tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1155711853129977826..comments2024-03-29T05:54:33.136-04:00Comments on Authoress: March Secret Agent #9Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48553333091467599452016-04-02T17:54:00.500-04:002016-04-02T17:54:00.500-04:00I dig it. Well, I'm evil, so of course I do. B...I dig it. Well, I'm evil, so of course I do. But it hits the right points. Definitely not for everyone, but it got my attention (and remember, I'm evil. Cookies for you.) I immediately start thinking of where this will go. I bit the hook. Evilgodhttp://ratherihadatypewriter.tumblr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-77929711216087890352016-04-01T10:15:57.727-04:002016-04-01T10:15:57.727-04:00This is a very stirring opening. Well written, int...This is a very stirring opening. Well written, intriguing, and a great setup for conflict and the action of the story. I think my favorite bit was the "Should have been you." It immediately had me interested--what happened and to whom?--and I like that you left it dangling and unanswered for the time being.<br /><br />I do agree with Melissa that having the girls be completely anonymous took me a little out of the story. I can accept that they know who Amanda is when she doesn't know their names--it certainly seems that Amanda is notorious for one reason or another--but perhaps you can give an indicator that she recognizes them from a class or lunch period.<br /><br />I'm not positive how I feel about the choice to open with a depiction of self harm or [attempted] suicide, but I suspect that has more to do with my personal preferences than any flaw in your writing (I tend to have difficulty with stories that depict suicide or rape in their opening scenes). In either case, I would certainly keep reading if this was a submission in my inbox!<br /><br />Thanks for your entry!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48713271978078828952016-03-31T08:50:12.906-04:002016-03-31T08:50:12.906-04:00I really like the tension you've set. Quick se...I really like the tension you've set. Quick sentences to draw in the reader. I'm not so sure about the dialogue from the other girls. It sounds a bit forced. I know it happens all the time, the mocking comments, but the "And so pale" and "No time to waste on this loser" doesn't sound like a likely comment from such a quick interaction. The rest I think sounds great. You give a strong presence for the MC right away.<br /><br />Best of luck!Vanessa Valdeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13759282550264920578noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-79698155182892333832016-03-30T17:37:22.261-04:002016-03-30T17:37:22.261-04:00Wow, very quick and effective in drawing sympathy ...Wow, very quick and effective in drawing sympathy for Amanda. I would like to know what happened just before this to set her off, even if you did with a "telling" kind of sentence that summarizes the scene prior to this.<br /><br />Also, the dialogue, for me, raised some questions. In your tags, you don't give the two girls names, which would indicate to me that Amanda doesn't know their names, but the things that Jess says to her are too cruel to say to a casual stranger, which again makes me think there are things from before this opening that you might want to reveal to the reader even if you don't "show" them. If Jess is Amanda's nemesis already, have Amanda show/think some kind of negative reaction specific to it being Jess, rather than random strangers who interfere with her need to cut herself. If Jess doesn't already have some history with Amanda, then she and her friend drift into caricatures of the evil, bitchy, mean (and probably popular) girls at school.<br /><br />You have three references to "heart" here (pounding, stopped, racing)-maybe change at least one to another visceral reaction.<br /><br />I am not sure if starting with such a visceral beginning is the best place to start, but it builds sympathy in the reader.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00601415592841037784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10201043056265256912016-03-30T17:36:39.512-04:002016-03-30T17:36:39.512-04:00Wow, very quick and effective in drawing sympathy ...Wow, very quick and effective in drawing sympathy for Amanda. I would like to know what happened just before this to set her off, even if you did with a "telling" kind of sentence that summarizes the scene prior to this.<br /><br />Also, the dialogue, for me, raised some questions. In your tags, you don't give the two girls names, which would indicate to me that Amanda doesn't know their names, but the things that Jess says to her are too cruel to say to a casual stranger, which again makes me think there are things from before this opening that you might want to reveal to the reader even if you don't "show" them. If Jess is Amanda's nemesis already, have Amanda show/think some kind of negative reaction specific to it being Jess, rather than random strangers who interfere with her need to cut herself. If Jess doesn't already have some history with Amanda, then she and her friend drift into caricatures of the evil, bitchy, mean (and probably popular) girls at school.<br /><br />You have three references to "heart" here (pounding, stopped, racing)-maybe change at least one to another visceral reaction.<br /><br />I am not sure if starting with such a visceral beginning is the best place to start, but it builds sympathy in the reader.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00601415592841037784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68244799048871796862016-03-30T15:29:30.495-04:002016-03-30T15:29:30.495-04:00Compelling opening, drew me right in. I like this ...Compelling opening, drew me right in. I like this girl already. I know "things" about her, but you didn't "tell". The dialoged was on point. <br /><br />I love one word sentences that build tension:<br /><br />She needed to do this. Quickly.JWnoreply@blogger.com