tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1277322578768319186..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Line Grabber #13Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18299571005686804222014-04-12T12:23:26.016-04:002014-04-12T12:23:26.016-04:00Yes. Love it. Who, or what, did the hearts belong ...Yes. Love it. Who, or what, did the hearts belong to? There is so much packed into such a short sentence. The reader knows there are a lot of them - and what is going to become of them? And who is this person carrying them? Helennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-61988987134330363492014-04-12T10:21:08.003-04:002014-04-12T10:21:08.003-04:00Yes! I'd definitely read on.Yes! I'd definitely read on.EM Castellanhttp://emcastellan.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-17946800359848794692014-04-10T21:43:58.172-04:002014-04-10T21:43:58.172-04:00Yes. But barely, just because the basket of hearts...Yes. But barely, just because the basket of hearts is interesting. The line, I think, could be much tighter and give some sense of the character. This is a little too close to being a 'clinical fact' with no impression of character... so it's a hesitant 'yes' for me. Definite potential...jhnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81674865451605973202014-04-10T18:55:12.931-04:002014-04-10T18:55:12.931-04:00No. For me it reads like "I carry my grocery ...No. For me it reads like "I carry my grocery home." Maybe if hearts were slopping over the edge or beating or something.don't hate menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89760829411092415832014-04-10T18:54:26.478-04:002014-04-10T18:54:26.478-04:00Yes! Wonderful first sentence. Why hearts and what...Yes! Wonderful first sentence. Why hearts and what is she doing with them and what kind of hearts? Love it.Tatum Flynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00074228011847976820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26066151609661459132014-04-10T17:49:09.923-04:002014-04-10T17:49:09.923-04:00Yes.
First, because a basket of hearts is intrigu...Yes.<br /><br />First, because a basket of hearts is intriguing, and second, because it's simple and direct without a lot of adjectives trying to prop it up and make it more than it is, or needs to be. Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-8195643389424407862014-04-10T17:33:51.058-04:002014-04-10T17:33:51.058-04:00No. The misplaced comma is off-putting, and it sh...No. The misplaced comma is off-putting, and it should be 'cobblestone' or 'cobblestoned' road. ('Cobble' is one single stone, or the verb 'to cobble'). And I'm afraid I have to be the dissenting voice here and say that my first thought about the hearts in the basket was that it seemed a bit contrived, as if you were trying too hard to make the reader curious.L.C. McGeheehttp://lcmcgehee.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-22603038752693463412014-04-10T14:37:15.746-04:002014-04-10T14:37:15.746-04:00Yes. It feels figurative to me. I want it to be fi...Yes. It feels figurative to me. I want it to be figurative. If it is, count me in.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18219883647458065443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-21600607883569108622014-04-10T13:22:56.037-04:002014-04-10T13:22:56.037-04:00No. This seems too telling, too factual in a sens...No. This seems too telling, too factual in a sense. Of course I'm curious to know what kind of hearts these are, but as an opening sentence, I need more than this. <br /><br />I think your comma is placed correctly, btw. I get a sense of many people in the scene. If you delete the comma, the road itself would have crowded cobbles (does that make sense? hah). <br /><br />Also, shouldn't it be "cobbled" or "cobblestone"? Suzan Teall Headleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13508182507802493532noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-41517047434686519872014-04-10T09:10:41.891-04:002014-04-10T09:10:41.891-04:00No - Not nearly enough information for me to want ...No - Not nearly enough information for me to want to read on. Are the hearts real, metaphorical?therealtwinmomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-52066714475735990202014-04-10T06:26:11.451-04:002014-04-10T06:26:11.451-04:00Yes. I immediately want to know if they are blood ...Yes. I immediately want to know if they are blood dripping "real" hearts or gems or heart shaped potatoes or …KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86167417160468499752014-04-10T02:54:46.334-04:002014-04-10T02:54:46.334-04:00Yes. It was a "barely yes" for me as I f...Yes. It was a "barely yes" for me as I find present tense 1P hard to get into. Then the hearts drew me in. <br /><br />You don't need a comma after crowded, BTW.BrigidGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18527915251590721012014-04-09T21:39:05.288-04:002014-04-09T21:39:05.288-04:00Yes. Lovely and weird. Raises questions in the re...Yes. Lovely and weird. Raises questions in the reader's mind.Lena Coakleyhttp://www.lenacoakley.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46980547804813188542014-04-09T20:34:08.123-04:002014-04-09T20:34:08.123-04:00Yes! It's very lyrical- and is it real hearts ...Yes! It's very lyrical- and is it real hearts or something just shaped like hearts? I'd read on to find out. Leandra Wallacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00381034024025750992noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19642344295956027032014-04-09T20:02:58.700-04:002014-04-09T20:02:58.700-04:00Yes. One of the best. I want to know more, have qu...Yes. One of the best. I want to know more, have questions, can see the action, hear the voice. Well done.Beckynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-2164809970832031892014-04-09T19:59:57.702-04:002014-04-09T19:59:57.702-04:00Yes. We get a sense of fantasy in the very first s...Yes. We get a sense of fantasy in the very first sentence. We learn something about the story world; they use baskets, carry even heavy ones by hand, and travel on cobbled roads. I don't know what the hearts are, but I want to read more to find out. Especially, with the image promised by the title. MargotGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42739502119266374302014-04-09T19:13:12.322-04:002014-04-09T19:13:12.322-04:00Yes. Are hearts heavy? Is the burden of carrying t...Yes. Are hearts heavy? Is the burden of carrying them what make them so heavy? Are there that many of them that makes the basket heavy?Candice Cnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40794750512844672902014-04-09T19:02:12.380-04:002014-04-09T19:02:12.380-04:00Yes. I love the mundane carrying of a basket fille...Yes. I love the mundane carrying of a basket filled with hearts. Good job!Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50156113517288730392014-04-09T17:24:34.427-04:002014-04-09T17:24:34.427-04:00Yes.
Great voice. It has almost a lyrical quality ...Yes.<br />Great voice. It has almost a lyrical quality to it. I wonder what kind of hearts these are that are created by the heartsmith. I wonder if this might be some sort of steampunk adventure. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01021888227904891627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86398800999483924992014-04-09T17:09:52.301-04:002014-04-09T17:09:52.301-04:00No- to telling-No- to telling-SMKraftynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26626949284945459402014-04-09T16:09:18.492-04:002014-04-09T16:09:18.492-04:00No. If this were worded a bit differently, yes. As...No. If this were worded a bit differently, yes. As is, it distracts rather than draws me in. SanWriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882213832893854098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10874019638801729322014-04-09T15:48:49.956-04:002014-04-09T15:48:49.956-04:00No. But I want to be interested. It sounds like ...No. But I want to be interested. It sounds like there's going to be some cool world-building going on, but the sentence is awkward (and you have to be *so* careful with a first sentence when it's in present tense) and feels tell-y. I don't yet trust the writing and there's nothing yet real about the scene or the character to pull me past that.HepsebaALHHnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-80483567078710521772014-04-09T15:00:45.375-04:002014-04-09T15:00:45.375-04:00Yes, because I want to know if the basket is heavy...Yes, because I want to know if the basket is heavy because there are a lot of hearts in there, or because the few hearts carried are heavy (made of iron or full of sorrow). Really want to see that second sentence...KarinB.https://www.blogger.com/profile/01329305872666186541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57517079572798402522014-04-09T15:00:09.831-04:002014-04-09T15:00:09.831-04:00No - Without any description of the hearts, this l...No - Without any description of the hearts, this left me wondering if it was some kind of metaphor or abstract transcendent thing, which doesn't interest me. I see that the title is "The Heartsmith," so they may be made out of something. If that's the case, give some hint of what they actually are.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06213374083665800577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-23743848152196152292014-04-09T14:33:28.397-04:002014-04-09T14:33:28.397-04:00Yes.
Creepy and intriguing. Yes. <br />Creepy and intriguing. C. R. Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04627499155109943973noreply@blogger.com