TITLE: The Bea Team
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Seventeen-year-old Bea serves up Southern fried dishes to win a food truck competition. But falling for a competitor was never on the menu. The stress of the romance and competing stir up Bull, her bulimia voice. Now it’ll take the perfect recipe not only to become the winning chef, but also keep her girlfriend, and defeat Bull.
Seventeen-year-old Bea [great, right age YA,assume female] serves up Southern fried dishes to win a food truck competition. [Cool. Reminds me of Bill Konigsberg's recent Music in What Happens] But falling for a [ add female] competitor was never on the menu. The [romance and competition creates] stress that stirs her bulimia issue. Now it’ll take the perfect recipe not only to become the winning chef, but also keep her girlfriend, and overcome bulimia. [I like Bull, but it got too confusing. Also Bull brings up TV series name. So that bothered me. Sorry for the heavy editing..
ReplyDeleteAlso insert her [new] girlfriend... I see spell check is still not part of the formatting. :-)
DeleteGreat pitch. I know what the story is about. At this stage I can only see tiny word tweaks. The stress of the romance and competition reawaken her bulimia voice. I’m divided on using the name Bull in the pitch. It adds voice, but I don’t know that I believe it could be defeated. Managed, maybe. But these are all nit-picky things that don’t make any difference to the essence of the pitch.
ReplyDeleteWow this brought back high school memories (the fun drama ones)! I would like to know the name of competitor/girlfriend, unless the book focuses more on the overcoming/dealing with bulimia. The last sentence could be tightened slightly to show off the powerful trifecta you have.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Meg's rewrite above. The finish will make more sense if we know that the "girlfriend" refers to the food truck competitor she fell for in line one. I'm not sure we can "beat" bulimia, though the word "beat" works with the competition theme, and we say you can "beat" drugs meaning quit them. It may be boring as heck but what if you leave out the name "Bull" entirely? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAre you tired of being human, having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten minutes, Do you want to have power and influence over others, To be charming and desirable, To have wealth, health, without delaying in a good human posture and becoming an immortal? If yes, these your chance. It's a world of vampire where life get easier,We have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich, You will assured long life and prosperity, You shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness, Stronger and also very fast, You will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, This is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture. If you are interested contact us on Vampirelord7878@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteWe offer financial assistance services to all individuals around the world.
ReplyDeletePlease, contact us if you are in need:
E-mail: info@creditfinance-bank.com
Whatsapp number: +33784505888
Website: https://www.creditfinance-bank.com