tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1393369525004241201..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: Logline Critique Round Two #37Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-33158189202563269912014-10-09T14:03:20.289-04:002014-10-09T14:03:20.289-04:00I found this intriguing, and I like how you worked...I found this intriguing, and I like how you worked in the year. I think you could edit down the number of words a lot -- do we need to know that he learns this from "risque detective socialite Katie Jones'? I like knowing he wants to live a normal farm life, but I think that part too could be shorter. Sounds like a fun story!Carolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15131999963255182952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-14923022237204330832014-10-07T19:48:13.223-04:002014-10-07T19:48:13.223-04:00The first line is his NEED and I think this is goo...The first line is his NEED and I think this is good to include, although it works better if the inciting incident directly creates a GOAL that will fulfil this NEED. You have the goal but it takes a while to get there. I think you need to focus on the fact that he must defeat the demons so he can have his normal life and in order to do so, he will have to do whatever it is he needs to do. I would not mention Katie Jones unless she is a major character here.<br /><br />Good luck!<br />HollyHolly Bodgerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08218140291198124199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-65346614025767823792014-10-07T18:20:37.170-04:002014-10-07T18:20:37.170-04:00Yes. I agree with the others about paring this dow...Yes. I agree with the others about paring this down to the key stakes for Harrison and what happens if he fails. It helps me to set a firm wordcount limit -- say 45 words, and keep to that. Think like a Tweet -- you don't have any choice but to fit within that limit. Leo Valiquettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09438869771307846900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-18841850464953184122014-10-07T12:52:32.933-04:002014-10-07T12:52:32.933-04:00This seems to have all the elements you need, but ...This seems to have all the elements you need, but I agree it could be tightened a bit. Most of the information in the first sentence could be saved for the back cover blurb. Atlantean and demons sound fun, though!beckyd821noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46922027828922049412014-10-07T12:45:14.604-04:002014-10-07T12:45:14.604-04:00I think you can get to the heart of this story and...I think you can get to the heart of this story and the stakes quicker if you cut out some of the unnecessary details, or shorten the details. This was a fascinating start though. Sounds more like a book blurb than a logline though.Danahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13512836527188408119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-46856174053869732022014-10-07T12:42:58.799-04:002014-10-07T12:42:58.799-04:00I agree with the previous comments. If you start w...I agree with the previous comments. If you start with the second sentence, everything will be more cohesive. You'll probably also want to split that sentence into two or three so it's not too rambly. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-12075506547260983362014-10-07T11:57:03.186-04:002014-10-07T11:57:03.186-04:00I think there are generally two character goals: w...I think there are generally two character goals: what they want at the opening of the story and what they want after the inciting incident. The more important one in a logline is their post-incident goal, because that's what the story is about. I'm not sure we need to know about Harrison's normal world before he learns about the magic one. I would focus on the second half of the logline. Good luck.Cristin Bruggemanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12165368860520818115noreply@blogger.com