tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1063603674232583814..comments2024-03-29T03:41:44.480-04:00Comments on Authoress: Drop the Needle: Anger #7Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34532404393146487852014-05-02T21:54:50.848-04:002014-05-02T21:54:50.848-04:00This largely works, though as another commentator ...This largely works, though as another commentator has mentioned before, the genre seems jarring. Granted my view of Epic Fantasy is pretty limited in scope - but the tone doesn't fit the genre at all. <br /><br />Secondly, this needs parring down. You should go through and critically evaluate each and every sentence to figure out what is needed and what isn't. There isn't anything wrong with any of these sentences per say (except for the food descriptions, which I'll get to below), but the pace is too slow, and while there were flashes of anger, it could be more concentrated and effective <br /><br />Lastly, I agree with the commentators about the food descriptions. Realistically, given Jim's anger, would he notice every single item on his brother's plate, and how it is being consumed? <br /><br />Your writing is solid, it just needs editing. Best of luck with this :) lvaenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-66718050926401930372014-05-02T04:27:44.902-04:002014-05-02T04:27:44.902-04:00I thought this was done well and that it works. A...I thought this was done well and that it works. A few nits--<br /><br />Parg 13 - HE needed basketball. He wouldn't think of himself as Jim.<br /><br />Parg 15 - This was the guy who had failed every attempt to make it to the pros, PERIOD Now he wants to pass judgment on ME? If I didn't need his help . . . Make these last two sentences his direct thoughts and put them in italics, then you don't have to worry about the he's and him's.<br /><br />Parg 16 - Cut - But the truth was, Eddie was his only ticket into the tournament. This is made evident in the previous sentence in the last parg.<br /><br />Parg 20 - the gym-rat kind like HIMBarbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-70973684876325807342014-05-01T15:08:44.350-04:002014-05-01T15:08:44.350-04:00Thank you so much for the constructive criticism a...Thank you so much for the constructive criticism and the encouragement. Much appreciated!<br /><br />I realize the genre description above and the scene itself don't seem to go together. I should have put in the set up that this scene takes place before Jim falls into a parallel world. I'm sorry for throwing you all off.Author of #7noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-44452514640354349022014-04-30T17:38:31.082-04:002014-04-30T17:38:31.082-04:00I thought this was great. Eddie's lack of comp...I thought this was great. Eddie's lack of compassion, his focus on the buffet rather than giving his full attention to something so important to Jim, and his glib comments to his 'little brother' all set the groundwork for Jim's anger. I thought the physical details you sprinkled in were effective and not over-the-top.<br /><br />I didn't get how the genre related to the story, but I enjoyed the scene anyway!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06611656982367077903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-35863219670458878882014-04-30T16:52:54.489-04:002014-04-30T16:52:54.489-04:00Not a whole lot of visible anger here, but very re...Not a whole lot of visible anger here, but very realistic dialogue. I assume Jim's trying to maintain control, but a few interior thoughts might up the tension.<br /><br />I get easily sidetracked by visuals. Pastries followed by carrots and dip stopped me. Maybe load up plate with veggies first then add the pastries. Or add the veggies as an afterthought. <br /><br />You do a great job of interspersing the noshing action in with the dialogue.<br /><br />I like the follow-through with the cup, but the strangle-hold would have crumpled it right there. Maybe "Jim emptied his paper cup in one gulp." Then crumple, then toss.<br /><br />Do you need an "are" here? ...but basketball players—the gym-rat kind like he was—ARE stuck with the game they lived for.MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73200309359251330492014-04-30T16:01:34.826-04:002014-04-30T16:01:34.826-04:00Overall I liked the ‘slow burn’ kind of vibe here....Overall I liked the ‘slow burn’ kind of vibe here. Jim’s building anger is reflected nicely in the slow destruction of the paper cup. <br /><br />A little more sense of what Eddie’s deeper motivations are could spark things up a bit. Perhaps a reference to Eddie’s tone of voice or manner in which he looks or doesn’t look at Jim during the conversation. Something remembered from a similar incident when they were kids when Eddie is deliberately trying to put Jim down.Lillynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55009079804785619982014-04-30T13:06:08.058-04:002014-04-30T13:06:08.058-04:00I felt like this needed to be tightened and then a...I felt like this needed to be tightened and then a bit more rage would fit in better. All the asides about the buffet (now I'm hungry) could be cut back and then Jim might be able to show more emotion. Maybe grit his teeth, have some more internal dialog (ex: How could Eddie of all people talk about him not playing? He had been the one to sink ten three-pointers in one game. He'd made twenty completions post-season. Jim had passed him in all the records and now he wanted to pass judgment? -- sorry, I don't know much basketball wording, but maybe you get my picture here??)<br /><br />Anyway, good luck with your project. Larahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10569956870292431661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52730595083545604982014-04-30T12:32:41.203-04:002014-04-30T12:32:41.203-04:00from pilgrimsoul
When I saw Epic Fantasy I was ex...from pilgrimsoul<br /><br />When I saw Epic Fantasy I was expecting a different tone and I guess a different setting. While the confounding of my expectations was intriguing, I had a hard time identifying with the anger experienced. I also felt the lack of context/introduction and was so grateful that Authoress let me add mine! #3 if you are interestedAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com