tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1246782151264693820..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: On The Block #11 - UNEVEN 10:40 AM ESTAuthoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58681280150822559542016-11-15T00:25:14.800-05:002016-11-15T00:25:14.800-05:00So interested in this one. The logline is great, a...So interested in this one. The logline is great, and I'm curious what kind of struggles they've both had that are going to draw them together.<br /><br />The opening paragraph feels a bit like it's trying too hard, though. A lot of YA opens with a first-day scenario. Instead of wading through all the anxiety/diagnosis talk, focus more on the interaction between her and her mom. That's when the voice really clicked for me, and when I started to get into this and feel that this story is different. Very nice!Amanda Sunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12546843210439988407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-47724110181014229812016-11-14T11:54:44.416-05:002016-11-14T11:54:44.416-05:00Nice voice. Others have offered succinct advice re...Nice voice. Others have offered succinct advice regarding eliminating backstory elements and enhancing the tension in the opening. I sense the emotional issues associated with being a pampered, elite athlete who's been tutored in private setting (and the dark abuse we'll learn ore about which triggered the transition) and now, faced public school. Good luck.GeeWizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06941244713771870949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23632719608101124732016-11-13T13:20:29.089-05:002016-11-13T13:20:29.089-05:00Great premise, and the fact that the girl is a hig...Great premise, and the fact that the girl is a high-level athlete is a good hook. The logline, though, felt like it was missing conflict.<br /><br />The excerpt has good voice, which is so hard to nail. I agree with others that the "career" paragraph doesn't belong on the first page - too much backstory. Keep us in the car with her and her mother. Let us feel her emotion and the tension in the car. Keep us in the scene and show us how she's dealing with the situation at present. The backstory can come later.Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00953304463413984709noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76648655273767958072016-11-13T07:27:49.136-05:002016-11-13T07:27:49.136-05:00There's too much back story here, too carefull...There's too much back story here, too carefully presented. Much of this you can back-tell later: all the facts you need to get across is that she's a gymnast starting high school for the first time in the middle of her junior year - and that she's scared as heck and her mother is ? disappointed/unknown/whatever.<br /><br />Watch your voice. This doesn't always doesn't sound like a teenager, let alone a nervous one: "We’ve got eighteen years, maybe a few more, for those that are lucky enough to stave off career-ending injuries. Not to mention the cellulite and saddlebags, which spell impending doom in equal measure."<br /><br />I'm guessing this is a fascinating book, and that this first page doesn't do it justice. I'd keep reading just to see if the voice gets stronger and what happens after this set-up.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42167568173311973882016-11-12T19:44:02.611-05:002016-11-12T19:44:02.611-05:00Great introduction to the MC and what's going ...Great introduction to the MC and what's going on with her right now. Showing us what she's feeling through the sweaty palms and how she has to dry them is really good. I'd even be drawn in by a little more insight to her physical reactions. Is her stomach upset, heart rate unsteady, nerves jangling?<br /><br />The MC's voice comes across as very mature, actually. Her cadence and word choices come across older in my head than a Junior in high school. Then again, as an elite gymnast she would be more disciplined and mature but would she have the speech pattern and vocabulary? Some teens do speak like this (I'll date myself and refer to Dawson's Creek and Gilmore Girls) so it's not a bad thing. <br /><br />I liked the paragraph starting with Career. It may go longer than it needs to for the first page though.<br /><br />Great insight into her mother and what the MC perceives her mother is thinking/feeling.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08681072381531383900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-7733357899978500172016-11-12T11:32:33.972-05:002016-11-12T11:32:33.972-05:00Nice excerpt. The paragraph that started with '...Nice excerpt. The paragraph that started with 'Career' could be trimmed. It wasn't as engaging as the rest of the piece.H. R. Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06715450637785127208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-76836043957197457482016-11-11T20:05:52.094-05:002016-11-11T20:05:52.094-05:00I thouģht the excerpt worked pretty well. I agree ...I thouģht the excerpt worked pretty well. I agree about cutting the parg starting with 'career.' It stops the story so you can explain to the reader. <br /><br />I thought the logline could use more. It seems if she was molested by a coach, she'd have other issues to deal with other than learning to love gymnastics again, and perhaps that should be mentioned in the logline, as well as the boy's issues. The issues, I think, are what readers will be more interested in. If it reads like the story is about learning to love gymnastics, you may lose readers who aren't particularly interested in gymnastics.Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13021789806874139652016-11-11T16:56:52.453-05:002016-11-11T16:56:52.453-05:00I love your pitch. Your voice comes through clearl...I love your pitch. Your voice comes through clearly, but "a boy who has overcome struggles of his own." feels flat. I would suggest a more intriguing hook here. <br /><br />I really enjoyed your opening paras. Phrases such as "anxiety is the clear ringleader" and "things start to veer off-script." made me smile and clicked nicely.<br /><br />I would cut the paragraph starting with "Career". It slows down the pace here with too much explanation and feels like a great chuck of "telling". Have bits and pieces of it strewn in later.<br /><br />I would certainly read on, though. The world of gymnastics has always hooked me. <br />LMnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-56039296468216922832016-11-11T16:25:46.516-05:002016-11-11T16:25:46.516-05:00Your opening pulled me right in. There were a few ...Your opening pulled me right in. There were a few things I didn't understand, like "cellulite and saddlebags," but that didn't bother me. They just authenticated the voice and made me want to read more of the story.<br /><br />The hook didn't hook me. It felt kind of vague, but hooks are hard.<br /><br />Wishing you luck!Myrna Fosterhttps://myrnafoster.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-37445683009883078122016-11-11T11:10:46.461-05:002016-11-11T11:10:46.461-05:00I like this. It feels like one of those stories yo...I like this. It feels like one of those stories you want to read slowly to thoroughly absorb every page. I sense a lot of drama and intense emotions ahead, and the fact she's a gymnast is a plus, in my opinion. I'm curious why she had to quit and why she wasn't in public school before now, so good job on the intrigue. Wishing you much success with this!Lydia Sharphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15328254761920829040noreply@blogger.com