tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post135917777433622598..comments2024-03-28T02:12:56.114-04:00Comments on Authoress: May Secret Agent #28Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55777607818781466292013-05-20T21:44:50.431-04:002013-05-20T21:44:50.431-04:00The action in this opening is good, but it feels a...The action in this opening is good, but it feels a bit overwritten. Try breaking up your sentences, especially early on. For example, you could turn your first sentence into two:<br /><br /><i>"It was the inkiest, most hair-tingling hour of the night. Jasmin Punk crept towards the house and whipped her dagger from its sheath on her calf."</i><br /><br />These subtle changes will help the text flow more freely, especially when you're first drawing the reader into the story.<br /><br />Otherwise, though, well done. Compelling first look at Jasmin, and we've seen just enough of her surroundings to want to know more.Secret Agentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-89265738197690695312013-05-19T17:47:31.314-04:002013-05-19T17:47:31.314-04:00Love this. I was so there! Just two comments: “Eve...Love this. I was so there! Just two comments: “Even a slim girl like Jasmin Punk” takes us out of the MC’s POV. Maybe “Skinny as she was, she had to…” And ditto to the comments on the last lines. They have to really punch. Other than that, well done!MM Chandlernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87524994098657662132013-05-17T07:27:53.897-04:002013-05-17T07:27:53.897-04:00Yes! Liked this one quite a bit. And your opening ...Yes! Liked this one quite a bit. And your opening description of the night is absolutely lovely. Read on!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00052141159886452951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69041926213475678212013-05-16T21:00:35.927-04:002013-05-16T21:00:35.927-04:00Very well written. I would read on.Very well written. I would read on.Ricknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-86333680762260922522013-05-16T18:46:49.230-04:002013-05-16T18:46:49.230-04:00I agree with all of the above, including Mark re: ...I agree with all of the above, including Mark re: "There was something here she wanted." This is really so well written though, every nuance deftly said, every motion slickly described. Really nice writing, good tension and great feel. Excellent stuff!Pamnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-39336657256224429952013-05-16T07:50:18.016-04:002013-05-16T07:50:18.016-04:00Great descriptions - drew me right in.
Only nit-p...Great descriptions - drew me right in.<br /><br />Only nit-pick - the last three lines. Don't TELL me she wants something or that she has to check on something or someone - SHOW me.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-19013322497798403402013-05-15T23:36:23.426-04:002013-05-15T23:36:23.426-04:00Maybe it's because I always liked sneaking aro...Maybe it's because I always liked sneaking around, but this definitely grabbed me. I like that she's the breaker-inner and she's after something. <br /><br />Nicely done overall. The only hitches I found were the last paragraph:<br />"There was something here she wanted" didn't seem necessary this soon. We know she wants something otherwise she wouldn't be sneaking around. Also, the next sentence didn't quite sit right for me yet. For such suspense I feel those last three sentences have to be perfect. <br />Great job.Mark Holtzenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17951708881333152501noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-6811600182524047352013-05-15T12:17:10.974-04:002013-05-15T12:17:10.974-04:00I agree with what Elizabeth said. You did not lose...I agree with what Elizabeth said. You did not lose me for a second, even with all that description. Tis is definitely something I'd read more of, if for no other reason than the name of your main character:)Kissed by Inkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07381813103676003961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-58997734421343118552013-05-15T09:28:35.293-04:002013-05-15T09:28:35.293-04:00The captivating title drew me in first, and then I...The captivating title drew me in first, and then I was wowed. The style flows smoothly, the descriptions jump off the page, and the main character breathes life in just a few words. Excellent job. If this was on the shelf in a bookstore, I would buy it.J D Wayenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-43537624870227906472013-05-15T08:43:54.559-04:002013-05-15T08:43:54.559-04:00Very professional. For having three solid paragrap...Very professional. For having three solid paragraphs of description you didn't lose me once. The whole thing has just the right amount of creeps and atmosphere and purpose. And what a great protag name! Well done.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.com