tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1302445982067720711..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent Contest #45Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-31729105253097325632018-05-20T12:56:18.328-04:002018-05-20T12:56:18.328-04:00Reading the prose in this scene was a delight. I f...Reading the prose in this scene was a delight. I felt calmed in a gentle, reassuring way.<br /><br />However, I would agree with some of the comments made, mentioning Robert is a distraction from the Conner (the MC) and takes away his agency. Connor is willing to climb the tree and save the bird even without his brother. <br /><br />You mention dance lessons, and I would love a tiny reason why he’s avoiding it. Perhaps entwining his avoidance/feelings for the dance lessons with the trapped bird could bring thematic depth and insight into Connor. The last two lines of the scene reinforce Connor’s avoidance, but they feel out-of-place without some thematic context.<br /><br />I enjoyed the writing, but one of my pet peeves is a rhetorical question on pg 1. I don't really know the MC yet, and my immediate response to a question so soon is: I don't know and I don't care. Consider tweaking a rhetorical question like that into something that conveys more personality or subtle character info. Maybe his foot slips on a branch and he wishes his brother were there to call the ambulance if he should fall. In any case, if the brother is important enough to mention in the opening sentences, give that mention a reason and a context. Otherwise, it feels like a distraction, a meandering thought. <br /><br />The writing is vivid, and I enjoyed this read! <br /><br />Thank you so much for sharing!Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29443709737866082182018-05-17T10:18:26.668-04:002018-05-17T10:18:26.668-04:00Thank you, that is helpful.Thank you, that is helpful.Kirstenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17615706786848610850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-26714804089329671742018-05-17T10:18:06.767-04:002018-05-17T10:18:06.767-04:00Hi, thanks! That's excellent feedback.Hi, thanks! That's excellent feedback.<br />Kirstenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17615706786848610850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-81965811928678247192018-05-16T19:22:06.959-04:002018-05-16T19:22:06.959-04:00I love the descriptive writing, quite vivid and ea...I love the descriptive writing, quite vivid and easy to visualize. There was just one thing, I wasn't sure if Connor's goal was to rescue or kill the bird. I had to read it twice to finally decide that the goal was rescue. Here's a thought: how about showing Connor's intent by changing the 3rd-to-the-last sentence to something like, "She fell, spinning, then caught the wind. Connor smiled as she soared away." (Or something else, but you get the point.)Michael Lunsfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04773316964120451616noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-27956091375888896602018-05-16T12:47:54.233-04:002018-05-16T12:47:54.233-04:00I love how you open with your MC struggling to res...I love how you open with your MC struggling to rescue this bird. We immediately sense his empathetic nature. Can you remove ROBERT from the first 250? I'd like to get to know Connor and stay focused on him. Good luck with this!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17466909354797348403noreply@blogger.com