TITLE: River City Demons
GENRE: Adult Fantasy
Three guys walked into a bakery. One of them wanted a beignet.
The counter-girl froze, her grin going from humor to horror in an instant. She was a student working part-time, and she knew trouble when she saw it. She knew it as schoolyard fights, bullies shaking down nerds, or her dad drinking too much and realizing he was this total douchebag loser, a moment of personal self-awareness that meant someone was going to get hit. It was the same vibe here in her bakery, the three walking in, the other three at the counter eyeing the newcomers.
I feel like the first few sentences head-hop.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the narrative is more telling than showing, creating distance from your reader.
The conflict sounds like it has potential, but I'm not seeing how it relates to the future of your plot. Perhaps too much backstory?
I am interested in seeing where your story goes. Good luck!
I think this works for the most part. Although, I would remove the beignet sentence. It doesn't really add anything and it's not clear if one of the guys actually ORDERED that or was just thinking of ordering that when he and his buddies entered. Nor is it clear if the counter-girl is responding to the fact he ordered that or just simply to the tension between the three guys and the three people behind the counter.
ReplyDeleteAlso not sure how a grin can go from humor to horror. Wouldn't the grin just disappear or be replaced by a more "horror-esque" expression? And if she's in a humorous situation at first, like fun small-talk with the others behind the counter, then maybe show that first before the guys walk in and the grin drops from her face? Just some suggestions but you're definitely hinting at something ominous to come, which is interesting.
AGREE with above..not sure who is the POV character in this snippet. I do like the opening two lines if you can make them work. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteIt reads (at least for me) like part of a synopsis, not much to feel. It it clearly written, but no layering, nothing to be interpreted other than the actual words... feel like I'm rambling here... maybe tell me more wha she felt when she saw the school yard fights about to happen, put me inside her skin when she smelled the alcohol as she walk into her house... I hope my rambling helped. Best of lucks!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence feels like the author telling rather than the character experiencing. It would be stronger if we saw this happen in her head. And we should get her name if this is her POV since she wouldn't think of herself as "counter girl".
ReplyDeleteAlso, the sentence "She knew it" is way too long and comes off as YA, mainly because you call her a student and then mention a schoolyard, bullies and her dad.
Holly
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ReplyDelete