration pouring out.

    He traced the contours of her face with the handkerchief. He had been intent on his task but now done, he looked at her. He sensed her breath, the rise and fall of her shoulders, felt her warmth. He released her. She fell away from him, backing into the princesses who had gathered, drawn to the commotion.

    Now he felt fresh humiliation. He’d made a spectacle in front of so many. This was not the place for emotion. That was dangerous.

    --I think some of the writing could be polished here because I'm having trouble understanding what is going on. Is this a ceremony? Was he actually poisoned? Are they actors? I suspect much of this is simply because we had so few words to play with.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for all the time you spent evaluating this! You have some great suggestions that I think will be helpful.

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  2. I feel the tension between the characters, but your use of "he" and "she" too frequently pulls me out of the scene. Consider restructuring your sentences and it will tighten your writing.

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  3. I agree with the above comments...I reread this piece several times in attempts to understand clearly what was going on. 'Firmness' - honestly, I thought he was getting a...well, you know. (Down there.) Indeed, be precise with your words and the meanings they have! I did like the imagery/action of him wiping her face - it was weird, but it made me feel uncomfortable and awkward - how I would have felt if I was there watching. Alas, overall, I agree that the writing can you some tweaking to better communicate what it happening.

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    Replies
    1. You've made some good points which I appreciate being made aware of that I think you are right. I need to make more clear.

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  4. I agree with the above comments. I thought we were in her pov in parg one. In parg 4, it could have been her pov or his. From parg 5 on, it is clearly his.

    And I couldn't figure out what was going on. It seemed she gave him a poisoned drink. He knew he should be suspicious of it but he drank it anyway, then realized he'd been poisoned. He spits it out all over her, and then cleans her - his poisoner- up.

    Perhaps give this a rewrite. Focus on making it say what you mean. Look at word choices and sentence structure. And consider pov and tenses. Those caused a lot of the confusion, I think.


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  5. I am engaged by the complexity of Samson's perspective.

    A few technical thoughts:
    - Consider making your sentences more active to bring the reader more vividly into Samson's POV.
    - Beware filter phrases. He sensed, he felt, he knew. Filter phrases like these distance the reader from what the character is actually experiencing.

    Her breath against his raised hand as he's cleaning her face, the rise and fall of her shoulders, her warmth - these are good sensory inputs for this moment of intimacy. Perhaps add what his response is to sensing them. Is he attracted? Does he desire to protect her now, from the harm that could come? When she falls away from him, does he want to draw her near again?

    I'm guessing this scene makes more sense in the context of the whole story, especially the poisoned wine. As it stands, I'm not hooked with just this scene but I did like Samson.

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    Replies
    1. Hi, thanks for the suggestions. They are helpful.

      Delete
  6. I'm not really clear on what's happening here? You start in the princess's point of view, but then shift to the soldier's without a lot of warning, and the sentences are so choppy that it's hard to follow the action. Also, the bit of sexual tension there is here seems to be very one-sided. Was there an intimate moment earlier in the library? Because in this scene I'm not reading her as attracted to him at all.

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