Monday, August 20, 2018

Talkin' Heads #2

TITLE: RIGHTFUL (FRIENDS vs THE WORLD)
GENRE: Adult Mystery and Thriller

UN Sec-Gen asked a favor from his assistant to have a try and befriend his teenager son to catch up with his mind after reading a suspicious status hailing ISIS on his social media. The assisstant got carried away by associating the boy to Turkish Cyprus after his imposing will.

          Gothic style mosque! Give me a break! 
         Gritting his teeth, Adrian muttered, “St. Nicholas Cathedral”
          “What! Really! Was that its previous identity?” Niandhra exclaimed as she got the answer to her conundrum.
          “Muslims" Adrian exhibited crazily angry eyes, "are the masters in obliterating existing sacred identities and replacing them with theirs”
          “And what about Selimiye mosque?”
          “You mean St. Sophia cathedral? Just another house of worship they simply hijacked and rose up their signature minarets onto.”
          Silence fell as Niandhra struggled with the truth about Adrian’s claimed feelings. “You know, Muslims are not that bad” she tested him.
          “And how do you know that?”
          She hesitated before saying in a low tone of embarrasement , “My husband is a muslim”
          Adrian turned to examine her intently.
          She felt his cruel judgmental eyes all over her reassessing from a scratch every bond they have shortly developed.
          “Just after taking the city from the Venetian, he gave their commander, Marcantonio Bragadin, the pledge of amnesty. And you know what he did after that?” Adrian's fists balled into angry rocks again “He flayed him alive”
          “Who?!" Niandhra choked, "Mustafa Pasha this ex-Nicholas Cathedral is now named after?!"
          “Who else but Muslims dare doing so with cold blood.. going afterwards and disfiguring the artistic edifice it had been into the mongrel it looks like now”
          “My husband is a Shiite” She snapped without much thinking before incoherently adding, "They call it civilisational pairing sometimes!"
          Adrian giggled.

4 comments:

  1. Always tag your tag at the first possible break. For example, "“What!" Niandhra exclaimed when she got the answer to her conundrum. "Really? Was that its previous identity?” Otherwise, the "exclaimed is coming too late since she's "exclaiming" the first word and not the whole thing.

    When you do tag in the middle, make sure you don't forget your verb. So "Adrian exhibited crazily angry eyes" should say "Adrian said while exhibiting crazily angry eyes..." or something like that (I personally would never recommend using the word "crazily" or any other ly adverb like intently/ incoherently/shortly but that's another issue.)

    You have a line in here that doesn't make sense no matter how many times I read it: "She felt his cruel judgmental eyes all over her reassessing from a scratch every bond they have shortly developed." I think you may need to reword and/or add a comma here.

    Aside from that, I think you need some more internal thoughts from Niandhra. She doesn't have to say everything she thinks. For example, maybe she's offended by the Muslim comment but she thinks about it a bit before telling him. This would be SHOWING that she's testing the waters rather than saying it. Same with the angry eyes. Show us why she thinks he looks angry and crazy, as well as what she feels about this. I don't know what the actual stat is, but a dialogue scene should probably be about 10% dialogue and 90% action and thoughts. Yours is definitely heavy on the straight dialogue.

    Good luck!
    Holly

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your sentences are too crammed: "crazily angry eyes," "claimed feelings," “Who else but Muslims dare doing so with cold blood.. going afterwards and disfiguring the artistic edifice it had been into the mongrel it looks like now.” Try paring things down, and you might be surprised at how effective they become.
    "She felt his cruel judgmental eyes all over her reassessing from a scratch every bond they have shortly developed." might work if it were cut into two sentences.
    "She snapped without much thinking before incoherently adding," could simply become "She snapped."
    The multitude of words takes away from any forward momentum. This could simply be a case of trying too hard. We all have to make sure our words don't slow things down in a confrontation scende.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree there are a lot of words here that say little. Perhaps try to be more precise. Less really is more.

    I didn't get any sense of who your characters are. Adrian seems angry throughout, and then is giggling at the end. I don't get why. It may be the lack of context. But until that point, it seems this is more an adversarial relationship than a friendly one. The giggle made me think it was all a joke.

    I also didn't get the value of the dialogue and the info imparted. Again, it could be because of lack of context, but it didn't feel like anything I was being told was important or mattered. I believe it was because of that ending giggle. I was left wondering what, exactly, was going on here.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This reads like racist nonsense to me and I would urge you to get a sensitivity reader to go over your work before you ever decide to share this.

    ReplyDelete