tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1235355026820954601..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: October Secret Agent #27Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27996766188666062682013-10-11T23:26:10.213-04:002013-10-11T23:26:10.213-04:00At this point, it seems that nothing you've me...At this point, it seems that nothing you've mentioned has any connection to the Flying Saucer Drive In. WHy not just start there?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-68098191234375731862013-10-11T13:56:16.949-04:002013-10-11T13:56:16.949-04:00Working at a Saucer Drive-In sounds fun and quirky...Working at a Saucer Drive-In sounds fun and quirky. It sounds like a place where some antics might take place. Since it’s the title, we assume this location and job plays a major part in the story. But what does it mean to the main character? Is she saddened by this memory or happy about it? Also, what kind of animal is Tabitha? (We hope she is an animal if she is curled up by the linen closet…?)Secret Agentsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-4132568732497196292013-10-11T10:49:23.162-04:002013-10-11T10:49:23.162-04:00The opening sounds like a prologue to the real sto...The opening sounds like a prologue to the real story which is set in Robi's. If that's correct, just start at Robi's.MargotGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33366254252028719622013-10-11T06:27:21.804-04:002013-10-11T06:27:21.804-04:00You start a lot of sentences with 'I' and ...You start a lot of sentences with 'I' and then you throw in a few more in the middle of sentences for good measure. This gets very monotonous and makes the story seem very distant. Try reworking some of the sentences to get a better flow.<br /><br />Double turquoise in the fourth paragraph was repetitive.<br /><br />The first line doesn't work for me - tall trees and workaholic parents have nothing to do with the story you start to tell. <br /><br />There is nothing in this first 250 words to encourage me to turn the page. Saffron wakes up and goes for a swim - no sense of where we're going or what the story might be about. I think you might be starting in the wrong place.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3247210882401499182013-10-10T14:04:15.796-04:002013-10-10T14:04:15.796-04:00The voice here is very distanced and robotic. If y...The voice here is very distanced and robotic. If your character is actually a robot, I guess that's good. If not, I think you need to inject some more human.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-3398817155888236832013-10-10T13:01:36.585-04:002013-10-10T13:01:36.585-04:00I like the setting and there are parts that are in...I like the setting and there are parts that are interesting but also with the potential to be confusing: Tabitha's identity and the Saturday school concept.<br />One suggestion would be to strive for less generic descriptors such as turquoise water.<br />Overall, I wanted to read more!amongsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09995022118582611938noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39729465922590598742013-10-09T21:21:53.659-04:002013-10-09T21:21:53.659-04:00I agree with Krystal. There's a lot of descrip...I agree with Krystal. There's a lot of descriptions, with scenes that contain no tension and no action. <br /><br />This is a story with great potential.<br /><br />Best wishes!Henyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14218132405687448085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61507893578041714202013-10-09T15:30:01.812-04:002013-10-09T15:30:01.812-04:00Tabitha is a dog, I take it. Seems like the better...Tabitha is a dog, I take it. Seems like the better way to start this story is with the last line. School on Saturday may be important to the plot but I don't see how that and playing in the pool have to do with working in a drive-in. There just seems to be a lot of exposition and description and nothing going on. It's also a tad repetitive. You write "I lie on my back" twice with only one sentence in between. It's also not necessary to keep telling us that the water is turquoise. <br /><br />Also the last line feels out place in a paragraph about trees. <br /><br />Good luck with this! :)krystal janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02115542477066959046noreply@blogger.com