tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1383389283827000522..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Sentence #43Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-29317703950732511942013-06-29T13:44:31.691-04:002013-06-29T13:44:31.691-04:00No, probably because it doesn't give any insig...No, probably because it doesn't give any insight into the characters or voice and just feels a little too gimmicky, too 'been there'. Sorry.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11737889720275599055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74519001803766084702013-06-28T14:58:59.199-04:002013-06-28T14:58:59.199-04:00Yes. Did he really die and is a ghost or is it som...Yes. Did he really die and is a ghost or is it something more? Nice. Kathleeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06087009456072956020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-82801200624261081032013-06-28T14:05:06.079-04:002013-06-28T14:05:06.079-04:00Yes, but I think Lanette is correct. The sentence ...Yes, but I think Lanette is correct. The sentence would be stronger if inverted.Pataknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-91926071125422952772013-06-28T10:29:35.838-04:002013-06-28T10:29:35.838-04:00Yes. I go with the majority on "which" v...Yes. I go with the majority on "which" vs "that" and the whole concept of seeing the guy six months after he died is an immediate hook. Really good!Reesehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00330348718504682666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34840860967012789342013-06-28T03:56:41.504-04:002013-06-28T03:56:41.504-04:00Yes - good hook, I really want to know what's ...Yes - good hook, I really want to know what's going on here. It gives me lots of questions straight away, and I'd want to know the answers to those questions.Ailsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824021953575422303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-71338041318658097792013-06-28T03:31:56.150-04:002013-06-28T03:31:56.150-04:00No--I think the idea is intriguing, but it's n...No--I think the idea is intriguing, but it's not executed well. If she sees him for the first time 6 months after he died, how does she know who he is, and how does she know he died 6 months ago?<br /><br />And then you're using the cliché 'The first time . . . ."<br /><br />Why not show her actually seeing the ghost?Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15769803733067838372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-50663250210560865442013-06-28T03:18:30.964-04:002013-06-28T03:18:30.964-04:00Yes! I'm intrigued right away and wonder how ...Yes! I'm intrigued right away and wonder how he is appearing to her.JRPessereaunoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-87120488264180901442013-06-27T22:54:04.736-04:002013-06-27T22:54:04.736-04:00Yes. I am intrigued. Yes. I am intrigued. Tony Acreehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10645967310766453710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-63487864512866974862013-06-27T22:39:03.484-04:002013-06-27T22:39:03.484-04:00Yes. It gets my attention right away. I want to kn...Yes. It gets my attention right away. I want to know more about Robert and why he's alive when he clearly ought to be dead =). Aightballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10706831888613374173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-49901388946835274782013-06-27T21:41:23.466-04:002013-06-27T21:41:23.466-04:00Yes, but with hesitation. It felt retrospective an...Yes, but with hesitation. It felt retrospective and not immediate.KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10727241387892914222013-06-27T21:32:58.350-04:002013-06-27T21:32:58.350-04:00No. I don't like the withholding of the woman&...No. I don't like the withholding of the woman's name, and the twist of seeing a dead person doesn't feel fresh enough.amhogganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08831363893894165135noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-64773846816436242192013-06-27T20:55:08.158-04:002013-06-27T20:55:08.158-04:00Yes. I agree with others about "which," ...Yes. I agree with others about "which," though.The Kranky Crowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03540879407267148397noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-60503935003309957292013-06-27T19:44:37.822-04:002013-06-27T19:44:37.822-04:00No. Awkwardly worded.No. Awkwardly worded.Bill Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12727407427730937429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-10069546787092126452013-06-27T18:11:30.615-04:002013-06-27T18:11:30.615-04:00Yes, but carve it down and give it power.Yes, but carve it down and give it power.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46889409530946433262013-06-27T18:08:36.328-04:002013-06-27T18:08:36.328-04:00No. I feel like I've seen the "dead chara...No. I feel like I've seen the "dead character" thing too many times so it feels like a gimmick. Sorry. Danielle La Pagliahttp://www.daniellelapaglia.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-24980991292804257402013-06-27T18:07:46.122-04:002013-06-27T18:07:46.122-04:00No. It's a bit too generic to have a thriller ...No. It's a bit too generic to have a thriller start off with a death in the first sentence. Joan Hehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14241547000296152599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-30021051359304511232013-06-27T17:37:05.257-04:002013-06-27T17:37:05.257-04:00Yes. interesting opening. Yes. interesting opening. Sujahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16899054126546663789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-57511217797644627782013-06-27T17:14:37.462-04:002013-06-27T17:14:37.462-04:00Yes, BUT I agree about the word which. Or condensi...Yes, BUT I agree about the word which. Or condensing.<br /> <br /> The first time she saw Robert he'd been dead almost six months.erica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-75910677561090498522013-06-27T16:40:56.723-04:002013-06-27T16:40:56.723-04:00Yes
Interesting...Yes<br />Interesting...Kennedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84457841955243204712013-06-27T16:24:18.759-04:002013-06-27T16:24:18.759-04:00No--I think this is almost there, but it feels lik...No--I think this is almost there, but it feels like a run-on with the "which killed him." It does make sense and honestly, it's a fine sentence, but it doesn't grab me as much as it could when clearly it is implying she is seeing Robert after he died. That's big! But this doesn't quite capture it for me. Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-84267064140275846852013-06-27T16:22:35.717-04:002013-06-27T16:22:35.717-04:00Yes, but replace 'which' with 'that...Yes, but replace 'which' with 'that'.Chrohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07768990128419496674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-51956250535553551632013-06-27T16:22:35.130-04:002013-06-27T16:22:35.130-04:00Yes. I definitely want to know how our mc sees thi...Yes. I definitely want to know how our mc sees this guy AFTER his death. But I think "which" should be "that."Parkernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-28007540586773454962013-06-27T15:53:02.432-04:002013-06-27T15:53:02.432-04:00Hmmm - I'm going to go with No - it read a lit...Hmmm - I'm going to go with No - it read a little too wonky for me. I felt like it could be re-worded and then it would turn into a yes just for the premise.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03926485525082822436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-74177131260427837752013-06-27T15:26:57.014-04:002013-06-27T15:26:57.014-04:00Yes. I want to know if the vision was real, or a d...Yes. I want to know if the vision was real, or a dream or??MollyBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-55453456706096623612013-06-27T15:04:16.115-04:002013-06-27T15:04:16.115-04:00No. But if the next sentence made this common (in ...No. But if the next sentence made this common (in books) situation unique enough I might change my mind.SueJayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.com