Monday, August 20, 2018

Talkin' Heads #14

TITLE: Elvish Has Left the Building
GENRE: Adult Hard-boiled supernatural mystery

(no lead-in provided)

I stood when she walked into my office. Regardless of how I felt about Eleanor Steele, she was a lady.  I’m too much the Southern gentleman to disregard my upbringing.
   “What can I do for you, Mrs. Steele?” I managed to ask without snarling at her.
   “I’d like to hire you, Mr. Drago. Again.”
   We sat. “You have a tribe of government spooks, and I do mean spooks, already on the payroll. What do you need with me?”
   “We often use outside contractors. It helps us keep our hands clean.”
   “Aside from me and a few vampires, nobody has a clue the Supernatural Investigations Bureau even exists, much less has hands to worry about keeping clean. Not even whichever department it is that your funding is hidden in. Who is it this year? Agriculture?”
   “Housing and Urban Development,” she answered. “Would you be willing to come out to the house and discuss this opportunity with the Colonel?”
   I snortled. “At least this time you did ask beforehand.”
   “That was very considerate of us, I’m sure you’ll admit.”
   “If forced to, yes.” I checked my chin for stubble and decided I could go one more day before changing out my razor blades. “My rates have increased.”
   “That shouldn’t pose any impediments. Chances are good that we’ll be sub-contracting you out to a third party at some point.” She twitched a brief smile at me. “That will save the tax-payers some money.”
   “As if that was ever a consideration,” I said. “For you, anyhow. Don’t tell me you’ve misplaced that mummy I helped you reanimate last fall.”
   “As far as I know, Kha-Set-Mespha is safely hidden away, exactly where we put him.”


  1. Love the dialogue from Mrs. Steele...her stilted formality works. The line where Drago starts "Aside from me..." is a tongue twister and difficult to understand. Would you consider shortening, slangish? I'd also chuck the "answered" tag in the next line and add a coy action beat to convey her emotion. Good luck!

  2. This does move the story forward. The dialogue is consistent with the hard-boiled genre. The line that begins with "Not even whichever" sounds stilted. When Eleanor Steele says, "As far as I know," that has good ambiguity.

  3. What I like about this is that I sense a subtext in Mr. Drago (who I assume is a detective of sorts.) There are a couple of awkward sentences.
    "Not even whichever department it is that your funding is hidden in.", sounds very strange.
    'I checked my chin for stubble...' makes it seem like he decided to pull out a mirror all of a sudden. I think if he just rubbed his chin or something, the reader will understand the second part.
    and with “I’d like to hire you, Mr. Drago. Again.” I would emphasize Again, either separate it with an em dash, an ellipse, or italics. Otherwise, I think the dialog carried the story along quite nicely.

  4. I think this could use a little more internal thought from Drago. What is he thinking about her questions and answers? He shouldn't be able to have this long a conversation without thinking at all.

    Aside from that, I'd suggest you vary your paragraph beginnings a little. Almost all (10/13) start with dialogue. Try to use more action and thought so it's not just a tennis match of words.

    Good luck!

  5. Please keep sharing more such article. I've really like your blog and inspire me in many ways.

  6. How well are you prepared for a cyber incident or breach? Is your data safe?.
    Strengthen your cybersecurity stance by contacting CLASSIC CYBER NOTCH @ GMAIL DOT COM for a Perfect, Unique, Classic and Professional Job in securing your Network against Breaches of All Sort and also we do virtually All kind of Cyber Jobs, be it Cyber Security or Hijacking without trace and with utmost Professionalism and Confidentiality.

    We offer services such as :
    Private investigators service
    Phone /Computer hack
    Clearing criminal record
    Binary options recovery
    Bit coin mining
    Increase Credit score
    Issue Blank ATM
    Spyware installation
    Social media platform hack
    E-mail hack
    and many more....
    Our Success Rate is Top Notch

    Contact us today @
    Classic cyber notch @ gmail dot com
    to get the Best professional hands involved in putting a smile on your face.

    Collins .A

    Get $5,500 USD every day, for six months!

    See how it works
    Do you know you can hack into any ATM machine with a hacked ATM card??
    Make up you mind before applying, straight deal...

    Order for a blank ATM card now and get millions within a week!: contact us
    via email address::{}

    We have specially programmed ATM cards that can be use to hack ATM
    machines, the ATM cards can be used to withdraw at the ATM or swipe, at
    stores and POS. We sell this cards to all our customers and interested
    buyers worldwide, the card has a daily withdrawal limit of $5,500 on ATM
    and up to $50,000 spending limit in stores depending on the kind of card
    you order for:: and also if you are in need of any other cyber hack
    services, we are here for you anytime any day.

    Here is our price lists for the ATM CARDS:

    Cards that withdraw $5,500 per day costs $200 USD
    Cards that withdraw $10,000 per day costs $850 USD
    Cards that withdraw $35,000 per day costs $2,200 USD
    Cards that withdraw $50,000 per day costs $5,500 USD
    Cards that withdraw $100,000 per day costs $8,500 USD

    make up your mind before applying, straight deal!!!

    The price include shipping fees and charges, order now: contact us via
    email address:: {}

    Visit our Website for more Info:

  8. Bolavita Agen Judi ayam bangkok diadu yang sudah berdiri lama di indonesia !

  9. Many students begin to experience real horror when they hear words like math, algebra, geometry, sine, tangent, and so on. But they can ask for help this service on

  10. Reddit has been for a long time a place where students can ask any question and get help. Check out this list of the best essay writing service reddit.

  11. This is the most reliable and professional essay writing service on reddit. Find excellent writers and freelancers on the best essay writing service reddit to assist you with essays, research papers, theses, dissertations, assignments, reports, book reviews, speeches, presentations, projects, and case studies.

  12. It's very difficult to stumble upon the right essay service for your college needs. That's why the best essay writing service reddit was created for troubled college students.

  13. You need to realize the significance of Research Paper Writing Help UK service given by expert writers, and here we are revealing some key points which lead you to get A Plus grades.

  14. "Elvis has left the structure" used to be declared toward the finish of Elvis Presley's shows to urge his insane fans to acknowledge that there would be no further reprises and to return home. It is currently Assignment Writing utilized all the more generally to demonstrate that somebody has made an exit or that something is finished.

  15. There is a professional custom writing company providing students of all academic levels with the highest quality custom term papers. They are trained to write research paper on all topics and for all academic level.

  16. Hello, I would like to thank you for sharing this useful material. The information you have mentioned here will be useful. I would like to share with you all one useful source which might be useful for you as well.

  17. This piece of writing focuses on a detailed summary and analysis of a specific literary work. One of the fundamentals of writing a successful book report is to read the assigned book carefully and attentively and make sure you understand it

  18. Practical skills in some particular field is a bit different than writing a structured standardized paper what makes request
    thesis writing services near me

  19. Such an interesting excerpt from the book you wrote here. I would like to introduce you an amazing source that provides students with a custom capstone projects writing There are many topics to choose or to order a paper from a scratch at an affordable price.

  20. I would like to advise you to slightly change the beginning of the paragraph. Almost everyone starts with dialogue, which makes it hard to understand. I know what I'm talking about because I'm a writer on papermasters com