tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post1407814605294328005..comments2024-03-28T08:14:28.881-04:00Comments on Authoress: First Five Sentences #4Authoresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09223228949688667517noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-40392872109404741672015-01-30T13:33:00.563-05:002015-01-30T13:33:00.563-05:00I love this. The pacing and details fit the genre....I love this. The pacing and details fit the genre. I immediately want to read more!Stephscohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06328839483008086049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-42694805463900592032015-01-29T17:29:51.338-05:002015-01-29T17:29:51.338-05:00Wow. I instantly got pictures of an overprotective...Wow. I instantly got pictures of an overprotective mother, a barrier (that maybe MC will cross?), and a child that knows little of the outside world.Madeline Osigianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07219026675227963176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20168872822269164982015-01-29T11:41:18.537-05:002015-01-29T11:41:18.537-05:00A very strong, authentic voice and clear setting -...A very strong, authentic voice and clear setting - nice work describing the fence by showing instead of telling. I wouldn't tinker too much with your sentences and jeopardize your rhythm. I can hear the story and would keep listening. And I don't think using the name Mama sounds too young - I've heard many Southerners (assuming this is set in the South) say Mama well into adulthood. Thought it was MG, too, maybe with some darker moments like Louis Sachar's "Holes." lcmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04296549365685397544noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-48408773754338803862015-01-29T08:07:51.730-05:002015-01-29T08:07:51.730-05:00Obviously not the majority view here and everythin...Obviously not the majority view here and everything's subjective, but...<br />Loved the first line. Found the rest choppy. <br />A little bit like A. Thus B. Ergo C. Therefore Dikmarnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-34380236108224899382015-01-29T05:45:43.491-05:002015-01-29T05:45:43.491-05:00Love that last line - great insight into your MC. ...Love that last line - great insight into your MC. It does read more like MG, but I'm getting the feeling your protagonist might be in a very controlling environment, which would explain the voice.<br /><br />KayChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16267506508468548195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-20740406059457809262015-01-28T22:45:55.783-05:002015-01-28T22:45:55.783-05:00Agreed, it sounds a little young. I think it might...Agreed, it sounds a little young. I think it might be a word choice issue. I would change "Mama". "Mama" is very close to "Mommy". I'd try "Ma" instead. I might just keep it simple in general and say "Ma says the Lord punishes the wicked. He will punish me if I cross the fence." I'm conflicted though, because I think maybe the whole disobeying his parents thing is important down the line. And it does add to the feeling of being trapped.<br />That said, I would keep reading! Because I'd want to know why he isn't allowed to see the world and the world isn't allowed to see him.BEnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-67068440250764502022015-01-28T17:30:15.535-05:002015-01-28T17:30:15.535-05:00The voice did feel a little young for YA, but if t...The voice did feel a little young for YA, but if there's a reason for that--and it looks like the MC may be coming from an abusive, or at least unusual family--great job. I have a picture of a protagonist who is very scared and vulnerable, and that pulls me in. I might also try out Christina's suggested revision, just to see if it works. Both versions are powerful, but if you switch the order, you do get a bigger surprise factor. On the other hand, the original immediately pulls you into the protagonist's plight, so it's all a question of what works best for your story.Camhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08296015826263848696noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-13243478819964367122015-01-28T16:08:26.900-05:002015-01-28T16:08:26.900-05:00I agree, it sounds a little young--leaning a bit t...I agree, it sounds a little young--leaning a bit towards MG--but I otherwise love it! Great job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-69573942007709549962015-01-28T14:06:29.584-05:002015-01-28T14:06:29.584-05:00"flat trees choking off my view of the outsid..."flat trees choking off my view of the outside world." <br /><br />Marvelous imagery! That being said, I disagree with the MG/YA comments. Just from these few words, I get the feeling that the story is going to be too much for MG.Gifford MacShanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15578566471446994845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-73382621077928019442015-01-28T12:17:53.451-05:002015-01-28T12:17:53.451-05:00I like the set-up here, and agree with Merci that ...I like the set-up here, and agree with Merci that the voice sounds a tad young for YA. Have you considered swapping the order of the sentences? I re-read it starting with "The fence circles the entire house…" and then put "Mama says…He will punish me if I cross the fence" at the end. Just a thought (after all, it's YOUR writing!), but the change lulls me into a world of normalcy and then -- crack! -- snaps me into a whole different world, rather than the other way around. Obviously, you'd sacrifice your excellent first line, but it might be worth thinking about.<br /><br />I certainly have a feel for the kid's condition and upbringing. Setting is unclear -- my sense is rural somewhere, but not necessarily the South. And these first few lines very much invoke sympathy on the reader's part.<br /><br />Nice job!<br /><br />Christina<br />LUCKY THIRTEEN entry #15Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3615675676021392217.post-88390946887467665572015-01-28T12:04:39.639-05:002015-01-28T12:04:39.639-05:00I really like this, although the voice sounds more...I really like this, although the voice sounds more MG than YA to me. That said, you've done a great job of making me care for this character in just a few lines. That's pretty awesome. Good luck!Mercinoreply@blogger.com